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Wednesday, October 17, 2007

I had an epiphany or two (Whatever happened to SPECTRE?).

I was watching the movie "Goldfinger" with a friend of mine the other day, and the scene where Goldfinger explains his evil plan to destroy Fort Knox comes on (if you haven't seen this movie before and I'm spoiling the big plot point for you, well, shame on you, get out more). So Goldfinger flips a couple switches in his parlor room (or approximation of such), and suddenly the room basically TRANSFORMS into a war room with a giant model of Fort Knox springing out from under the floor.

Now what I'm thinking is, WHO THE FUCK BUILT ALL THAT?

I mean, this is some seriously detailed model work! And the mechanics to make it rise up like that, with the floor above it sliding over... that takes some serious engineering.

So at first I was thinking, maybe Goldfinger hired a bunch of engineers and model makers to put the thing together... but then you run into the problem of all these contractors running around later knowing of Goldfinger's plans, which would be pretty stupid on his part. Of course, he could've had them all killed... but then, someone would ask questions. Questions like "Where the fuck did all those guys that Goldfinger hired disappear to?"

As I thought more and more, I realized this was a problem in all the Bond movies. After all, SOMEONE had to carve out Blofeld's volcano lair. SOMEONE had to have put together the space station Drax flies off to. And god only knows, Stromberg's underwater fortress took some SERIOUS engineering skills to put together.

So who are these guys?

Answer: HENCHMEN!

All these villains had an army of henchmen behind them. So it only makes sense that these henchmen would be the ones who built all this crap.

This answer also explains why the henchmen have such terrible aim, and never seem to be able to hit Bond, even when he's running across a 70 foot length of space that's less than ten feet in front of them with nothing to hide behind and they've got machine guns and there's twenty of them. It's because they're not soldiers, they're engineers and building contractors.

If you gave them nail guns, they'd probably shoot the shit out of him.

The other thing I realized while watching "Goldfinger" was how much I need an evil henchman, like Oddjob or whoever (just not Jaws, I can't stand that character... Grace Jones in "A View To A Kill" would rule).

Case in point: While driving through traffic on the 405 last week, I started to change lanes, only to see one of those asshole motorcyclists who drive between lanes in heavy traffic speeding up to hit me. I quickly finished my lane change, and what does Dick Suckcocker do? He slows down in front of me, and gestures to me that I should look where I'm going.

Now, considering that I DID look to see where I was going, and Douche Bitchhole came out of nowhere (as he was probably going at least 65 while the rest of us were doing 30 tops), and I also COMPLETELY had the right-of-way, I was a bit angry. But what could I do about it? I was stuck in traffic, and he skirted off between lanes on his way home to lick his uncle's vagina.

However, if I had an evil henchman with me, the situation would have played out completely different. One glance at his license plate, another glance to my henchman, and my anger would disappear, as I'd know that very soon in the near future, Cunt Balltaint was going to have a sudden and unfortunate meeting with a bowler hat. Or a deadly tarantula. Or a shoe with a knife in the tip. Something totally awesome and completely ridiculous at the same time like that.

Goddamn, that's a lovely thought.

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