My spoon is too big.

Why I loved Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (MAJOR SPOILERS).

2008-05-22T23:52:00.000-07:00

I've been reading a lot of reviews of the latest Indiana Jones movie since I went to see it this afternoon. When I left the theater, I felt very happy... I felt I got just what I was looking for, i.e. a natural continuation of the series I'd grown up with. I didn't truly love or incessantly hate the film, I just enjoyed it for what it was, and was happy I got the chance to see one of my childhood heroes have one last adventure.

But hours later, after reading all the reviews and opinions, I know truly love the film. And here's why:

The Soundtrack. - John Williams's music is the voice of almost every movie that made a direct impression on me as a child; Star Wars, Raiders, Close Encounters, Jaws, E.T. Looking at a list of his film scores is to look at a list of the greatest films of all time. But in the past twenty years, his music has gotten kind of boring, a little bland... the magic, that extra spark which added so much to the above titles has disappeared. Occasionally the old Williams has resurfaced here and there; select tracks from the latest Star Wars trilogy show flecks of his earlier greatness. And maybe a couple themes from Harry Potter have shown promise. But for the most part, I'd written him off.

And then I hear the music from KOTCS, and I'm enthralled by it. It's fast, it's exciting, there's melodic themes and dissonant textures, it's everything I remember Indiana Jones music to be.

Althugh Mutt's theme pales in comparison to that of Short Round, but that's a topic for another time.
The CGI. - One of the big issues I've read that people have with this movie is it's use of CGI in the special effects work. Well, all I have to say is boo-fucking-hoo. The fact is, it's 2008, and that's just the way special effects are done now.

Of course there were no digital effects in the first three movies, that's because at the time, CGI simply didn't really exist, except for in a small handful of films, such as... oh wait, that's right. Indiana Jones & The Last Crusade!

The scene when Donovan ages to death? Digitally manipulated. Three dummy heads combined into one seamlessly through computer morphing, same effect that a couple years later made the T-1000 in Terminator 2 possible.

Anyway, the point is, I don't understand the complaints. Is the problem that there's special effects? In that case, all I have to say is, did none of you see the first three movies? What do you think, that there were actually ghosts coming out of the Ark? That a dude's face was actually melted? Or that a group of three actors were thrown into a mine car and pushed down a long, windy broken track?

Indiana Jones films feature insane, outlandish set pieces, that's a staple of the series. And any time something like that needs to be done, it's usually done via smoke and mirrors. Nowadays, the smoke and mirrors are digital. That's just the way it is. And frankly, I'm fine with that.

Which leads me into the other possible reason for this complaint, which is that CGI can look fake sometimes. Will, show me what a real UFO lifting off looks like, and then we'll see who's right.

And the first three movies had a large volume of fake-looking shit in them, I'm sorry. I still cringe thinking of the ridiculously ugly black matte lines surrounding the German bomber plane in Last Crusade. And regardless of the digital clean-up they did on the last DVD of Raiders, the poles which held the Ark spirits in place as the motion-control camera went by them are still CLEARLY visible.

But now, think of the great things done in this movie that could have never been done, or done well, in the past. The warehouse. The nuke. The jungle chase (which had a large number of digital matte paintings in it, especially the part with the cliffside... heart-pounding sequence, that couldn't have feasibly been done back in the 80's).

Sure, Shia LeBeouf swinging through the trees looked like a FMV from a Final Fantasy game... but there's only so real a stunt like that can look. Which brings me to my next thing...
The insanity. - Another thing I've read in different reviews and forums, is that some people think the action was too much, that the movie got ridiculous at times. To which I will again ask the following question...

SERIOUSLY, HAVE YOU SEEN THE FIRST THREE MOVIES?!

One opinion I read took humbrage at Indy riding out an atomic blast in a lead-lined fridge, being thrown clear and surviving.

Let me just point that person to the scene in Temple of Doom, where Indy, Willie and Short Round jump out of a crashing plane, IN A LIFERAFT, land on a mountainslope, slide down it until they FLY OFF A CLIFF, and land safely in a river 500 feet below.

How is that possibly more plausible? This answer, by the way, also goes to the people skeptical about the waterfall scene.

I've also read reviews stating that the sci-fi element, having aliens involved, was just too hokey.

So it's totally cool to have a box containing the Wrath of God, a dude who can pull people's still-beating hearts from their chest while they watch (and survive), and a room full of cups, most of which will age you to dust... but Chariots of the Gods is just a bit too much?

Right.

One of the greatest things about these movies is the sheer amount of ridiculous situations Jones gets himself into. They're fantastical, and the series wouldn't be the same without them.

And c'mon, you're gonna tell me that you'd be satisfied with a Nevada desert circa 1957 scene if there wasn't atomic testing?
The Sound Effects.

Ben Burtt, sound designer for the first three movies, worked on this one again, as was completely obvious to anyone who knows his work. And his effects this time around were like little easter eggs for the fans everywhere, from the sound of the Area 51 door lock being blown (the same sound that the Nazi's generator made when God fried it in Raiders), to the Wilhelm scream that he uses in every movie, this time uttered by a college kid in the library. Brilliant. And speaking of easter eggs...
The Easter Eggs.

As I'm running short on time, I'll just mention the main one that stuck out to me, and that was when Indy mentioned running with Pancho Villa as a kid. Suddenly, watching the always bland and usually boring Young Indiana Jones Chronicles when it aired almost twenty years ago had a purpose, as that gem was lifted directly from an early episode.

So I liked it. Maybe you didn't. Doesn't matter, it's all opinion ultimately. And if you haven't seen it yet, well, you really shouldn't have read this, as by now you no doubt know the ending and more. So, well... sucks to be you...

It's A World Of Tears...

2008-03-12T21:17:00.001-07:00

I'm sure some of you by now are aware of the current refurbishment of It's A Small World at Disneyland... you know, how they have to deepen the canals in order to accomodate the obesity of today's American?

In case you didn't hear... the boats were getting stuck because people are too fat, and they kept sinking too low and hitting the bottom.

Anyway, there's a new story out there about the refurb, which all Disney fans should be considerably shocked and appalled about; that is, the addition of Disney characters to the ride, and the taking out of the rainforest scene in order to put in a new "Hooray for USA" piece.

The original meaning of the ride, that of world peace and unity, will be taken over by blatant commercialism and a need to sell plushies. And don't even get me started on the irony of tearing down the rainforest in order to accomodate America.

And here I'd had faith in the new post-Eisner regime, what with their plans to overhaul DCA, and their ending of the sacrilege of sequelizing the classics (although I did enjoy "Cinderella III," in which Cinderella traveled to Afghanistan to rescue her Fairy Godmother from the evil clutches of Communist Russia)... not anymore, I can tell you.

Fucking bastards. Nothing is sacred.

The original story can be found here.

I'm wanted by Homeland Security (and so is my money).

2008-01-11T19:12:00.000-08:00

This is a letter I sent to my congressional representatives earlier this evening:

Dear (congressional representative),

I am writing this in response to a wrong that was done to me earlier this week by the Employment Development Department, and through them, the Department of Homeland Security. As an Assistant Editor working in the television industry, it can happen that I will find myself unemployed for a few weeks every now and then between jobs. During these times, I depend on my unemployment check to offset my costs of living.

A few weeks ago, after a job had ended, I went to the EDD's website to register for my insurance, as I've done previously in the last three years. In the past, this action has been followed up quickly by a reply letter from EDD in the mail, confirming my information and containing the paperwork I need to fill out bi-weekly in order to get my check. This time, I received the paperwork, but also another letter, asking me for photocopies of proof of identity verification. I sent this proof out, and a couple days later, received another letter, this time requiring me to attend an interview at my local job center.

As much of a waste of time as this was, it didn't bother me as much as what happened next: My first pay stub arrived in the mail, sans check. On the pay stub was a big fat "$0." My unemployment check had been withheld, AFTER I had provided the proof they asked for!

At my job center interview (which ironically occurred on the same day I had started a new job), I was once again asked to prove who I was, and that I had been actively seeking work. No mention was made of my check being withheld until I brought it up.

The reason I was given, and the entire reason I'm writing this letter, was as follows: "It'll take 10-15 days to get your check to you once Homeland Security has screened your information."

WHY IS HOMELAND SECURITY INTERFERING WITH MY UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK?

I was born in this country, I'm a registered voter, I'm a taxpayer. The only blemish on my record is a DUI misdemeanor, an offense that both our President and Vice-President have been convicted of, as well as quite a few other government representatives. I have no political party or religious affiliations. I have no connections to any group or person that could even slightly be considered a security risk; a Google of my name brings up a few resume credits, and the website of my aunt, a school teacher in Japan. I was a Boy Scout, for Christ's sakes!

But because Homeland Security decided I was worth screening, I'm suddenly behind on my rent payment, and just barely paying my other bills. My entire budget has broken down, and I'm forced to watch every penny until the first paycheck from my new job arrives, as I can't count on my unemployment check, something I am supposedly guaranteed from meeting specific eligibility requirements, to be there.

Why is Homeland Security interfering with the EDD? I can't imagine I'm the only everyday citizen this has happened to. Exactly what kind of terrorist network do they think can be sustained on a maximum of $450 a week?

And how much money is being wasted on fruitless ventures like this that could be used towards important things, such as checking imported cargo containers at our ports, or funding the troops that are in Afghanistan, trying to root out and destroy actual terrorist threats?

As an American citizen and taxpayer, and as a human being, I am appalled that this kind of thing is happening. I can only be thankful that I earn enough money in my line of work, to have just enough savings to keep my head above water. I can only pray for the poor soul who doesn't; that unlucky American who, as a result of Homeland Security withholding their check, misses that one car payment which brings in the repo men. Or even worse, misses that final notice mortgage payment, and ends up on the street.

Considering the amount of people who are currently unemployed in LA County as a result of the WGA strike, I truly hope this isn't a common occurrence.

Please note that I will be sending this letter to all my representatives in Congress.

Thank you for your time.

The above actually happened. What a country, huh?

I had an epiphany or two (Whatever happened to SPECTRE?).

2007-10-17T20:56:00.000-07:00

I was watching the movie "Goldfinger" with a friend of mine the other day, and the scene where Goldfinger explains his evil plan to destroy Fort Knox comes on (if you haven't seen this movie before and I'm spoiling the big plot point for you, well, shame on you, get out more). So Goldfinger flips a couple switches in his parlor room (or approximation of such), and suddenly the room basically TRANSFORMS into a war room with a giant model of Fort Knox springing out from under the floor.

Now what I'm thinking is, WHO THE FUCK BUILT ALL THAT?

I mean, this is some seriously detailed model work! And the mechanics to make it rise up like that, with the floor above it sliding over... that takes some serious engineering.

So at first I was thinking, maybe Goldfinger hired a bunch of engineers and model makers to put the thing together... but then you run into the problem of all these contractors running around later knowing of Goldfinger's plans, which would be pretty stupid on his part. Of course, he could've had them all killed... but then, someone would ask questions. Questions like "Where the fuck did all those guys that Goldfinger hired disappear to?"

As I thought more and more, I realized this was a problem in all the Bond movies. After all, SOMEONE had to carve out Blofeld's volcano lair. SOMEONE had to have put together the space station Drax flies off to. And god only knows, Stromberg's underwater fortress took some SERIOUS engineering skills to put together.

So who are these guys?

Answer: HENCHMEN!

All these villains had an army of henchmen behind them. So it only makes sense that these henchmen would be the ones who built all this crap.

This answer also explains why the henchmen have such terrible aim, and never seem to be able to hit Bond, even when he's running across a 70 foot length of space that's less than ten feet in front of them with nothing to hide behind and they've got machine guns and there's twenty of them. It's because they're not soldiers, they're engineers and building contractors.

If you gave them nail guns, they'd probably shoot the shit out of him.

The other thing I realized while watching "Goldfinger" was how much I need an evil henchman, like Oddjob or whoever (just not Jaws, I can't stand that character... Grace Jones in "A View To A Kill" would rule).

Case in point: While driving through traffic on the 405 last week, I started to change lanes, only to see one of those asshole motorcyclists who drive between lanes in heavy traffic speeding up to hit me. I quickly finished my lane change, and what does Dick Suckcocker do? He slows down in front of me, and gestures to me that I should look where I'm going.

Now, considering that I DID look to see where I was going, and Douche Bitchhole came out of nowhere (as he was probably going at least 65 while the rest of us were doing 30 tops), and I also COMPLETELY had the right-of-way, I was a bit angry. But what could I do about it? I was stuck in traffic, and he skirted off between lanes on his way home to lick his uncle's vagina.

However, if I had an evil henchman with me, the situation would have played out completely different. One glance at his license plate, another glance to my henchman, and my anger would disappear, as I'd know that very soon in the near future, Cunt Balltaint was going to have a sudden and unfortunate meeting with a bowler hat. Or a deadly tarantula. Or a shoe with a knife in the tip. Something totally awesome and completely ridiculous at the same time like that.

Goddamn, that's a lovely thought.

One last thought for the night...

2007-09-01T03:48:00.001-07:00

The phrase "Don't take any wooden nickels."

Now obviously, this phrase originally meant "don't take counterfeit currency." But, seriously, who the fuck has EVER taken a wooden nickel that wasn't a complete and total retard? I mean, c'mon, I don't care what time in history, and what kinda metal a nickel was made out of at the time... you CAN NOT fucking tell me that a wooden nickel could EVER feel the same as a legit one! That's like taking a polyester dollar. Print what you want on it, it's still not gonna feel the same.

Fucktards. Seriously.

WARNING: Semi-serious blog ahead...

2007-09-01T03:23:00.000-07:00

Whoulda thunk one of these would come around? But no, I have a gripe that has to do with my actual personal real life. And since it's in my head, I figured I'd share it.

See, I'm one of those billions of people nowadays who strives to become a "professional writer." And god bless the internet for making it seem an achievable goal for everyone nowadays, no, that doesn't make the competition even worse...

