Monday, January 09, 2006

Survey Time

This time it's Erin's fault... damn you for posting a survey that actually has something more interesting to ask than "What's your favorite smell?"

1. Would you rather kill a puppy with your bare hands or make out with your father?
Depends... do I get to make out with the puppy before killing it? Because then I think my choice is obvious.

2. What would be worse for the world: One giant (approx. 30 feet tall), cybernetic Hitler, or if all food screamed when you ate it?
It really depends... I mean, first off, did Hitler ever kill anyone with his own hands? Sure, he ordered the mass genocide of millions of people, but I think he was too much of a pussy to pull the trigger himself. In which case, a giant cybernetic Hitler would basically be a very tall screaming machine (something Hitler was very good at doing). So then, you've got one single screaming giant cyborg, compared to all the food in the world screaming, so the food would obviously be worse. Now, if the food all screamed in different ways, that might just be entertaining enough to put it over. Plus, it would definitely open people up to sampling different cuisine.

3. Zombies become a very harsh reality. Sensing the ethical code society has instilled in you slipping away, you decide to start killing everything that moves with what weapon?
The obvious answer is "my cock," but I've overused that in many surveys (plus if one zombie took the old joke about a man's brain being in his pants seriously, that would really suck, no pun intended), so let's say... a CD gun like the one in that old game Revolution X. Now exactly what is this code that society's instilled in me saying I can't kill zombies? I don't think I ever learned that one.

4. When charging into battle, your war cry is?
I'd really like to say something cool and memorable here, like "Viva la revolution" or something, but the fact is, if I ever do charge into battle, I have a feeling the best I'll be able to muster up will be something like "Yaaaaaaahhh."

5. A temporal rift has opened up while you were in the bathroom and sucked you into the distant, distant past. Where do you pray to God that you don't end up?
Somewhere I can't get a decent cheese steak. Oh wait, I already live there. Fuck.

6. Ninjas vs. Pirates: Who wins? Defend your answer.
This is where I'm supposed to be all "in the know" and say something about how Ninjas are totally sweet and would explode a Pirate with their giant boner, right? And then I bet you want me to make a reference to "All your base are belong to us" or some shit like that. Fuck you, nerd.

7. It's your wedding day. However, the night before ants crawled into your head and drove you insane. what song is stuck in your head?
I'd imagine whatever the ants are singing at the time. "Goody Two Shoes," maybe? Yeah, that's just stupid. Forget it.

8. You're driving around and you see an Asian dude on a Kawasaki Ninja motorcycle with a sword strapped to his back. The first thought that comes to your mind is:
Michael Douglas is in trouble!

9. The Battle: A Pit Bull vs. A Pit Bull's body weight in ill-tempered weasels:
How ill-tempered are we talking about? Cause a pit bull really doesn't weigh all that much. Maybe five weasels, tops. They better be in a REALLY fucking bad mood.

10. A serious Dance-Dance Revolution accident leaves you with special powers. Unfortunately the powers aren't all that super. It seems that all you can do is:
Be really good at DDR. I mean, the game's fun, but christ, if you're gonna spend all your time getting good at something, maybe try like, finding cures for diseases or becoming a professional at something that'll earn you a shitload of money. Impressive to watch; totally useless in reality.

11. What alcohol do you drink when you absolutely want the whole world to know how much you hate everyone?
Shit, drinking alcohol makes me overly friendly. If I want everyone to know how much I hate them, I'll have some decaf coffee or something. They'll find out REAL fast.

12. You have sinned grossly against God and your country. Your punishment is to be eaten alive by one of God's creatures. Luckily, you get to pick what creature that is:
A blue whale, because there's a slim chance for survival. At least according to The Bible and Pinocchio.

13. In your most humble opinion, what do you feel is the most vile and savage swearword you can spew forth unto another person:
Bea Arthur.

14. You get to change the name of the state you are living in. You choose:
Maine II. We've already got a couple of "New" states, why not a sequel one? (oh, for Erin, "Californicate," to match her answer)

15. Which animal would totally eat you if it could?
Um... how the hell should I know? The ones that would eat me already have the ability, the ones that wouldn't, can't. Maybe there's some caterpillar out there that'd like a shot, I don't know. Dumb fucking question.

16. Sexiest number between 1 and 10:
Six, because of its translation in German. Of course, the Germans' ideas of sexy are kind of fucked up... hmm. Maybe not six.

17. You are carrying your drink back from the bar when you accidentally run into this girl, spilling your drink on her. She's being a total bitch about it but, c'mon, it was totally just an accident. Her boyfriend subsequently challenges you to fisticuffs. Name two friends you'd want on your side in a fight:
Chuck Norris and Jean Claude Van-Damme. I mean, they're not my real friends, but I'd sure want them to be in this case, just for the sheer awesome flurry of splits and high kicks that would occur. And waiting at the door when the boyfriend runs... Gil Gerard.

18. If you could, what historical figure would you totally like to peg in the junk with a brick? Don't say Hitler, you uncreative POS:
Fine, how about Jesus? Just when he was on the cross though. And right as he was lifting his head to say that "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me" line. Just to add insult to injury. Hell, we could make a game, a brick in the nuts each time he lifted his head to say that line. Cause you know he's gotta get it out. That creative enough for you?

19. What would it cost to make you willingly and knowingly contract pubic lice?
Depends on the girl. I mean, lice are one of those things that can easily be gotten rid of, right? It's not like you're saying "contract AIDS" or something. So like, if Angelina Jolie came up to me one day, and said "I want to fuck your brains out, but I have lice," I think I could give her a freebie. Hell, I'd even spring for the cost of whatever topical cream I needed after to kill the fuckers.

20. Think of the grossest name a strip club could possibly have:
It's a tie between the Spearmint Gyno and Bob's Classy Leper.


Blogger Tristen said...

LOL Spearmint Gyno! That was awesome!

12:42 PM  

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