Saturday, August 11, 2007

Yay! A MySpace survey! Pt. 1

Sorry to those of you waiting for Comic-Con content (all three of you), I haven't gotten the chance to get all my pics in order yet, what with all the working I've been doing, and the drinking I've been doing... oh, and yeah, to you people that got me addicted to Puzzle Quest, which has taken up the rest of my free time... I hate you all, and will soon prove it to you when my Knight has the rest of you sucking from his teet!

In the meantime, a friend of mine posted a new alphabetical MySpace survey this evening, I couldn't help but want to answer it...


Are you available?: Only at Macys and participating Spencer's Gifts.

What is your age?: A lot of people go with "Aquarius," some with "Innocence." Me personally, I'll go with the age of "Wonder." A thousand years ago, this land was green and good... until the Crystal cracked.

What annoys you?: People who use smartassed pop culture commentary as answers for ridiculously simple questions.


Do you know anyone named Billy?: I did, but then he lost my number, after all the times I told him not to. What a prick.

When is your birthday?: The day my mother plopped me out of her vagina. Although, truth be told, I came out like a Chestburster from Alien, from what I understand.

Who is your best friend?: My left hand. It gives me benefits.

What's your favorite candy?: Aren't we still on "B" questions? What the fuck?

Crush?: Okay, seriously, this is still the "B" category. And even besides that, you're not even asking a question. I can't believe I'm calling whoever came up with this survey a pigfucker this early into it.

When was the last time you cried?: Okay. Seriously? You fuck pigs, dude.


Whats your favorite color?: Mulatto. Or Mestizo. I like to blend.

What kind of car do you want when your older?: When my older? Okay, I'll pretend to not notice the major grammatical error... I mean, how old are we talking about? If I'm 40, I want something sensible. 50, I want something that masks what horrible shape my cock is in. 60, Oldsmobile is a given... 70 and up, I either want to give up my license on account of age, or have a hovercar. After all, that will be the future, and we've been promised those things since the 1950s.


Do you daydream?: I'd quote another song here, but since I can't remember the words exactly... fuck you.

What's your favorite kind of dog?: The kind that'll let me fuck her with a bag over her head.

What day of the week is it?: Wouldn't you like to know, Mister "I don't leave the house because I'm on my computer all the time creating MySpace surveys, and I eat marshmellows while I do it because I'm a sickeningly rotund lardass, and I can't remember what day it is because the fat under my eyes has swelled to a point where I can't make out what the little clock on my monitor says when I click on it."


How do you like your eggs?: To the left.

Have you ever been in the emergency room?: True story... when I was a very young boy, I decided my sled was perfect for sliding my arms through the blades and putting on my back, and then I could pretend to be Han Solo frozen in carbonite. It was a great little playtime, until I slipped and fell and one of the blades sliced my forehead open. I required eight stitches. Wee.

What color are your eyes?: The color of money. That is, if money was colored the color of shit.


Do you use fly swatters?: Pat Morita taught me the art of chopsticks, and I've never gone back.

Have you ever used a foghorn?: Now exactly when the fuck would I have ever used a foghorn in my life, pray tell? When I was a captain at sea, and needed to warn other vessels of the icebergs nearby? Cause that happened? Dick?

Is there a fan in your room?: Yes, and he's borderline obsessive, and I'm starting to fear for my life when he's around. I hear DeNiro's playing him in the remake.


Do you chew gum?: Only when I'm drunk and trying to cover my breath up. Do you suck dick?

Do you like gummy candies?: Only when I'm sucking dick and trying to cover my breath up. Are you drunk?

Do you like gory movies?: Only when I'm... christ, there's no other way to reverse that. Go to hell. And yes, sometimes.


How are you?: In what context? In bed? At shuffleboard? On 15th century Bulgarian architecture knowledge? Tell you what, let's go back to a response I had earlier... how are you at sucking dick?

What's your height?: Probably my win on Rock N' Roll Jeopardy. Definitely my fifteen minutes so far.

What color is your hair?: The rug matches the curtain. Drapes are a little off though.


Whats your favorite ice cream?: Rainbow sherbet (I gotta answer at least one of these properly. And by properly, I mean like a retard).

Have you ever ice skated? Little known fact... The Cutting Edge was a biopic. About me. Just because I was a preteen when it came out doesn't mean it's not true.

Ever been in an igloo?: There's as much chance of me being in one of those as there is of you being in the warm embrace of a female companion. Even one you paid for.


• What's your favorite Jelly Bean?: Jellybean Johnson. Played drums for Morris Day & the Time. Teh dood roolz.

Have you ever heard a really hilarious joke?: You've been laid! AH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAHAH... eh, it's not really that funny.

Do you wear jewelry?: Occasionally I'll wear a cock ring, but that's only when I've been bad and Mistress needs to punish me with torture and subservitude.


Have you ever flown a kite?: Why does this question sound like the start of a sixty year-old insult? Have you ever made like a tree and... well... left? Hmm... that one doesn't really work in print. Or in past tense. Crap.

Do you think kangaroos are cute?: Only when chased by poachers.

And that is enough of that... I just can't stomach filling out this whole thing tonight. Maybe I'll finish it later... you know, around the time I get around to posting my Comic-Con pictures! Look for the conclusion of this survey in mid-2009 or thereabouts! Thank you.


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