Anyway, the point is, I'm at one of those place that I hate as a writer. First of all, let me say how much I love Movie Magic Screenwriter 6, which I bought at Comic-Con last month, came in the mail a couple weeks ago, and my God... it allows you to write an outline, and then build your script based off of that, on the same document. Which for someone like me, who can NEVER bring themselves to write an outline (mainly because I just can't deal with clicking between MMS and MS Word every goddamned time I need to be reminded of where I'm going with a script, which is ALL THE TIME), is the biggest godsend I could ever ask for. I've got a script I've been tooling with for a few years now, that I never got past page 20 on, simply because I couldn't figure out the point "B" between "A" and "C"... and thanks to this program, I can finally finish, simply because I can just jot notes down until I get to the place that I know, and continue from there, going back later.

So, back to my diatribe... first of all, let me say that I love my iTunes, as it picked just the right songs for me to here... as usual, I'm working on something having to do with religious overtones (it's a comedy, and again, as usual, the idea of Hell has a lot to do with it), and just when I get to a part in my notes where I'm jotting down the MASTER PLAN of the main demon... "On Our Own" by Bobby Brown starts playing. I couldn't ask for more.

Now, here's what irks me. I'm sure I'll get past it later, but right now, it's a pain in my ass. The fact is, as I just mentioned above, I've got a character that's suddenly revealed to have a MASTER PLAN. And that MASTER PLAN is what's gonna drive the final act of the script. Problem is, for any of it to make sense, that character has to EXPLAIN the MASTER PLAN. And not only that, but once it's explained, then QUESTIONS have to be asked which hold the logic of it all together, or explain why certain things don't quite make sense. ALL PLOT HOLES MUST BE FILLED. And for all this to happen, it takes quite a few pages. Pages of nothing but exposition. Which frankly, IS NOT EXCITING ON THE SCREEN. I mean, this stuff will probably only last maybe five pages... but that's still FIVE MINUTES of nothing but TWO HEADS TALKING! Sure, they're saying funny stuff... but still, NOTHING ELSE IS HAPPENING.

And this is the hurdle I have to leap right now... figuring out how to make all this exposition entertaining for that long of a time. Again, I'm sure I can do it... I mean, dammit, this blog aside, I'm willing to go out on a limb and say I'm a pretty good writer. But still... it's a pain in my ass right now, and given that I can't think beyond it in my script right now, I'm just gonna waste the rest of my creativity bitching about it. So there. Have a good night.

And hey... any writers reading this blog, anyone with comments or other forms of communication... feel free to reply with your own stories of pain, or random thoughts. As the great Tangina said, all are welcome.

Today's thoughts.

2007-08-24T02:47:00.002-07:00

These are the things went through my head today. They are also reasons why I should seek psychiatric help.

- Whoever came up with the phrase "never say never" was a fucking idiot. I can think of plenty of times when "never" is a great thing to say. For instance, I NEVER want to be anally raped. I feel quite pleased with myself for that statement. I NEVER want to have a child die from SIDS. I think that's a good, healthy thing to say. Fuck the guy who said "never say never."

- When you wash towels in the laundry, do you feel just a little strange when you put them in the dryer? Like somehow, you're defeating their purpose? Maybe it's just me.

- Most automatic cars have a first and second gear available for use on hills and such. Now name me one automatic car driver that has any clue which of those two gears should be used in which situation. Personally, I think they're just there to make certain automatic car drivers wear down their gears at the same rate as manual car drivers do.

- The Dodgers seem to have gotten back on their feet this past couple weeks, but during that horrid losing streak that put them in fourth place in the N.L. West... how should I put this... for a team with that much potential to do that poorly for that extended of a period of time? Frankly, the last time I can think of a team screwing up so badly was in 1919. I won't name the team, but let's just say they came from Chicago and lost the World Series.

- Let's say two claustrophobic people get along really well. Now if someone describes their companionship as "like two peas in a pod..." do they get uncomfortable?

- Fuck World of Warcraft.

- Why does scented toilet paper exist? Exactly who is purposely sniffing the stuff? Before or after?

- Will someone please explain to me the appeal of Robin Thicke? Besides him being the son of Alan, of course. He's on every single goddamned MTV channel all the time, and I don't know why.

- "Brand new from Noxema, new Ethnic Cleanser! Wipe that race... right off your face!" (yeah, I know that's in pretty poor taste, but c'mon, the rhyme's kinda catchy)

- I just watched Robocop today for the billionth time, after purchasing the new DVD of it which came out this past Tuesday (making this the third time I've bought the movie... but this time, the set has the unrated version of the film with DTS sound! How could I refuse?!). Now, I absolutely adore this movie, as it is not only a key piece of late-80's pop culture, it's also a deliciously delightful satire of corporate America and the culture of corruption, which gets more and more poignant with each passing year (I swear I didn't crib that description, that's what actually came to mind... seriously, I'm not gay). "Pakistan's invading my borders!" Genius.

Anyway, as much as I love this movie and everything in it, there's one issue I have with it, which has bugged me since the first time I saw it. Namely, the scene when Robocop takes off his helmet, exposing the face of Murphy for the first time. See, here's the thing... through the entire movie up until that point, his chin and neck are covered by a rubberized black neckpiece. But once he takes off the helmet, AND ONLY THE HELMET, that neckpiece suddenly disappears! Not only is his chin exposed, but also his entire neck! WHERE THE HELL DID THE NECKPIECE GO?!

I suppose I should be happy my life is in good enough shape that I can actually consider that an important question. Of course, I might be using trivial bullshit like that to mask the real issues that I'm unwilling to face.

Guess the psychiatrist will know for sure...

Yay! A MySpace survey! Pt. 1

2007-08-11T03:18:00.000-07:00

Sorry to those of you waiting for Comic-Con content (all three of you), I haven't gotten the chance to get all my pics in order yet, what with all the working I've been doing, and the drinking I've been doing... oh, and yeah, to you people that got me addicted to Puzzle Quest, which has taken up the rest of my free time... I hate you all, and will soon prove it to you when my Knight has the rest of you sucking from his teet!

In the meantime, a friend of mine posted a new alphabetical MySpace survey this evening, I couldn't help but want to answer it...

A

• Are you available?: Only at Macys and participating Spencer's Gifts.

• What is your age?: A lot of people go with "Aquarius," some with "Innocence." Me personally, I'll go with the age of "Wonder." A thousand years ago, this land was green and good... until the Crystal cracked.

• What annoys you?: People who use smartassed pop culture commentary as answers for ridiculously simple questions.

B

• Do you know anyone named Billy?: I did, but then he lost my number, after all the times I told him not to. What a prick.

• When is your birthday?: The day my mother plopped me out of her vagina. Although, truth be told, I came out like a Chestburster from Alien, from what I understand.

• Who is your best friend?: My left hand. It gives me benefits.

• What's your favorite candy?: Aren't we still on "B" questions? What the fuck?

• Crush?: Okay, seriously, this is still the "B" category. And even besides that, you're not even asking a question. I can't believe I'm calling whoever came up with this survey a pigfucker this early into it.

• When was the last time you cried?: Okay. Seriously? You fuck pigs, dude.

C

• Whats your favorite color?: Mulatto. Or Mestizo. I like to blend.

• What kind of car do you want when your older?: When my older? Okay, I'll pretend to not notice the major grammatical error... I mean, how old are we talking about? If I'm 40, I want something sensible. 50, I want something that masks what horrible shape my cock is in. 60, Oldsmobile is a given... 70 and up, I either want to give up my license on account of age, or have a hovercar. After all, that will be the future, and we've been promised those things since the 1950s.

D

• Do you daydream?: I'd quote another song here, but since I can't remember the words exactly... fuck you.

• What's your favorite kind of dog?: The kind that'll let me fuck her with a bag over her head.

• What day of the week is it?: Wouldn't you like to know, Mister "I don't leave the house because I'm on my computer all the time creating MySpace surveys, and I eat marshmellows while I do it because I'm a sickeningly rotund lardass, and I can't remember what day it is because the fat under my eyes has swelled to a point where I can't make out what the little clock on my monitor says when I click on it."

E

• How do you like your eggs?: To the left.

• Have you ever been in the emergency room?: True story... when I was a very young boy, I decided my sled was perfect for sliding my arms through the blades and putting on my back, and then I could pretend to be Han Solo frozen in carbonite. It was a great little playtime, until I slipped and fell and one of the blades sliced my forehead open. I required eight stitches. Wee.

• What color are your eyes?: The color of money. That is, if money was colored the color of shit.

F

• Do you use fly swatters?: Pat Morita taught me the art of chopsticks, and I've never gone back.

• Have you ever used a foghorn?: Now exactly when the fuck would I have ever used a foghorn in my life, pray tell? When I was a captain at sea, and needed to warn other vessels of the icebergs nearby? Cause that happened? Dick?

• Is there a fan in your room?: Yes, and he's borderline obsessive, and I'm starting to fear for my life when he's around. I hear DeNiro's playing him in the remake.

G

• Do you chew gum?: Only when I'm drunk and trying to cover my breath up. Do you suck dick?

• Do you like gummy candies?: Only when I'm sucking dick and trying to cover my breath up. Are you drunk?

• Do you like gory movies?: Only when I'm... christ, there's no other way to reverse that. Go to hell. And yes, sometimes.

H

• How are you?: In what context? In bed? At shuffleboard? On 15th century Bulgarian architecture knowledge? Tell you what, let's go back to a response I had earlier... how are you at sucking dick?

• What's your height?: Probably my win on Rock N' Roll Jeopardy. Definitely my fifteen minutes so far.

• What color is your hair?: The rug matches the curtain. Drapes are a little off though.

I

• Whats your favorite ice cream?: Rainbow sherbet (I gotta answer at least one of these properly. And by properly, I mean like a retard).

• Have you ever ice skated? Little known fact... The Cutting Edge was a biopic. About me. Just because I was a preteen when it came out doesn't mean it's not true.

• Ever been in an igloo?: There's as much chance of me being in one of those as there is of you being in the warm embrace of a female companion. Even one you paid for.

J

• What's your favorite Jelly Bean?: Jellybean Johnson. Played drums for Morris Day & the Time. Teh dood roolz.

• Have you ever heard a really hilarious joke?: You've been laid! AH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAHAH... eh, it's not really that funny.

• Do you wear jewelry?: Occasionally I'll wear a cock ring, but that's only when I've been bad and Mistress needs to punish me with torture and subservitude.

K

• Have you ever flown a kite?: Why does this question sound like the start of a sixty year-old insult? Have you ever made like a tree and... well... left? Hmm... that one doesn't really work in print. Or in past tense. Crap.

• Do you think kangaroos are cute?: Only when chased by poachers.

And that is enough of that... I just can't stomach filling out this whole thing tonight. Maybe I'll finish it later... you know, around the time I get around to posting my Comic-Con pictures! Look for the conclusion of this survey in mid-2009 or thereabouts! Thank you.

Congratulations, Barry.

2007-08-08T11:39:00.000-07:00

I'm a Los Angeles Dodgers fan, through and through. I think Blue throughout the waking day, and sometimes into night. I wear my team jersey with pride; I cheer with each victory, and cry upon each defeat.

Well, not cry... perhaps "curse like a sailor" is a better term. And god knows recently, my potty mouth has known no bounds. But we're not here to talk about that (how the FUCK do you lose 13 of your last 20?! What, did we fucking switch teams with Kansas City one night, and no one bothered to tell us?! Jesus fucking Christ, guys!).

I'm all about the rivalries between west coast teams; I consistently tell the Padres to go fuck themselves whenever they're in town (not that they can hear me, but it's the animosity that counts), and I think The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim need to realize how ridiculously retardedly redundant that name is when you translate the spanish in it, not to mention the fact that Anaheim isn't even in Los Angeles COUNTY, let alone Los Angeles proper.

Fucktards.

But of all the established rivalries in this part of the world, none come close to that between the Dodgers and the San Francisco Giants. It's a rivalry that's crossed a nation, that goes back generations, almost 120 years in the making. It's two teams who've played against each other a staggering 2,260 times, the Giants having won more in New York, the Dodgers having won more in California. It's between these two teams, back in 1951, that Bobby Thomson hit the home run which became known as the "Shot Heard 'Round the World."

When the Dodgers visit San Francisco, they're met by the constant cheers of "Beat LA!" by the fans. And when the Giants come down to Los Angeles, "Giants SUCK!" echoes loudly through the capacity-filled bleachers of Dodger Stadium.

I'd mention the stadium that the Giants play at, but I imagine the name would change before I finished writing this, and I'd be out of date. Just say the word "Park" and insert any random phone company name in front of it, and that's close enough.

Now as a Dodger fan, I take great pride in letting the Giants know, when they come to town, exactly how much I hate them. And one Giant in particular stands out; the great Barry Bonds. Forget the fact that he's mired in steroid investigations, forget the fact that for a good majority of his career, he's generally been a surly prick to his fans and the press; he is the figurehead of the team, the face of the franchise, and as such, he must bare the brunt of our hatred and bile. And anyone who's been to Dodger Stadium with the Giants in town knows how easily the chant "Giants SUCK!" turns to "Barry SUCKS!" in the blink of an eye.

I love to loathe him, and I will continue to do so, up until the day he retires. But I will not loathe him today. Well, in actuality, I didn't loathe him last night, when the event I'm writing about actually took place, and I was lucky enough to witness it through the miracle of television; come to think of it, I do loathe him again today. But last night, I did not.

But since the video of his magic moment didn't appear on YouTube until today, we're shifting the timeline a bit.

Congratulations, Barry. You did it. You earned your place in sports history, and you did it well.

Now let's not talk about this again.

BARRY SUCKS!

GIANTS SUCK!

Congrats.

Things That Bug Me, 2007 Edition, pt. 1

2007-07-21T04:34:00.000-07:00

So yeah, being a normal human being, there are occasionally some things that urke me to some degree. And since this is my blog, my solitary place to bitch about those things, here is the beginning of my list for this year...

THINGS THAT BUG ME, PART 1:

STEM CELL RESEARCH OPPONENTS. - Look, I understand your argument people, it's the same bullshit you've been using against Roe Vs. Wade since the early 70's... "Every embryo is a life, every life is sacred, every life desecrated is murder."

Okay, so first off... and I've made mention of this in previous blogs, but please, right now tell me, how many of you people are pro-death penalty?

Yeah, that's what I thought. Fucking hypocrites.

Anyway, your big issue, the major problem you have with stem cell research is that it "destroys life," it destroys embryos. Now let me ask you this; do you have any comprehension about the type of embryos we're talking about here? We're not talking about embryos taken from women trying to conceive, we're talking about embryos created in a lab for no purpose other than research. They are nothing more than a small group of cells. And they get thrown out when unused after a period of time.

Taking this into account, your logic also suggests that we shouldn't eat yogurt, as yogurt is created by bacteria, and thusly holds living cells in it. And it gets thrown out when it's no good as well.

And let me ask you this question; being a male in my late 20's, I have a tendency to masturbate. As most males do, from the age of 13 up until... well, christ, I won't know until I get there, but we're talking 60's, 70's at the least. So now tell me, considering each ejaculation I perform upon myself carries thousands of living sperm out into the open, to die within seconds... does this make me a murderer?

But I digress...

EMO KIDS BUYING RECORDS. - Look, here's the deal... I love records. I love vinyl. I love the feeling of putting a needle in the groove, hearing that slight scratch emanate through the speakers, and feeling the first song on my record come to life.

But I also only love that feeling when it's real.

Here's what I mean: Up until a few years ago (like, ten or fifteen), most recordings were made in an analog style, usually onto tape. These tapes were then mastered, and copied onto a number of different sources... a couple decades ago, they'd be put onto a master record, from which all copies would be printed from. Or there would be a master tape, which carried the 8-track or cassette recordings. But then, towards the mid-80's, there was suddenly a master CD.

And the CD was digital. It couldn't hold all the nuances the analog recording did, as it was stuck with a specific bit rate, a specific bandwidth of frequency it could hear. So the earliest recordings on digital media sounded tinny, and never had the warmth of the analog masters. And vinyl fans rejoiced, and spoke down about this new media, that couldn't possibly ever carry the true vibe of the music that they loved so much.

But as the years went by, digital media grew into higher standards, and higher quality. And the recording industry caught on, and suddenly, everything was being mastered digitally. All recording studios started recording artists onto a high-frequency digital medium. And analog was a thing of the past.

But hark! What is this I hear? The kids of the next generation actually listened when their parents talked about how wonderful analog vinyl was, and now they're willing to pay through the nose to buy vinyl copies of their current favorite band's albums?!

And they don't pay any attention to the fact that they're listening to digital media on an analog source?!

Here's the long and short of it; the earliest CDs, the ones made up until somwhere in the late 90's, carry a code on them, usually the letters "AAD." What that stands for is "Analog Analog Digital." Basically, an Analog master created an Analog source, which was then recorded onto Digital media. And quality was lost between the analog and digital.

Nowadays, CDs no longer have that label, as everything is made from digital sources. But now, explain to me, how a Digital master, to a Digital source, recorded to Analog media (records), is going to be any good? I mean, how much of your digital signal is lost recording to an analog source? And how much more will be lost as your vinyl degrades under the needle?

This is why I think the Emo kids buying records are idiots... their record collections will never sound as good as the digital masters.

But I guess that's something else for them to be despondent about...

(End of Part One.)

Never rains when...

2007-07-10T14:53:00.000-07:00

After putting off washing my car for about half a year, as the tendency for rainy days during winter and spring were too great (and happening every time I even thought about washing it), I finally took her to the car wash yesterday to get the whole shebang done; wash, wax, sealer, vacuum, tires, etc.

SO GUESS WHAT HAPPENS TODAY?!

And to prove even more that it rained on account of me, the drops fell at precisely the correct angle that they could splash the back of my car, which is currently parked in a covered carport. And they were big drops as well, the ones that leave a giant ring where they land.

The spoiler and trunk are now pitted with huge watermarks.

Goddamn you, mother nature. After everything I've done for you...

That's it. This week I'm leaving all the lights on in my apartment, and running water all throughout my tooth brushing.

That'll show you, bitch.

Big Ideas For A Small Planet... Watch It This Tuesday

2007-07-07T03:19:00.000-07:00

For those of you that don't know, this past winter and spring I spent working as an assistant editor on the show Big Ideas For A Small Planet, an environmental documentary series for the Sundance Channel.

Now, as much of a clusterfuck as the production was, admittedly the end product was incredibly good, and I'm ridiculously proud to have worked on the show (even with the Lexus sponsorship).

This Tuesday, Sundance will be showing the episode entitled "Pray." It's one of my absolute favorites, as it shows, without a doubt, that environmental concerns aren't just a concern created by hippie athiests, but an issue that even the most right-wing religious folk do and should care about.

There's a story about a Reverend preaching environmental care to elementary school children of different faiths and practices, a segment about a Southern Baptist woman opposing the evils of mountaintop removal coal mining, and a piece about a Florida based company that will literally use your dead ashes to bring life back to the coral reefs.

Anyway, the point is, this is a very good show, and I'd quite like to share it with the lot of you. It airs this Tuesday, July 10th, at 9pm EST/PST. Please watch it, TiVo it, share it with your friends, buy it off iTunes (the full series is only $20!), whatever. Just share the message.

"Umbrella" by Rhianna... Why do I love it so?

2007-07-03T03:43:00.001-07:00

Is it that ridiculously catchy hook of a chorus?

Is it that repetitive chord progression that somehow sounds fresh with each repetition?

Is it Jay-Z, upon knowing this song would be a hit, forcing himself into the beginning of it with a completely out of place rap, just to prove his corporate ass still should be considered "an artist?"

Or is it that part of the video where 19-year old hottie Rihanna does the naked Goldfinger chick thing, but in black and white, making her look silverish, shiny, and just plain awesome?

Before I get too far ahead of myself, for those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, here's the song, and accompanying video (presented by Covergirl, as you'll see the second you click on the play icon... and don't forget to watch through to the end, to see Rhianna shill for her favorite lip gloss manufacturer!):

Okay, now let the song digest for a second. In fact, take a few minutes, go open another tab in your browser, do something else for a little while (like maybe read something of importance, as opposed to this blog, maybe the news or something... did you know Bush commuted Libby's sentence today? Will someone PLEASE give me a justifiable reason why our President isn't in jail for treason by now?). Once you're done with that, come on back here... and TELL ME THAT SONG ISN'T STILL STUCK IN YOUR HEAD.

Even if it's just one little piece, one little echo of the chorus ("-ella, -ella, ey, ey, ey"). Something repeating through your brain over and over, making you need to hear the song again, play it over and over. You can't tell me different.

Now, understand where I'm coming from... I, for the most part, HATE most music of the last 15 years or so. There are a few bands I like here and there, a few songs I enjoy, but for the most part, it's my opinion that modern music died when a.) Bush and Candlebox landed a one-two TKO punch to grunge and rock music in general, and b.) Michael Jackson got in trouble for child molestation the first time (yes, that long ago).

But now and then, someone creates a hit single, that, as far as I'm concerned, completely deserves to be a hit, and more so. Nelly did it a few years ago with "Hot In Here," as did Beyonce with "Crazy In Love" (another track that Jay-Z poked his nose into). Justin Timberlake did it with "Rock Your Body," and goddamn, Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl" is still one of my favorites. Hell, even the recent "Fergalicious" by, who else, Fergie, is a kick ass track.

It's rare though, that I'm prompted to buy an album thanks to a single... after all, of all five songs I just listed, I can only think of one which belonged to an album that justifued purchase, and that was Gwen Stefani's (go figure, since I've never been into No Doubt). But Rhianna's song is so damn good that I went out and bought the album immediately. No speculation, no wait for a second single, no download of it from Soulseek before deciding to purchase... nope, I just went ahead and bought it. And guess what? It's a fantastic album! So fantastic I'm even gonna link to a purchase option right here, Good Girl Gone Bad by Rhianna, available in fine stores everywhere, and online in a few places.

Hell, it's so good that I'm willing to forget the fact that after finding the video for the song on YouTube, I soon after found this:

I mean, I understand the world of shilling for the man... christ, even the most respectable project that I've worked on, Big Ideas For A Small Planet, was still sponsored by Lexus (and I won't even begin to discuss how they stuck their noses into the episode about driving, suffice to say it was either as bad or worse as the writing in that Covergirl advert was). It's pretty much a given nowadays that the only way to get out in the public eye is by allowing corporate sponsorship to travel alongside (not that this is a new concept; didn't they used to sell cigarettes during the Mickey Mouse Club?).

Point is, the song is so good, I could care less about the sponsorship. Hell, I could care less about the fact that it's one of those songs that makes regular people think they can sing it:

Quick question aside... why is it that every single person who sings a pop song into their webcam for YouTube has to be shirtless, and so ridiculously gay that a flaming drag queen homosexual will look at them and say, "Goddamn, honeybuns, you are fucking gay!"? Is there a written rule that I didn't notice when I agreed to the rules and regulations for the site?

Anyways, back to the point... there's one other thing I love about this song, and that is, the fact that it's the rare pop song nowadays that's not about sex, or drugs, or partying, or bling... it's about friendship, and caring for another (and here are the lyrics, for whoever wants them). It's about loving a person so much as a friend, that you're happy to be there for them at any time. Maybe you were once an item, but you're not anymore, who cares? You're still there for that person who meant so much to you, no matter what. "And that's when you need me there, with you I'll always share..." something best friends would say to one another. It's sweet, it's innocent, it's lovely.

Unless of course, "umbrella" is a synonym for "vagina." In which case the song's about a pity fuck.

However, I can't imagine a girl willing to do that ever going so far as saying "come into me," and meaning it in that context. So yeah, we'll stick with the innocent subtext for now.

Although Rihanna is naked and silvery in the video... hmm...

The Match.com chick hates me.

2007-06-19T03:23:00.000-07:00

Well, maybe she doesn't hate me... but she sure doesn't have a good impression of me.

Here's the story... so I was sitting in front of my computer bare-assed naked tonight... and before the retarded 13-year olds that read this shit get all vomitory over the concept, figure it's 3:30am, it's warm in my bedroom, and I don't feel like turning on the A/C, so why the hell should I not be in a state of undress? Unless the Dali Lama or my dead grandmother is about to burst through my door and catch me, I can't think of any reason why not.

Anyway, so me and my cock were signing off of MySpace. Now before I continue in this story, please be aware that I'm one of the very few smart people in this world that actually angle their computer monitors down, so that I'm sitting above it and looking downwards at the screen, thus saving my eyes quite a load of strain. If you didn't know that you were supposed to do this, then congratulations, I just G.I.Joe'd your ass, you are now prepared to go fight half a battle.

So mind you, the screen is looking down. Now, when you sign off of MySpace currently, it's almost a given that one of those stupid "Flash video that's supposed to look like live webchat" Match.com ads is gonna dead center in the middle of the screen. Which in this scenario was definitely the case. And this is what that Match. com screen looked like:

Notice she's looking downward. Now imagine your monitor is at the same angle that mine is at, and you can immediately guess where she's looking on my naked self. So immediately, the question springs to my mind...

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT LOOK SUPPOSED TO MEAN?! But it gets worse...

Great, so now she's cracking up. She's laughing at my manhood. Wow, way to boost my self-esteem, Match.com. You pigfuckers.

Now, being that these are still shots, I can't quite get across the length of time she sat there laughing. Rest asssured, it was quite a while. And then, she calms down and does this:

Taking a drink. Great. While still observing my package. Getting her thoughts together. Which means she's either debating, contemplating, or just plain disturbed. I'd like to think contemplating...

...but since she's obviously attempting to ignore me here by finding anything else she can possibly look at, possibly looking for help from someone in the studio? I imagine it's probably revulsion on her part.

Which makes me curious now as to whether these little webcam animations are actually that, or possibly more? Could these random women actually be live, and peering into our rooms, checking out our junk when we're dressed for the womb?

Or have I just had a couple too many Mai Tais?

Of course, that would account for shrinkage, in which case she probably wouldn't be very impressed...

I guess I'll never truly know for certain.

I just wonder how she can see me when I don't have a webcam hooked up...

Thriller by Bollywood.

2007-06-18T23:53:00.000-07:00

This is either what happens when India imitates 80's Michael Jackson... or it's what happens when a spaz with horrible fashion sense gets late-stage hepatitis and tries to get laid. In either case, it's fucking horrifying. At least that's my opinion. What do you people think?

And for an interesting interpretation of the lyrics, go here. It's quite worth the extra four minutes of your life.

Something that's been puzzling me...

2007-06-16T05:22:00.000-07:00

Look, I'm all about the ridiculousness of stereotypes. I'm totally about tearing them down, and proving they're not necessarily true.

For instance, I know quite a few Jews, and none of them are greedy, or have huge noses.

I know a few black people, and from the knowledge we've shared, their dicks are no bigger than mine. Well, not always, anyway. And a couple of them, I can actually jump higher than.

I've met a few Indians that have nothing to do with convenience stores.

And I've met Native Americans that can drink in moderation.

But I swear to God... until I meet an Oriental NASCAR driver, I will refuse to believe they have any skill behind the wheel.

And hey, before someone gets on my case for using the term "Oriental," can I please point out that if I use the word "Asian," then I include Indians, Arabs, and even a couple post-Soviet Bloc countries? I mean shit, they're all in Asia.

Right now, this ridiculous war we've created in Iraq? Hey, guess what?! Iraq's in Asia! Right now, our troops are fighting in Asia! And some people can't find a connection between this war and Vietnam...

Anyway, the point is, after careful study (my focus group includes every drive I've taken to get to work in the past three years), almost every accident I've almost been in would have been caused by an Oriental woman in a minivan (again, I understand the term "Oriental" can be considered racist by some, but you have to understand, it wasn't a Saudi in a burka that almost killed me a number of times, it was a woman of Eastern Asian descent, and since I was unfortunately not close enough to be able to distinguish Korean from Chinese from Japanese from Cantonese, etc., which amazingly, I'm actually usually pretty decent at, I have to go with Oriental, as that's the old word for that side of Asia... and hey, if someone's got a better word, I'll be happy to use it).

You know, now that I think of it, perhaps an Oriental man will someday be able to prove himself behind the wheel on a test track. After all, in all the close calls I've had driving to work, it's almost never an Oriental man driving that minivan which wants to run me into a narrow ditch. It's always a woman. With straightened hair cropped to her neckline. It's the women I doubt.

I wonder if it's the same one...

Yeah, this blog's gonna get me lots of sex, you betcha. But that's okay. That's not what I care about.

Oh, hey, by the way, after a yearlong absence... I'm back. Burn, baby, burn. Etc.

Adages To Live By.

2006-07-11T15:47:00.000-07:00

- If you can't beat them, join them. If you can't join them, beat the hell out of them for being snobby bitches.

- There's no such thing as a free lunch. Unless, of course, someone gives you lunch without asking for anything in return. In which case lunch becomes hypocritical.

- A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, unless the two in the bush are just seriously fucking awesome birds.

- Two wrongs don't make a right. They make a wrongwrong.

- That which does not kill us makes us stronger. Unless we're talking about a severe degenerative muscular disease.

- People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Especially when they're stoned themselves.

- Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and as boring as a pity fuck.

- Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. Especially wrongwrongs.

- It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God. However, according to the religious right, it is easier for a needle to pass through the eye of a camel than for a poor man to enter.

MySpace Top 8 Survey

2006-06-27T17:38:00.000-07:00

How did you meet 6?
Why are you friends with 3?
Is 7 in a relationship?
Have you kissed 1?
Have you hugged 4?
Have you done anything sexual with 6?
Would 1 and 8 make a good couple?
How long have you know 2?
Would you ever kiss 7?
Whats a good memory with 5?
Ever hugged 8?
Do you love 4?
Is 5 nice?
How did you meet 3?
Who makes you laugh?
Who makes you smile?
When was the last time you saw 4?
Would 3 and 6 make a cute couple?
Does 8 love you?
Do you see 3 a lot?
Describe 4 in 3 words?
What would you buy 1 for their birthday?
Have you traveled anywhere with 5?
Do you have fun with 7?
Is 2 a cool person?
Who is the loudest?
Do any of them get on your nerves sometimes?
Do you know when 6's birthday is?
What do you really think of 3?
Best memory with 4?
Does 1 even know you?
Is 5 happy?
Does 7 live close?
Do you have any classes with 2?
Have you and 3 ever hooked up?
Are you and 8 close?
Do you wanna kiss 4?
Is 6 a good person?
Does 2 own a car?
How did you choose your Top 8?

Why the toaster in my work lunchroom sucks.

2006-06-27T13:20:00.000-07:00

Just look at what the pig fucker did to my Pop-Tart!

Yes, that's right. One end is burned, the other is raw. One side of the frosting is caramelized, the other is mushy. How the fuck does this happen, especially with the entire Pop-Tart locked inside the toaster? All of it being warmed at the same time? I don't fucking get it.

Maybe later I'll post a picture of the culprit that did this. Just to show the world what kind of toaster the terrorists use.

Goddammit.

Another Reason Why the 80's Sucked.

2006-06-14T16:53:00.000-07:00

Which one are you?

2006-06-09T17:12:00.000-07:00

Don't like the White House? Want to make a difference?

2006-05-25T17:36:00.000-07:00

Three candidates for the House of Representatives have taken it upon themselves to start a call for the immediate impeachment of Bush and Cheney.

As this is a goal that I find myself in complete and total agreement with, I feel compelled to post a link to their site here.

http://www.impeachteam.com/index.php

The site is a simple form letter... you fill out your info, and maybe a comment about why impeachment is a necessity, and they'll send it out to all your representatives, as well as your local newspapers if you're CA-based.

http://www.impeachteam.com/index.php

It takes three minutes of your time to do, and who knows... you mght just end up a small part of a huge difference.

And there's my political editorial for the week.

I hate writing letters.

2006-05-19T12:52:00.000-07:00

Recently, a friend of mine had a stand-up special debut on Comedy Central. I wanted to give him a call and congratulate him (his name's Kyle Cease, catch his special if you can, he's absolutely hilarious), but it'd been probably a year and a half since I'd seen the guy, and it was always through a mutual friend, so I didn't have any current contact info for him. I mentioned this to the mutual friend through an IM conversation (as we are too evolved to use those primitive devices some people call "phones" anymore), and she suggested that I drop him a note on MySpace.

After taking a minute to recall that MySpace actually has uses beyond being a child molester dating service, I agreed that this was a wise decision, looked him up, and found myself staring at MySpace's message form. A blank form, waiting for me to fill it with some wonderful musings on how much I enjoyed my friend's show.

You'd think this would be simple; all I needed to say was "Hey, been a while! Great show! Congrats!" Very easy, straight to the point. Problem is, you can't write that. It's too short, it amounts to nothing! What the hell kind of letter would that be? Something that simple would work as a comment, maybe... it would work perfectly in conversation, as the other person would immediately fill in the blanks, and stretch it out. But as a letter, it's crap.

So I started writing. Along with the "hey, been a while," I listed off a bunch of places we'd hung out, just in case he didn't remember. Of course, then I'm thinking, "am I treating this guy like he's got Alzheimer's? Or like he's such a star now, I don't register anymore, being one of the little people? Or do I look like I'm trying to seem incredibly important?" To offset this possible insult, I crack a couple jokes. Yeah, that's great. Cracking jokes to a comedian. Like everybody and their mothers don't barrage him with dumbassed comments all the time, trying to be funny.

(and yes, grammarticians, I know I changed from past to present tense during that last bit, I also wipe after I pee, what's it to ya)

All right, next paragraph. The congrats. This part's easy... "saw your show, it was great, congrats!" Okay, that's done... but now, I've said all I have to say. I'm left with nothing. No leadout, no final statement, no conclusion to my original hypothesis... god, how anticlimactic.

So now I've gotta make something up. I could always go with the easy out... ask a question, force him to continue the conversation... "How are things with you?" Simple, saves the need for an ending... only problem is, he's on the road all the time, and probably has tons of people writing to him through MySpace. So it's kind of rude to finish that way, like I'm expecting him to reply, and will be insulted if he doesn't. Okay, that's out.

Maybe I should end with the friend request? Cause he is, technically, a friend. But then it's still a little weird, because this is an out of the blue letter, so I'm just ASSUMING the guy remembers me, much less even likes me as a human being. For all I know, he could write back with something like "if you ever contact me again, I'm going to shit in a bowl of oatmeal, and create shoatmeal, and then I'm gonna forcefeed the shoatmeal to your cat while I rape it, and then I'm gonna slowly run over the cat's corpse, cause it'll be dead by then, killed by rape and shoatmeal, I'm gonna slowly run over the corpse with a Big Wheel out of spite, cause I don't like you," and after that, a friend request is a little pointless. So scratch that one also.

Ultimately, I end the letter with my name. And that's it. Pathetic.

Maybe it's my own fault, my own need to embellish that makes it so difficult to write a simple congratulatory note. But really, if someone wrote you a note that said "way to go!" and that was it, wouldn't you feel like there was something missing? Some emphasis, some extra oomph lacking?

I think the problem is that I know in my soul what I have to say, and anything beyond that is simply bullshit. All I have in me is one, fully sincere, "Congratulations!" There's no need for more, and yet there is, because that doesn't translate in a note. But what does translate is a bunch of wordage that I don't have in me.

I have issues like this with other types of notes as well. Like when someone passes a birthday card around, for all to sign. No one wins in that situation. First off, unless some hilarious thing just happened like a half-hour before the card was passed that works as a decent inside joke, you've really got nothing to say but "happy birthday." Maybe in caps, followed by an exclamation point, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!," to prove that you REALLY mean it, that you're SINCERE. Or if you're feeling all Joe Cool about it, you can write "B-DAY." Cause you live life in the fastlane, and you don't have the time to write out those four extra letters.

Ultimately though, you need to write something, and you have to think of something to write, but you better make it quick, because OTHER PEOPLE NEED TO SIGN THE CARD! They're WAITING! And hold on, PUT AWAY THE CARD, THE BIRTHDAY BOY/GIRL MIGHT SEE IT! Because they haven't noticed people passing a pen around all night, or huddled in corners trying to keep something they're writing in away from his view, and they'll be completely surprised upon receiving this card.

It's like trying to pee with someone staring at your crotch, yelling "DO IT! HERE IT COMES! LET'S DO THIS!" at you through a megaphone. Slightly unnerving, to say the least. But you have to take some time, because you have to read EVERY OTHER COMMENT, and make sure yours is as good if not better than what everyone else wrote. Which is why one should always feel sorry for the first person who signed the card, as their comment will end up being paltry and insignificant compared to everyone elses. In fact, they're lucky to still be friends with the birthday person by the end of the evening.

The worst thing about that card, however, as it is with all cards, is the immediate redundancy it forces a person to be a part of. I mean, there's a very good chance that a birthday card will probably have the phrase "Happy Birthday!" printed on it somewhere, isn't there? Meaning that everyone who writes that phrase on the card is just repeating what's already been said.

But cards force you to do that, and it's very unfortunate. Like a "Get Well Soon" card, for instance. I don't know if I've ever seen a "Get Well Soon" card that didn't say "Get Well Soon" right on the front of it. And that pisses me off, because they've taken the only thing you want to say away from you. I mean, what's left? "Good luck to ya!" "Try not to cough anything up!" "Could be worse, you could be dead!"

All anyone wants to say with a "Get Well Soon" card is "get well soon," but not only do they take that away, then they leave a giant blank space inside the card, forcing you to embellish, forcing you to come up with something ridiculous that just ends up making you look like a tool. But it's either that or leaving the space blank, which makes you an even bigger tool.

I suppose I should write a final statement here, but as I'm under no moral obligation to do so on this, my own blog, I'll just wrap up with one final sentence:

FUCK YOU, HALLMARK.

Ahh. Now that's a satisfying conclusion.

A Visit To E3 (or, Wii the People)

2006-05-15T23:55:00.000-07:00

That Coachella blog's still coming, hold your horses, people!

This past Friday, I was one of the few, the proud, etc., to attend the 2006 Electronics Entertainment Expo at the Convention Center in Los Angeles. I've been going for a number of years now, via a number of ways (usually through work, other times through super secret means that I cannot mention lest some innocents be slaughtered), and this was a year that I was especially excited about. Two new systems unveiled! Dozens of next-gen games to be played! Hot chicks in skimpy viking outfits hawking merchandise they know nothing about! What more could one want?

This year, one could want a LOT more.

For one, the booth babes were forced to wear more clothing while pretending they were there for more than a paycheck. But that's a miniscule issue.

What truly bugged me was just how little innovation I saw in the next generation of games, namely in the XBox 360 and PS3 categories (I'll hold off on the Wii for a bit). After all, look at the promises Microsoft and Sony were making:

"Immersive game environments, smarter A.I.!"

"Exciting new controllers!"

"HD graphics leagues beyond anything the current-gen games can offer!"

Here's what I saw:

Immersion and A.I.? Eh, about the same. Maybe bad guys ducked bullets a little quicker. And I'll admit, it was kind of cool how many of the objects lying around levels were interactive (random boxes and chairs easily blown up or picked up, etc.). But besides that, there wasn't much to make me truly notice a huge difference.

New controllers? Admittedly, this was a Sony claim only (again, I'll talk about the Wii in a bit). But in their press conference they made it seem like a rather big deal. In practice though, it's just the PS2 controller with some built-in gyros that make it act like a handheld version of the steering yoke on the old Star Wars arcade game. Decent concept, but a little wonky in practice.

HD graphics? Okay, I'll admit, the graphics on a lot of these games were quite beautiful, definitely much cleaner and crisper, much more detailed than what any current-gen console can offer. But now here's my issue with that:

Quick disclaimer: I'm about to get technical with screen resolutions and shit like that. If you don't know anything about the subject, you might want to read up on it before proceeding (here's a good place to start).

I, like most of America, currently own an NTSC television set that runs at 480i. While these next-gen graphics looked beautiful on the 1080i HD monitors they were previewed on at E3, they're gonna fall quite short on my TV at home, even through component inputs. And since these graphics are being tailored for that HD screen, they could very well look like a bloody mess on my set (skinny lettering looks beautiful in HD... on NTSC, it's almost illegible).

Now, as I mentioned earlier, the differences in gameplay between current-gen and next-gen games are pretty negligible. So unless I shell out the cash for an HDTV when I buy one of these new systems, there's really no worth in me upgrading right now. Especially when you figure that the systems themselves cost between $400-$600 (top-end price gets you a fully packed PS3 with a built in Blu-Ray DVD player... but again, without an HDTV, Blu-Ray is useless), add onto that the cost of an HDTV, and suddenly the only people that can buy all this shit are those still getting taxcuts from the Bush administration.

Oh, and did I mention the HDMI interface cable to connect the TV and game system, which is the only way to enjoy the full 1080i resolution, costs $100 alone? And that's a cheapie at Radio Shack.

So ultimately, a full investment into this next generation is going to cost around $2000. And that's before buying any actual games. Games that don't have much to offer in the way of innovation aside from better graphics.

Yeah, I think I'll wait a bit before making that investment. And somehow, I think a lot of people are going to feel the same way come Christmas.

And this is why I think Nintendo has the best chance this year with their new system, the Wii.

Yes, it's a ridiculous name. But it kinda sticks with you, doesn't it? Plus, it's fun to say. Just mouth it to yourself, right now. You don't even have to make a noise, just mouth it.

"Wii."

Hard not to smile, isn't it? Say it again. "Wii." Bet you smiled again, too. Unless you're a Nazi baby rapist or something. Bet you laughed when E.T. died also, you sick fuck.

Anyway, the Wii pales in comparison with Microsoft and Sony's systems. The graphics aren't HD, it has no built-in movie player (or add-on possibility), and it's got a weird new-fangled controller that senses movement.

On the other hand, who gives a fuck? The fact is, it's fresh, it's innovative, and it'll most likely be a couple hundred dollars cheaper than the other systems.

Admittedly, I probably shouldn't have a fully formed opinion just yet... I didn't even get the chance to LOOK at the thing during E3, much less play it.

However, the reason for this was that the line to get in the Nintendo booth to play the Wii was about three hours long, and never let up. People were lining up in droves to get to this thing. And when they'd emerge from Nintendo's booth, they were smiling, laughing, the lucky recipients of a good time.

I'd talk to a few people about their experience with the Wii here and there, and each time, I'd get the same reaction, an excited rambling of how cool it was using that weird motion-sensing controller as a bow and arrow, or how much fun it was trying to balance the thing in their hand like a broomstick to score points, or how well it worked when used as a gun in a first-person shooter. Someone remarked to me how well it worked when used as a steering wheel; someone else laughed about having to put it on their head so that the squats they were doing would register.

All over the showfloor this year, I got a sense of "been there, done that" from every booth, from every exhibitor and retailer I saw (except in Kentia Hall, where Engrish spawns from the dark orifices of Manga-nized kung-fu warriors selling wares from the deepest depths of Southeast Asia... in that area, I got more of a sense of "BIG NUMBER ONE IS FRUITY GOOD TIME! QUIZ GAME PLUNGES HERO YOU IN CHUNKY LOVE JUICE!"). But at Nintendo's booth was a real sense of awe and innovation. People were curious, they were intrigued, and most importantly, they weren't disappointed. If anything, I saw people who'd been laughing about the Wii when it was first announced last year suddenly changing their minds and saying, "Hey, Nintendo's got something here."

Ultimately, we'll see what happens. But it's my bet that come Christmas time, people all over the country are going to go to their friendly neighborhood Toys 'R' Us or Gamestop or EB or wherever they buy games, and see the PS3, XBox 360, and Wii sitting next to each other on the shelves. And I think most of them will be picking up the Wii. Sure, it'll probably be because of the INSANE price difference, but I think they'll also be intrigued by this brand new, yet incredibly simple concept Nintendo's brought to the world of gaming. I think they'll see that not only can hardcore gamers enjoy these games, but so can everyone in the family, so can the friends at the party, so can the kids in the cancer ward years after the fact when dad's cheap ass donates the old game system to them instead of making a real cash donation.

Fact is, the innovations offered by the XBox 360 and the PS3 are technical bells and whistles, most of them pretty useless to the general public at this time. What the Wii offers is something everyone can get into, namely, pure & simple entertainment.

Sony and Microsoft spent so much time trying to bring the future to us, they forgot to notice that most of us are still living in the present, and have a bit of difficulty connecting to that future with immediacy. Nintendo, on the other hand, went the other route, and decided to make the present as much fun as possible.

Wii!

A Momentary Lapse of Writing

2006-05-08T20:19:00.000-07:00

Hey, what's the best way to kill a blog?

How about post something that brings thousands of new IP hits to your site, links you to some of the big name blogs out there, and overnight, gives you a dent into the online community, and then, don't post ANYTHING ELSE FOR THREE WEEKS!

Yup, that's what I've done... brainiac that I am. But hey, I had no choice... a couple days after my last Kimberly post, I came down with a nasty flu, and had no interest in living, let alone sitting at a computer. Then came Coachella weekend, and after that... well, after that I've just been lazy.

But rest assured, I shall soon resume my random musings and mumblings, going-ons and what-nots. I apologize in advance to the people I offend.

Coming soon to this blog:

An in-depth wrap-up of my Coachella weekend, complete with pictures (provided I get around to uploading them)

Another in-depth review, this one of the floor show at E3

A pic-by-pic walkthrough of the video for the song "Can You Feel It" by The Jacksons

...and a whole plethora of surveys and rants and random bullshit.

Come to think of it, maybe it's best I wasted the opportunity to gain readers, I wouldn't want to browse this shit...

One thought to leave you with:

Hey, Bush apologists. Yeah, you people in that 31 percent who still think this administration's doing a good job, that there were WMDs in Iraq, that Iraq and 9/11 are somehow connected, that wire-tapping is necessary to prevent terror. Yeah, what's the other name for you people? Um... oh yeah... HEY, DOUCHEBAGS!

HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU CONTINUE TO STAND UP FOR THIS GUY?! Christ, you guys are worse than Cubs fans, I swear! I just don't understand how your brains are so small that they can't comprehend just how fucked-up downhill this country is going right now.

All I can do is create an analogy that will hopefully make sense in your "USA! USA! Remember the Alamo, mom and apple pie, I shoot immigrants" minds. And that analogy is this:

Would you have stood up for Hitler? No? How about Stalin? Hmm... Castro? Apparently, those are evil Nazis and Communists to you, aren't they? They represent everything wrong with politics to you, don't they?

Now explain to me where their propaganda machines were all that different from our propaganda machine. Tell me why their treatment of their people is so different from the treatment we've been getting.

Sure, you can argue that in Hitler's case, he was committing genocide... of course, there are genocides going on all over the world right now that our government has been COMPLETELY ignoring. Seems to me that by our own laws, when one has knowledge that cold-blooded murder is happening, yet does nothing to stop it or otherwise help prevent it, that's considered being an accessory.

Let's not forget the fact either, that our president led an attack on a sovereign nation (something Hitler did quite a few times). By international law, that makes him a criminal.

Jesus, here I was just writing an excuse for not being around, now it's turning into a real blog entry... yeah, that must mean it's time to go. But rest assured, I'll be back soon!

Quick reply to a comment: Hey Lindsay, long time no talk! Sorry I can't leave any real contact info here, but I've had enough of home loan and penile implant emails, and as these waters are trolled by bots constantly, I fear putting out any real personal information. Try looking me up through MySpace if you're on that shambles of a website... otherwise, I'll figure out someway to get in touch. Ciao!

(Good god, I just wrote "Ciao" as a signature, what a fuckin' retard)

Mayor of Disneyland pt. III, Sadly Not To Be...

2006-04-19T11:43:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately it appears that I was a bit too late in the quest to mock the fuzzed-out trash can pic on Kimberly's website, because when I went to the site this morning to do an image capture, her new banner looked like this:

Now, Kimberly? it's nice that your webmaster finally changed the picture completely and all, but really, do you mean to tell me that you just CAN'T find a real picture of New Orleans anywhere?! I mean, look at this crap! It makes you look like a realtor!

Seriously Kimberly, the city of New Orleans has been around a couple hundred years longer than the camera has, I'm sure you could at least find SOMETHING to put in the background.

This, for example, is a lovely image from the real French Quarter. Sure, it's a ripped-off image, but at least it's from some random person's photo journal, not a giant corporate entity. It's a warm, caring image, sure to get you votes.

Of course, if you really want votes, I suggest you do something like this:

First off, this banner has boobs, which automatically wins you the male constituency. Secondly, it shows what most people's immediate first thought of New Orleans was, pre-Katrina. Third, you can use it as an in-joke.

"Look at that horrible smudge job done on the faces of the people in the photo!"

"Hah! Yeah, it's still not nearly as bad as that fucked-up smudge job on the trashcan! Nudge nudge, wink-wink... see how my self-depricating humor makes me personable?"

And the greatest thing about this last one... who's gonna sue?! You got a couple of stupid drunk chicks in the foreground, too embarrassed to ever own up to this picture... and in the background, a bunch of even dumber drunk dudes who couldn't give less of a shit where their faces end up online. Nothing to worry about.

Anyway, the point is, Kimberly, you're not selling houses for Century 21, you're running for mayor. And you've got less than a week left, so go, be daring, be risk-taking... go get some beads!

Taking a quick break from Kimberly...

2006-04-18T20:22:00.000-07:00

First off, let me thank all of you who have been enjoying my Kimberly blogs, especially those of you commenting on them, and those who are now reading deeper into my archives of rants and raves and random bullcocky.

I'd also like to hand out a special big thanks to Ape Lad, whose "Mayor of Nepal" pic was what inspired me to go off on a tangent like this in the first place; and one to Roland, who pointed out to me this morning that Kimberly has indeed changed the image up a bit on her website... I'll be talking about that a bit at some point tomorrow.

In the meantime, however, I'm a little irked about something. A little something, too, weighing in at 7lbs., 8oz., and measuring in at about 20 inches long.

(This space reserved for every pre-adolescent minded penis joke that's running through all your heads right now)

What's irking me, is Tom and Katie's new baby.

(We're done with the penis jokes now? Okay, let's continue)

Now, I don't care that they had a baby, good for them. We've yet to live in a post-apocalyptic future where the only people allowed to breed are genetically superior rulers of the status quo, so shit, let them have as many babies as they want (I'm sure their Scientologist Overlords will be very pleased with that prospect).

What gets to me is how everybody seems to care so damned much. I checked my Myspace account this afternoon (yes, I'm on that site, and no, I'm not a child molester, and no, don't ask me to add you as I only add people I actually know in real life, and NO MORE FUCKING BANDS!), and the first thing I saw were four, count them, FOUR fucking bulletins in a row proclaiming the birth! All I can ask myself is, WHY?!

I checked a few different media websites, and as I had expected, they all had TOP stories about the event (CNN was where I got the birthweight from... normally I wouldn't give a shit about that kind of info, but I needed it to make my segueway interesting, please forgive me). And weird side stories as well. Even the Huffington Post, a site which I normally love and admire, was carrying a story from The Mirror about Tom wanting to eat the placenta (and no, I'm not linking that, as I only link to stupid bullshit at times, not obvious bullshit)!

There are 14.1 million babies born in the U.S. every year, which is 1.1 some-odd babies born every month, which is... well, it's a shitload of babies born every day! Now, where's the press for them? Where's the hooplah? Where's the media coverage for every other human being brought into the world? What makes this baby so much more special than every other baby, except for that it's parents are celebrities?

Absolutely nothing, that's what. Although I will admit the name "Suri" is quite beautiful (again info garnered from CNN, not my fault).

Rest assured, however, if I ever marry a Katie, Katherine, Kat, or similar sounding name, and someone decides to dub our firstborn "Damkitty?" Yeah, I'll make quite sure to respond to them by slapping baby's first dirty diaper in that person's face.

Mayor of Disneyland, pt. II

2006-04-17T16:57:00.000-07:00

So I had a chance to think about things over the weekend. And I realized that if Kimberly truly wants to be a mayor, maybe Disneyland isn't the best place for her. At first I was thinking Knott's Berry Farm or Cedar Point, but then I realized, no, she should branch out from the amusement park business, and find something more real, more tangible. Here are my suggestions:

I apologize for that last one... I just find the phrase "Mayor of Intercourse" really funny for some reason. But I also laugh when I hear the word "poopy," so what're ya gonna do.

Mayor of Disneyland

2006-04-14T14:10:00.000-07:00

I'm sure by now quite a few of you have heard about Kimberly Williamson-Butler, the woman running for mayor in New Orleans who used a picture of New Orleans Square at Disneyland in her webpage layout to stand in for the real thing?

actual image from website

If you haven't, you can find a bit about her at BoingBoing here, and a quite in-depth article by Jim Hill here.

Anyway, the point of me blogging about this, is that I feel kinda sorry for the woman. Two weeks left in the race, and with this new scandal in front of her, there's no way she can win.

But is that any reason to quit? Hell no! If at first you don't succeed, try, try again, Kimberly! Try, try again!

To prove my support, I've created a small number of new campaign website billboards for you, in order to hopefully inspire you and help you find new direction in your burdgeoning political career. Enjoy!

Background images stolen from http://www.disneypix.com... gotta give credit where credit's due

What's the deal with Cuba?

2006-04-04T01:20:00.000-07:00

I promise, my next blog will be humorous...sorry for the chain of political and religious shit, but you know, I gotta write about what's on my mind...

So, a couple weeks ago, Japan beat Cuba in the World Baseball Classic. I was lucky enough to be at the game where Mexico beat the U.S. to allow Japan into the finals (it's a points thing, don't ask how Mexico winning made Japan win, just deal with it), and while I was happy to see the national pride that the Mexicans gained from winning, I was really rooting for the U.S. Why?

Because I knew Cuba would make it to the finals, and I was dying to see a U.S. vs. Cuba game.

Of course, I wasn't rooting for that matchup out of knowing it'd be good baseball... I wanted to see it because I knew if it happened, all the bullshit politics between the two countries would come out, and maybe someone in power would decide to start debating it again.

For those of you not in the know, the U.S. has had a trade embargo (best term I can think of right now) with Cuba for over 40 years. Basically, what it boils down to is, after the Bay of Pigs fiasco and the Cuban Missile Crisis in the 60's, we decided that Castro's regime was pure evil, and we would have nothing more to do with them.

Now here's what I don't get: Castro made Cuba into a Communist-Socialist country. Okay, we don't like that, fine. However, China and North Korea follow very similar doctrines, but we can have free trade and talks with them. Explain to me why the situations are so different?

I might not have been alive during the height of the Cold War, but maybe that's why I can see how stupid our embargo against Cuba is. I mean christ, we're not hurting Castro, we're hurting his people. This is a country that's basically stuck in the 1950's, and it's thanks to us that they haven't grown beyond that time.

And this is why I was so hoping that maybe baseball could bring out the stupidity of it all. If the U.S. public could see that the Cubans are people just like us, and as proud of a sport as we are, maybe they might start asking their congresspersons, "why are we still at war with this country?" "Why is it that these people who are so like how we used to be so evil?"

Cuba's not a threat to us, they haven't been for over 40 years. There's no reason why we can't be cordial with them, except for some ancient machismo bullshit. And this is why I hope now, when the World Baseball Classic returns in 2009, that the final comes down to the U.S. and Cuba. Because we shouldn't ignore them as a country anymore.

Hopefully we'll be out of Iraq by then...

Thought Of the Day

2006-03-23T00:05:00.000-08:00

Wanna have some fun? Here's how. Go up to someone and ask them if they're pro-life or they're pro-choice. If they say pro-life, ask them why. Chances are they'll say something along the lines of "every life is sacred."

Next, ask them if they're also pro-death penalty, and then stand back and watch them squirm.

I am now a complete and total loser.

2006-03-21T21:15:00.000-08:00

I decided to relax with a bottle of wine tonight, and so I stopped by my local liquor store on the way home from work. They sell a large selection of wines, ranging anywhere from cheap $3.00 bottles, to $100+ bottles of rich bitch crap.

I, not being able to afford top shelf price for a drink that I know I'll have finished the complete bottle of within a couple hours, usually go for say, a larger $7.00 bottle (still pricey compared to Two-Buck Chuck, so I feel I'm splurging).

There's a $7.00 Shiraz I've been content with for a while that I normally would have picked up, but I was in more of a Merlot kind of mood (and who isn't on a Tuesday?). So I picked a Merlot that was right under the Shiraz, and low and behold, it was on sale for $5.00! What a bargain!

I brought it home, sat down, and eagerly grabbed my super-duper brand spankin' new butterfly bottle opener (at least, I think that's the name for them, the kind with the handles that raise as you twist the corkscrew?). Not bothering to unseal the bottle, I stuck the screw in, and pushed it down.

The corkscrew pushed in a little ways, and some metal came up, presumably from the seal. As I twisted, I noticed the screw wasn't going very far, so I pushed harder. A slight brownish cork-looking substance began to push up out of the hole, and I realized I'd better start again. So I did.

This time, the corkscrew pushed in a little... and then went all the way down. Oh christ, I thought, I must have just destroyed the cork! So I took the edge of the screw, cut into the seal, opened it up...

...and revealed a screw-cap underneath. A screw-cap with a large hole in it, jagged plastic and metal surrounding the edges.

Yes, not only did yours truly buy a cheap bottle of wine with a screw-cap... but yours truly also managed to try and open it with a corkscrew.

I am now a complete and total loser.

Funny thing about making strange noises with your lips...

2006-03-21T21:14:00.000-08:00

It's oddly enough, a very entertaining thing to do when bored.

It also ridiculously irritates your co-workers to no end.

Which can also be, oddly enough, a very entertaining thing to do when bored.

And the circle of life continues...

Why I don't trust the mainstream media.

2006-03-07T16:53:00.000-08:00

Image taken from CNN.com:

Really, should any group that misspells the name of what they're supposedly presenting be considered a trusted source of information?

We live in a Puritan country.

2006-03-07T00:02:00.000-08:00

And here's why it sucks:

England, that country the Puritans left so as to find "religious freedom?" Yeah, well that country has Page 3 girls. Show me a major newspaper in the States that has that.

That's what I thought.

Puritan assholes.

Goddamn You, Disney.

2006-03-01T18:59:00.000-08:00

So the Pirates of the Carribean is being renovated starting March 6th, and will reopen in June. Okay, no big deal... and hey, they want to make the ride look it's sparklingest in time for the new movie, good for them. The ride seriously needs a cleanup, and a sound and light upgrade can only improve it.

So why am I pissed? Three words: Captain Jack Sparrow.

Yes, these motherfuckers have decided to add Johnny Depp as an animatronic to the ride, fully vocalized, with new music cues surrounding him.

So unnecessary. And so commercial. Dammit, John Lasseter is supposed to be saving the parks... why the hell is he letting this happen?

I'll give them this; if they at least take the food trays away from the women being chased (a stupid PC change from the mid-90's that just looks lame... apparently, it's okay for pirates to steal, murder, and cause random acts of wanton violence, hell it's even okay for them to sell women at an auction! But they better not chase said women around, cause that's WRONG), I won't complain about the presence of Captain Jack. I'll hate it, but I won't complain. Dammit.

Well, that's not completely true, I have one more thing that needs fixing, namely, this:

What's wrong here, you ask? Simple. The pirate ship's sail is down. It's been down for a couple years now. And thanks to this boneheaded idea, one of the most famous hidden Mickeys in the park is GONE! That great, fantastic illusion, where the lead pirate would turn his head, and as he did, the shadow of his hat would form a sillhouette of Mickey Mouse. A great trick, designed by one of the original Imagineers on the project... and gone, thanks to some corporate boneheaded bullshit.

Goddammit. Fix it.

The funny thing about racism is...

2006-02-27T22:05:00.000-08:00

So, political correctness is dead, we all know that at this point... yet some of the terminology has stuck around. And frankly, a lot of it is very insulting. Oh, it might not seem that way at first... but when you really look at it, it's more derogatory and sterotypical than a lot of racial slurs can be. For example:

African-American. Okay, we're all aware at this point of the stupidity of calling only black people "African-Americans," considering that there are white Africans as well (Charlize Theron, for example). But what if someone's Black and not from Africa? That's even worse. Imagine a Jamaican being called an African-American. That's just a little insulting. And frankly, wouldn't the term denote that you were originally from Africa, but moved here and took up citizenship? I hate the idea of slavery as much as anyone else, but the fact is, the Africans were brought here and other countries against their will over a century ago. An eighth-generation kid from Harlem is not an African-American. He's an American (we'll get into the problems with that term down the line).

I'd also like to know why Egyptians are considered Middle-Eastern by a lot of people. Egypt is on the African continent. They're just as African as people from Kenya, as are Moroccans, and Libyans. Is it because they were never enslaved? At least, not in the last couple hundred years? Hell, if slavery is the reason behind the term African-American, then shit, that would make the Jews African-American as well. Which historically isn't that far off.

And why is it we never hear this use of words on other continents? I've never heard a black man from the UK call himself an African-European. No, the only reason we have it here is because mother fucking Puritan assholes need to make themselves feel better for centuries of oppression.

Mexican-American. You here this term used a lot in Southern California. And frankly, it's a bunch of bullshit. Why? Because it's REDUNDANT! That's like calling someone from Seoul a Korean-Asian. The fact is, anyone from a Latin country in this hemisphere, from the U.S., even the Canadians... they're all American, be it North, Central, or South. And that brings me to my next point.

American. In this country, we LOVE to talk about ourselves as America. We constantly say, "AMERICA is the greatest country," "AMERICA leads the world," "AMERICA is number one!" Guess what, mother fuckers? America is three continents! We live in the UNITED STATES, people! The United States of America! Key word, "of!" You uppity assholes down by the border, getting all pissed off about "letting the Mexicans into America..." they're already there! They've been there longer than you have! Hell, you're living on land that was pillaged by their ancestors WAY before your ancestors stole it!

I will say one thing in defense of the faux patriotic bullshit I'm tearing apart though: admittedly, it's hard not to call oneself an "American." The fact is, "United Statesian" just sounds stupid. But it's not hard to say you're from the "States." And it's not difficult to name yourself after the state you're from. Me personally? I'm a Californian, and proud of it. Not as proud as Texans get... but then again, their state pride is something on it's own level. Try saying something bad about Texas to a Texan who hates the place. Nine times out of ten, you're gonna get punched in the face. I can deal with being called an "American." But that's not the name of my country.

Jewish-American. Now we're talking complete bullshit. Jewish is a religion, not a race. If we're gonna call people Jewish-American, we better keep designating. Christian-American. Muslim-American. Atheist-American. Zorostrian-American. Yeah, gets to be a pain after a while. So how about we get rid of the term altogether, huh? I mean christ, next thing we're gonna start designating politics and preferences. "This is my friend Bill, he's a Liberitarian-American." And I can't think of one gay man who wouldn't be ridiculously insulted by the term Homosexual-American. Well, they might be insulted, but they'd probably still laugh at it. Gay people seem to have better senses of humor than straights do (and yes, I'm stereotyping, but let me put it this way... find me a gay liberal man who can laugh at straight conservative rhetoric, then find me the opposite. Which is gonna be easier to scout out?).

While we're on the topic of religion, let me make one thing clear for a bunch of people: Arabs aren't necessarily Muslim, and vice-versa. A lot of people make this stereotype, and it's just not true. There are plenty of Arabs that are Christian, Jewish, even Hindu. But folks just automatically assume that all Arabs pray to Mohammed. That ain't the case. To turn it around, let's assume that all U.S. Americans are Christian. Yeah, that's pretty insulting, isn't it? Thought so.

Native American. Yes, I know the term Indian only exists because the Spaniards thought they'd found the West Indies. And yes, American Indian is just as stupid of a phrase. But seriously, even the Native Americans aren't native. Supposedly, they're nomadic tribes that spread their way down from the Bering Land Bridge. The closest to Native American that existed were the Incans, the Mayans, the Aztecs, and even then, who really knows. You wanna be decended from a tribe, great, go for it. But then you're Cherokee, you're Chippewa, you're not Native American. Unless of course you go for the real definition of the term, in which case, I'm a Native American. Hell, I was born in North America, why wouldn't I be? And I'm proud of my heritage.

Asian. All right, this is probably the biggest bunch of bullshit that stereotypes have created. Seriously, let's be rascist for a second. What's the first thing that comes to mind when you think "Asian?" Short, slanty-eyes, no chest hair, good at math, bad drivers... yeah, the Asian stereotype goes on and on. And it's completely WRONG!

Firstly, there are Asians that suck at math. And second, some Asians drive very well. But that's not the point.

The point is, the Asian stereotype is geared towards people from China, Japan, Korea, Vietnam... guess what, people? You know that country our soldiers are in right now, the place in the Middle East that we're trying to "liberate?" It's in ASIA! The place where people wear dots on their heads and pray to Vishnu, what's it called... oh yeah, India. Also in ASIA!

And guess what, mother fuckers? Israel, that land given to the Jews as part of repartitions after WWII? Also in Asia! You know what that means? Israelis are Jewish-Asians! Hope you Texans can deal with that.

Armenian. Yeah, this is a very Glendale, CA bit here, so if you're not from Southern California, then skip it. In Glendale, there is a very large Armenian community. So large, in fact, that on some job applications and work forms, it's considered an ethnicity. I got news for you mother fuckers perpetuating that shit... the Armenians are Caucasian. More Caucasian than you or I, probably. Know how I know this? It's simple. The Caucus mountain range borders their damned country! Think about the term for a second... Caucasian. Caucus... Asian. Hell, the truth is, the Middle East is closer to being Caucasian than you English Puritan cocksuckers will ever be. Maybe that's why you want their land so much... not because of oil, but because that way you can fully steal their ethnicity.

And what about me? At this point, there's probably a few people out there asking "where the hell does this little bitch of a white boy come off saying this shit?" Well, it's simple. Racially, I'm a mutt. I got English, I got German, I got Norwegian, I got Mexican (which gives me both Spaniard and "Native American," as the Spaniards raped them to make Mexicans). I got a bunch of other shit in my blood that I'm not to even sure about, but you know what? I'm proud of all of it. I don't give a fuck about race, creed, or country (although I do love the land I came from... California! What a place!). I'm just proud of being a human being.

And one more... All right, this has nothing to do with race, but it's on my mind, and somewhat fitting. For some reason, with all the problems in the world concerning war, starvation, AIDS, global warming, etc... the Religious Right has taken it upon themselves to make abortion their number one priority. To them, you're either Pro-Life, or Pro-Choice. Here's the thing: Pro-Choice incorporates Pro-Life! Pro-Choice means just this; a woman has the CHOICE of aborting a fetus, or taking it to term. Pro-Life means that no matter what the situation, a woman has NO choice but to take the baby to term. Even if she's a rape victim. Or a casualty of incest.

Pro-Life is nothing but another bullshit term that glosses over the horrors inherent in it's actual meaning. Like the Clear Skies Initative. Or the No Child Left Behind Act. Or frankly, Hitler's decision to call his slaughterhouses "camps." We live in a free country. Give a woman freedom to choose. Sure, some people will take disgusting advantage of that freedom. But look at all the assholes that feel they can get away with all sorts of evil bullshit because "Jesus will forgive them," and tell me which is worse.

Okay, I'm off my highhorse. Feel free to comment.

Another survey...

2006-02-23T17:54:00.000-08:00

Been a while since I've posted one of these things, but as this incredibly lame survey as been going around for a while, I felt obligated to do it. Mainly because I just need something to do right now. I'm bored. Someone hold me.

A - Available? Not for purchase, no. Possibly for rental, or for parties.
A - Age: The Bronze Age was interesting. Stone Age was okay. Age Of Innocence, bleah.
A - Annoyance: You ever try and open a twist-off cap, only to find that the precut part wsn't cut well, and the top won't come off? And then you keep trying, cause you're fuckin' thirsty, but just make a mess of the thing. That pisses me off.

B - Best Friend? A boy's best friend is his mother. But thankfully, I'm a man, so my best friend is an invisible leprechaun that lives under my bed and tells me stories about Taoist superheroes.
B - Birthday? No more birthdays for me for a while, thank you. The last one was a little more lasting than i needed.

C - Car: It's interesting how the lettering system of this survey so closely mirrors an ABC book I had as a child. Except there are no pictures. That sucks. Oh, and yes I have a car. I live in LA, how could I not.
C - Cat: I also have one of these. She's cute. And evil. Like all women.

D - Dead Pets Name: Don't tell me, I need to give you my grandmother's maiden name and the name of the street I grew up on for this? Yeah, fuck off.
D - Dads Name: He only tells me his aliases.
D - Dog: Gimme a pound.

E - Easiest person to talk to: A mute parapelegic. You can tell them anything.
E - Eggs: I've got them, yes.
E - Email: Are you fucking kidding? I'm just gonna put my email out for a dataminer to grab? I get enough spam about generic Cialis, thank you.

F - Favorite color? The color of money. It's in the way that you use it.
F - Food: What about it? Do I want some? How the fuck am I supposed to answer one-word questions?
F - Foreign Slang: You're a foreign douchebag. How was that?
F- Future Plans: Kicking the ass of whoever wrote this piece of shit survey.

G - Gummy Bears or Worms: Let's see, one is a tasty candy or a classic kid's show, the other is a parasite that lives in my intestines and feeds off my excrement. Hmm... I'll have to think about it.
G - God: Sometimes you just don't come through. Bitch.

H - Hair Color: I don't care if the carpet matches the drapes, as long as they're well color-coordinated.
H - Height: 6'0". 4'2" in heels.
H - Happy: Gilmore? What the fuck is this asking?

I - Ice Cream: you scream, we all scream when someone's jammed a thousand needles into our individual eye sockets. I don't scream for ice cream though.
I - Instrument: In my high school yearbook the heading under my photo says "most likely to become an Instrument of Pain." Don't know what that means exactly.
I - Idol: You doll, we all doll... eh, fuck that.

J - Jewelery: yes, I know how to spell it properly. "Jewelry." Cockwhore.
J - Job: He had some problems, didn't he? I think. Could never really figure out the point of that story.

K - Kids: Incorporated, K! I! D! Asshole.
K - karate: Do people still train for this shit? Seriously, Cobra Kai could get their collective asses kicked by practically any other martial art. Hell, even Tai Chi might stand half a chance.

L - Longest Car Ride: Six days across country. I was in the trunk, too.
L - Longest Relationship: I no longer measure relationships in time, only in amounts of pain. In which case the least painful lasted about 4 hours.
L - Love: my way, it's a new road. I follow, where my mind goes.

M - Mothers Name: I plead the fifth. Just like they made me do in court.
M - Movie Last Watched: I can't say the title, but I swear that all participants were over the age of 18.

N - Number of Siblings: None living. Yeah, you don't know HOW to feel about that answer, do you?
N - Northern or Southern: Western. There's more than two directions, asshole.
N - Name: Name what? That tune?

O - One wish? I wish there were less letters in the english alphabet. God, why can't this thing be over yet...
O - One Phobia? Discophobia. I don't have it, but it's the first one to pop in my head.

P - Parents, are they married or divorced: Thankfully divorced. Hey, that's the first real answer I've given, I think!
P - Part of your Personality you like best: My enormous cock. It's very personable.

Q - Quote: "You know what sounds fun? Hanging myself with a belt while I masturbate. Think I'll try that." - Michael Hutchence

R - Reason to smile: Getting laid. I've been frowning a lot lately.
R - Reality TV Show: Buck Rogers In The 25th Century.
R - Right or Left: Can't a person be ambidextrious? You fucker.

S - Song Last Heard: "Please, God, Don't Kill Me" - My Last Victim
S - Season: Oregano. Makes everything better. Even sex (probably why I haven't gotten laid lately, seems no one believes me when I tell them that).
S - Sex: Male. Dumbass.

T - Time you woke up: Ten something, I think..
T - Time Now: 7:41pm.
T - Time for bed: Whenever I pass out from all the drinking.

U - Unicorns?: Not only is this survey lame, but now it's incredibly gay.
U - U are? Again, what the fuck? Half sentences don't form a question, asshole, especially when they're written in the style of Prince. K, there's an answer for you... I am The Artist Formerly Known As Shut Your Fuckin' Piehole.

V - Vegetable you hate: Whoever wrote this cocksucker of a survey. Seriously, this survey sucks my cock.
V - Vegetable you love: Lima beans.
V - View on Politics: I refuse to express them here, as I seriously doubt whoever wrote this even came up with this question. It looks tacked on to me. Ask me again about the unicorns, bitch.

W- Worst Habits: Wasting time filling out bullshit cuntwhore surveys like this crap.
W- Where: On my computer? Or wherever else I have access to my blogs? Or is this yet again just a stupid fucking one-word question that has no point except to add another letter? God-fucking-dammit I hate this.

X - X-Rays: This is complete fucking bullshit.
X - X-xtra special someone: "Extra" starts with an E, and there's still only one X in it if you're purposely spelling it wrong, you daft cunt.

Y - Year you were born: I'm old enough to know better than to ask that. When were you born? 1996? Little bitch.
Y - Year it is now: If you don't know this, then you are a stupid goddamned mother fucker, cause seriously, your little quiz here is not gonna last through the ages, bitch. Hell, I give it six months tops, and that's only cause it'll still be new to some 14-year old cocksucker in Tennessee in June when they're finished with their homeschooling for the year and finally allowed to go online.
Y - Yellow?: You calling me chicken? Say it to my face, fucker.

Z - Zoo Animal: Your mom.
Z - Zodiac: Your mom's a whore.
Z - Zoolander? Fuck off.

No more surveys for a while. Fuck.

Cheney Shot Someone!

2006-02-13T17:09:00.000-08:00

But I'm sick today, so I really don't have the energy to write about that. Or do much else. Ack.

So I'm posting another picture, this time of when The Storks played at Coachella back in 2002. I'm sure some of you have fond memories of that performance... I know I do.

Grammy Lifetime Achievement Award

2006-02-09T14:18:00.000-08:00

Witnessed last night on the Grammys:

Jenna Elfman/Jennifer Love Hewitt/Someone promoting their CBS network TV show comes up to the microphone, and reads from the teleprompter.

"Ned Silverman is one of our great legends. For the past 50 years, he has kept the hallways in the Recording Academy building spotless, the floor tiles glimmering, the toilets in the bathroom unclogged. He has worked night and day so that the dirty slobs of the Academy don't have to wallow in their own filth, which without him, would build up quickly, in a smelly fashion. And so, Ned Silverman is tonight, the recipient of a Grammy Lifetime Achievement Award."

Okay, so maybe that didn't exactly happen. But seriously, they were handing those things out like they were Halloween candy. Way to menialize something.

Not Much For Today.

2006-01-30T21:28:00.000-08:00

Seems my attempt at tricking the ad engine didn't work out so well... looks like the thing defaults to Hurricane Katrina fundraising when it's confused. Ah well.

In the meantime, I really don't have anything else to talk about today, so instead, here's a picture of Kevin Federline destroying a city with his fire-breathing powers while riding a giant duck.

Bots are funny.

2006-01-25T15:41:00.000-08:00

At least, the ones that decide what my advertisement box is gonna say are. For the most part, they've been bringing up ads for music downloads, 80's purchasables, etc.... stuff based on what I mostly write about, of course.

Then I write ONE blog with the word "porn" in it, and suddenly the ads are all about dating black Asians and shit.

So I'm curious to see what other words change things up a bit. Here's a quick list of things I want to see advertisements for:

Chicken Torso
Alfredo Garcia
Pumpkin Mutilation
Greeting Cards
Anne Frank
Titty Fucking
Quantum Physics
Geriatrics
Goat Milk
Bedwetting
Candied Bats
Used Vibrators
Shanice
Rumpelstiltskin
Lesbian Scat Videos
Bulgarian History
Cholera

Comment and let me know what ads come up for this stuff. I'm curious.

Random Thought

2006-01-22T21:24:00.000-08:00

You know what would really suck? Dating an incredibly hot chick in high school, but she never puts out cause she's not that kind of girl, and then a few years later, you're surfing porn on the internet, and suddenly you find pictures of her, and she's got two guys DPing her and a third one shooting a load into her mouth.

That would really suck.

This Week's Music Biz-tch: Where Are the Asians?

2006-01-21T19:59:00.000-08:00

FIrst, a disclaimer... the word "Biz-tch" in the title of this series of blogs is simply a combination of two other words, namely the word "biz," which is slang for any part of the entertainment industry (in this case music), and the word "bitch," which is what I'm doing when I write these things. Although it looks like it belongs in the same family of slang as words like "fo-schizzle" and "bling," it is not meant to be taken as such.

Now then, onto this week's "biz-tch."

The world of popular music is an incredibly diverse one. People of all races, religions, sexes and orientations populate it. There are blacks, whites, latins, jews, arabs, indians, and even canadians, all over the pop charts. And this leads me to my question: where the hell are the Asians?

Ask somebody to name a white pop star, it'll take them less than a second. Black, latin, the same. But I dare anybody to name me an Asian music star off the top of their heads.

Sure, there are Asians making music. Cibo Matto, for instance. Or Shonen Knife. Or if you want to be really nerdy about it, the 1-2-3-4's. Hell, JapPop is a style of music all to itself. And anime composers have legions of fans all over the globe.

But pray tell, what has been the highest chart topper for any of these people? How many of these groups have performed on TRL, or had their new video premiered on Entertainment Tonight? When was the last time an Asian had a number one record in the United States? Has there ever been a time?

As far as I'm aware, the closest an Asian has gotten to superstardom was the guitarist from Smashing Pumpkins. And he only got there because of a lame-assed white boy.

There are Asian movie stars aplenty. Asian writers all over the place. There are many Asian sports stars... hell, there's even an Asian basketball player, something ten years ago no one ever would have thought possible! Yet there are no Asian pop stars.

Unless you count William Hung. And if he's the biggest star the asian music community has thus far, god help them...

Music, Memories... Magic! (and some mirth)

2006-01-19T21:09:00.000-08:00

I was going to start a Myspace bulletin on this subject, but given that most albums and songs on this list have a backstory, I didn't feel justified just throwing the titles down all in a row. So here's the deal...

Almost everybody has some point in their lives where the memories are so warm, so fuzzy, or so godawfully bad, that certain things in the present will trigger them. Sometimes these memories are stimulated by something visual (you see someone walking down the street who looks like an ex, you remember your whole relationship with that person). Sometimes they're stimulated by a certain smell (god knows how many years of memories the smell of Disneyland water triggers).

Usually, what triggers these memories is music.

Unless of course, you're an evil souless robot with no pulse and an off-switch in your back. If this is the case, I pity you, and the humans that you devour for fuel.

What is it about certain albums and songs that makes them so powerful to bring the past back to life in such a way? Is it because they're so good, they form a synaptic connection within the brain? Or is it because they just happened to be on the radio at a certain time? Or is it just one of those things that has no answer?

I'm betting on that last one (see #6 and #10 for why the first answer is discredited).

Anyway, here's my list of albums and songs that trigger specific memories of times long past in my brain. As always, the comments board is open... feel free to leave your own memories there. As long as the answers don't amount to "haXXor H8 n00b p00pE" or something to that effect, I'll publish them.

And the winners are...

Air - Moon Safari. Between 1998-2000, I listened to this album constantly. I still listen to it quite often, and each time, it brings back a specific memory of driving back home from my job at the time, on a spring day in 1998, ready to get on the 5 freeway from Los Feliz Boulevard. It was a carefree time; I was working for money to spend, not yet having to worry about rent and bills and the other bullshit that adult life entails. Hell, most of my money was going towards buying CDs. This was one of them.
Pink Floyd - Meddle. Summer of 1994. I spent it part of it visiting my best friend in Chicago. I bought this album in a small record shop near her house on vinyl, and haven't stopped listening to it since. Except for when I'm listening to other albums. Or not listening to anything at all. Let's just say I listen to it often.
Sneaker Pimps - "Six Underground." Summer/Fall 1996. I was spending a lot of time with one of my best friends and his girlfriend (or was she his ex by then? I don't remember), and this song was constantly on the radio. Literally. Every time we hung out, someone would turn on the radio, and the song would be on. Then, it was slightly creepy. Now, it's a fond memory. Of creepiness.
Arcade Fire - "Lights Out." While I would list their full album, this one song in particular is where the real memory comes from; namely, Coachella 2005, and all the time surrounding it (within a year or so). Well, all the good time, anyway.
Orbital - The Middle Of Nowhere. 1999. From start to finish. I had a gorgeous girlfriend, money to burn, friends that cared about me, and a car I could go anywhere with. And this album was in that car all the time. Now... well, I still have some friends left somewhere.
Bobby Brown - "On Our Own." Summer of 1989. Hanging out with the kids from the neighborhood, at the house of whoever owned a Nintendo or had cable. Why is it that those kids never let anyone else play their Nintendos? Little bastards.
Doobie Brothers - "What A Fool Believes." I was two, and playing on a swingset or something to that effect, while my mother was talking to somebody inside a building, and the song was coming through the window to the outside. Don't know why this one stuck with me, it just did. Don't know why my mother left me unsupervised at that early of an age either, but that's not important for the purposes of this list.
Underworld - "Cowgirl." Back in 1996-98, I used to go to two clubs in Los Angeles almost every week, Perversion and Asylum. Every time we went, this song would be playing. And every time, the whole group I was there with would get up on the dancefloor. And then we'd go back to our table and smoke cigarettes, because at the time that was still legal. Good times.
Soundtrack - Main Street Electrical Parade. - Let me put it this way; if you know, you know. If you don't, you never will. Oh, and if you know from a young age... Pete's Dragon, blowing smoke from his nose. Yeah, that's right. We just shared a moment.
Pebbles - "Mercedes Boy." Summer of 1988. Playing with the other kids where we weren't supposed to, while the older kids watched MTV, and the music would fly out to where we were. Shit, I probably should have listed "Strangelove" by Depeche Mode instead, that's a much more respectable song, and was around at the same time. Although, I don't base my lovelife on whether a girl knows the lyrics to that one (now you know why I fell in love with the girl in #5, she was as much of a nerd as me, and hot to boot).

There are more, of course, but I figured ten was enough for now. Maybe I'll write a sequel to this at some point. Probably I won't, given that this blog entry wasn't particularly amusing. But hey, they can't all be roses. Well, at least not roses that squirt water. Although come to think of it, those haven't been funny since vaudeville died.

Anyway, leave your comments. I'm curious as to what goes on in all your strange little minds...

Why I'm A Nerd, Pt. 1

2006-01-18T23:38:00.000-08:00

It's very simple.

This is the game Kingdom Hearts.

This is the movie Tron.

This is me popping a boner.

This Week's Music Biz-tch: "The Flame"

2006-01-13T00:34:00.000-08:00

And no, I'm not talking about the cheesy-assed pop song by Duran Duran knock-off group Arcadia, I'm talkng about the cheesy-assed rock ballad by the once rockin' group Cheap Trick.

Well, I guess they were never really that rockin', aside from "I Want You To Want Me." I mean, "Dream Police" is ridiculously lame. And "Surrender..." well, that rocks out a bit. Kind of.

Okay, so except for their hit songs, they were rockin'. Whatever.

Regardless, in the late 80's, they had a comeback with a ballad called "The Flame." It's an exceptionally cliched song, in all honesty; it starts with an acoustic guitar being picked, and the lead vocalist singing quietly, emotionally, the tears welling in his eyes. But then during the bridge, he starts getting louder, and out pops the falsetto, and then it's time for the chorus, signalled by rising drums. And of course, as the chorus finishes out, the drums pound to climax. Let's see, how many rock ballads of the 80's followed this pattern? Hmm... all of them, I think.

Of course, let's not forget the guitar solo in the middle of the song, which basically does nothing except repeat the melody over heavy drums.

So you've got a mediocre ballad that uses all the cliches of the time period. Now the question is, why do I even care?

Answer: Because the song is FUCKING CATCHY!

I cannot get the damned song out of my head this week. It got so bad that I even had to sing it at karaoke one night. And even that didn't help. I downloaded it, burned it, it's part of my DJ collection now, in case I ever need a really bad late 80's prom song to amuse the drunks with late in the evening.

Why is it that the good music never gets stuck in one's head? No one ever finds a Wagner symphony embedded in their mind. It's rare that someone has an experimental Beatles tune floating around in their skull.

No, what we always end up getting impaled with are cheesy, catchy tunes that have nothing new to say, have no innovation or skill involved... they just repeat over and over, and continue repeating in our minds until sleep finally comes.

Perfect example: "Hollaback Girl." Goddamn you, Gwen Stefani.

And goddamn you, Cheap Trick.

For more information on cheesy-assed rock ballads that all follow the same formula, please see:

"Heaven" - Warrant
"Every Rose Has Its Thorn" - Poison
"Hysteria" - Def Leppard
"Is This Love" = Whitesnake
"Home Sweet Home" - Motley Crue (slight formula change in this one, as well as the following two)
"Sister Christian" - Night Ranger
"Open Arms" - Journey

What is that formula change, you ask? The last three songs start with a piano, instead of acoustic guitar. Real innovative.

"Imagine Me & You"...

2006-01-10T17:50:00.000-08:00

...is a movie coming out this year, about a bunch of English people trying to find true love, or something like that. Along the way, in typical English romantic comedy fashion, they make self-deprecative quips, and quaint one-liners back and forth to each other. There is a couple about to get married, but the woman starts falling for someone else... another woman! Hilarity ensues!

I don't give a shit about contrived romantic comedies... there's an audience for sap, and I'm more than happy to step aside while lovers of the "feel-good" movie eat that shit up. I also don't give a shit about bisexuality. She's gonna leave her man for a woman! How innovative! How original! It's genius! I can just imagine the writer sitting back in his chair after deciding to go with this spark of brilliance, chuckling and patting himself on the back in pure upper-class twit fashion. Asshole. That shit happens in real life all the time (although from my understanding, the roles are usually reversed... although I imagine modern audiences just aren't ready to see a man leave a woman for another man).

What I do give a shit about, what truly disturbs me, is a quick scene in the trailer for this movie. It's a scene where the two women are having a "girl's night out" or something, having fun, falling in love. What are they doing while this takes place?

THEY'RE PLAYING DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION!!!!

This movie is destined to suck balls.

Survey Time

2006-01-09T22:46:00.000-08:00

This time it's Erin's fault... damn you for posting a survey that actually has something more interesting to ask than "What's your favorite smell?"

1. Would you rather kill a puppy with your bare hands or make out with your father?
Depends... do I get to make out with the puppy before killing it? Because then I think my choice is obvious.

2. What would be worse for the world: One giant (approx. 30 feet tall), cybernetic Hitler, or if all food screamed when you ate it?
It really depends... I mean, first off, did Hitler ever kill anyone with his own hands? Sure, he ordered the mass genocide of millions of people, but I think he was too much of a pussy to pull the trigger himself. In which case, a giant cybernetic Hitler would basically be a very tall screaming machine (something Hitler was very good at doing). So then, you've got one single screaming giant cyborg, compared to all the food in the world screaming, so the food would obviously be worse. Now, if the food all screamed in different ways, that might just be entertaining enough to put it over. Plus, it would definitely open people up to sampling different cuisine.

3. Zombies become a very harsh reality. Sensing the ethical code society has instilled in you slipping away, you decide to start killing everything that moves with what weapon?
The obvious answer is "my cock," but I've overused that in many surveys (plus if one zombie took the old joke about a man's brain being in his pants seriously, that would really suck, no pun intended), so let's say... a CD gun like the one in that old game Revolution X. Now exactly what is this code that society's instilled in me saying I can't kill zombies? I don't think I ever learned that one.

4. When charging into battle, your war cry is?
I'd really like to say something cool and memorable here, like "Viva la revolution" or something, but the fact is, if I ever do charge into battle, I have a feeling the best I'll be able to muster up will be something like "Yaaaaaaahhh."

5. A temporal rift has opened up while you were in the bathroom and sucked you into the distant, distant past. Where do you pray to God that you don't end up?
Somewhere I can't get a decent cheese steak. Oh wait, I already live there. Fuck.

6. Ninjas vs. Pirates: Who wins? Defend your answer.
This is where I'm supposed to be all "in the know" and say something about how Ninjas are totally sweet and would explode a Pirate with their giant boner, right? And then I bet you want me to make a reference to "All your base are belong to us" or some shit like that. Fuck you, nerd.

7. It's your wedding day. However, the night before ants crawled into your head and drove you insane. what song is stuck in your head?
I'd imagine whatever the ants are singing at the time. "Goody Two Shoes," maybe? Yeah, that's just stupid. Forget it.

8. You're driving around and you see an Asian dude on a Kawasaki Ninja motorcycle with a sword strapped to his back. The first thought that comes to your mind is:
Michael Douglas is in trouble!

9. The Battle: A Pit Bull vs. A Pit Bull's body weight in ill-tempered weasels:
How ill-tempered are we talking about? Cause a pit bull really doesn't weigh all that much. Maybe five weasels, tops. They better be in a REALLY fucking bad mood.

10. A serious Dance-Dance Revolution accident leaves you with special powers. Unfortunately the powers aren't all that super. It seems that all you can do is:
Be really good at DDR. I mean, the game's fun, but christ, if you're gonna spend all your time getting good at something, maybe try like, finding cures for diseases or becoming a professional at something that'll earn you a shitload of money. Impressive to watch; totally useless in reality.

11. What alcohol do you drink when you absolutely want the whole world to know how much you hate everyone?
Shit, drinking alcohol makes me overly friendly. If I want everyone to know how much I hate them, I'll have some decaf coffee or something. They'll find out REAL fast.

12. You have sinned grossly against God and your country. Your punishment is to be eaten alive by one of God's creatures. Luckily, you get to pick what creature that is:
A blue whale, because there's a slim chance for survival. At least according to The Bible and Pinocchio.

13. In your most humble opinion, what do you feel is the most vile and savage swearword you can spew forth unto another person:
Bea Arthur.

14. You get to change the name of the state you are living in. You choose:
Maine II. We've already got a couple of "New" states, why not a sequel one? (oh, for Erin, "Californicate," to match her answer)

15. Which animal would totally eat you if it could?
Um... how the hell should I know? The ones that would eat me already have the ability, the ones that wouldn't, can't. Maybe there's some caterpillar out there that'd like a shot, I don't know. Dumb fucking question.

16. Sexiest number between 1 and 10:
Six, because of its translation in German. Of course, the Germans' ideas of sexy are kind of fucked up... hmm. Maybe not six.

17. You are carrying your drink back from the bar when you accidentally run into this girl, spilling your drink on her. She's being a total bitch about it but, c'mon, it was totally just an accident. Her boyfriend subsequently challenges you to fisticuffs. Name two friends you'd want on your side in a fight:
Chuck Norris and Jean Claude Van-Damme. I mean, they're not my real friends, but I'd sure want them to be in this case, just for the sheer awesome flurry of splits and high kicks that would occur. And waiting at the door when the boyfriend runs... Gil Gerard.

18. If you could, what historical figure would you totally like to peg in the junk with a brick? Don't say Hitler, you uncreative POS:
Fine, how about Jesus? Just when he was on the cross though. And right as he was lifting his head to say that "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me" line. Just to add insult to injury. Hell, we could make a game, a brick in the nuts each time he lifted his head to say that line. Cause you know he's gotta get it out. That creative enough for you?

19. What would it cost to make you willingly and knowingly contract pubic lice?
Depends on the girl. I mean, lice are one of those things that can easily be gotten rid of, right? It's not like you're saying "contract AIDS" or something. So like, if Angelina Jolie came up to me one day, and said "I want to fuck your brains out, but I have lice," I think I could give her a freebie. Hell, I'd even spring for the cost of whatever topical cream I needed after to kill the fuckers.

20. Think of the grossest name a strip club could possibly have:
It's a tie between the Spearmint Gyno and Bob's Classy Leper.

This Week's Music Biz-tch: "Take My Breath Away"

2006-01-05T03:01:00.000-08:00

Berlin used to be one of the top new wave band of the 80’s. Everybody knew their songs, everybody still knows their songs. People sing along to them on the radio, they dance to them in the clubs.

"Sex (I’m A...)."

"The Metro."

"No More Words."

Okay, maybe most people don't know much beyond that, but there is one more they know.

In 1986, at the height of their popularity, Berlin were approached to perform a song for a new action movie coming to theaters that summer, starring a bunch of little known actors, with an outlandish plot about a flight school student and his Mrs. Robinson complex. The song, featured during a love scene which did little to tantalize the audience (unless they had a severe tongue fetish), was "Take My Breath Away."

The movie ended up being a surprise hit, but even more astoundingly, so did the soundtrack. Sure, people had gotten over the cheese of Loggins & Messina, and were willing to accept Kenny Loggins as a rock star singing "Danger Zone," but that song wasn't why they bought the album. They bought it for Berlin, and "Take My Breath Away" propelled them to superstardom. But there was a massive cross to bear.

Suddenly, Berlin were beyond new wave, they were even beyond the top 40; they had become easy listening. By performing a cheesy ballad that wasn’t even written by them, Berlin became synonymous on the radio with bands such as Air Supply, and singers like Christopher Cross. They alienated their original fanbase, and the band finally disintegrated, as they were so disgusted by their own selling out that they couldn’t possibly continue.

To add insult to injury, 13 years later Jessica Simpson decided to cover the song, and somehow made it even worse than it originally was. Unfortunately this time, the song was not a career killer, and ended up once again being a hit (this turn of events has been seen by many people the world over as proof that there is no God).

So now, Jessica Simpson continues to make top-selling crappy music, and Berlin’s latest achievement was an episode of VH1’s Bands Reunited. All because of one stupid ballad. And really awful tongue-kissing.

For Those Who Had A Bad Christmas...

2006-01-05T02:54:00.000-08:00

...just be happy you didn't have to spend it listening to this guy sing.

Make sure to listen to the clip all the way through... just when you think it can't get any worse... yeah.

(Thanks to Steve at The Sneeze for this one.)

2005: A Week In Review

2005-12-31T14:10:00.000-08:00

Now is the time of year where every person in the world must come with a "Best" and "Worst" of 2005 review, because if we don't, by law we are bound to be dropped into a pit filled with rabid kittens and angry flowers and insecurity. So here's my contribution...

BEST OF 2005

Karaoke. - Yeah, it's kind of a lame thing to put at the top of this list, but how many great experiences have I had this year spent at Koji's, or Skyebox, or Bigfoot Lodge, or in the later part of the year, Dave's? Quite a few. Good times, good people, and a good chance to feed my own ego when I'm in front of the mic.
Coachella 2005. - For more information, see Appendix A.
Pink Floyd Reuniting at Live 8. - For more information, see Appendix B.
Disneyland's 50th Anniversary. - Twice I went this past year, twice I had the time of my life. And damn, if that fireworks show wasn't fuckin' awesome. Although I still hate those Fastpass lines... but as that was started a couple years back, I can't bitch about them here. Maybe in a future blog.
Star Wars Episode III. - For more information, see Appendix C.
Michelle's Halloween Party. - A great time was had by all, especially by me, as I got the opportunity to put together a Halloween-themed DJ set, and got back in touch with two good friends, one of whom the reunion with was 8 years in the making.
My Halloween Costume. - It was a last minute entry (I was originally gonna be Michael Hutchence, but my hair wouldn't grow long enough in time), but I think it worked pretty well. I mean, Jesus, minus the sunken cheekbones from years of drug use, I fuckin' looked like Dave Gahan! At least until that asshole spilled red wine on my white jeans the second night of costuming...
I beat GTA: San Andreas at 100% Completion. - Yeah, I know that's a really lame entry, but frankly, I'm running out of shit to put in this best of column, so I'm using whatever I can. And hey, the time and effort taken to accomplish such a feat says something (other than I probably could've written two screenplays in the amount of time I spent fucking around with that game). Besides, now I get to create another Appendix (D).
I regained my muse. - Yes, I finally started writing for real again, and had stories and creative ideas return to my brain. Which of course leads me to my first New Year's resolution... stop being fucking lazy and spend more than two hours a week actually doing something about it.
I'm still alive. - I don't know if the rest of you care about that, but I'm kinda happy about it.

And now...

WORST OF 2005

World peace not happening again. - Jesus Christ, people, you've had like 14,000 years to figure it out already. Seriously, I'm very disappointed.
I'm not rich and famous yet. - Why did this not happen yet this past year? I'm overdue.
Republicans. - Not all Republicans, just the ones in high office. Aside from the indictments, the illegal activity, the closed-door sessions, what else have they contributed? Oh yeah. A bridge in Alaska that goes nowhere, and legislation to drill for oil in a wildlife reserve. Way to have a mandate.
The Los Angeles Dodgers. - It's always horrible to see your favorite team have a losing season... but to see them drop so far after making it to the playoffs the year before was just heartbreaking. And then to see the fairweather fans of LA turn to Anaheim for solace... those commie bastards. Hopefully now that the new GM's been making a team comprised of Red Sox and Giants castaways, we'll have a good chance this year.
Star Wars ending. - And with it, my childhood (I saw the first movie at Grauman's Chinese Theater when I was four months old, the last I saw at the Cineramadome at the age of 27, so I'm quite serious about the saga being a huge part of my formative years). Sigh... I suppose its time to grow up now. Or maybe I'll wait for the 3-D theatrical releases first. Oh, and then there's the upcoming TV series... so I'll grow up when I'm 40-something. Nothing wrong with that.
Organized Religion. - Sorry guys, but when your biggest evangelical churches are putting more energy into trying to ban gay marriage, outlaw abortion, and suing people for saying "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas," as opposed to allowing gays to be ministers, adopting unwanted children, and helping the poor eat during the holidays, there's something VERY very wrong.
MTV's coverage of Live 8. - For more information, see Appendix B.
Drinking. - Those of you that know why, know why. Those of you that don't, don't need to know why.
That Hill Street Blues meets Shirt Tales video. - Yeah, I know it's something that happened in 1985, but I only saw it this year, and considering how much it disturbed my mental state, I think it's important to mention it. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, go here.
People who create "best and worst" lists. - Really, what is this need to categorize things? It's stupid, it's lame, and it's a bloody waste of time. Well, except when that Mr. Blackwell does it. He's dreamy.

That's it. Hope you all have a great New Year's Eve... why most of us like starting the new year with a hangover, I don't know, but hey, it's a good time.

2005 Appendix D: Things I learned from GTA: San Andreas (V2.0)

2005-12-31T14:05:00.000-08:00

Taken from Damian's Myspace blog, 05 Jul 05 Tuesday:

So I finally finished playing GTA: San Andreas this weekend, after months and months of time spent on it, running through every single mission and side mission, completing every goal, doing every possible thing that I could in that game. A couple hundred hours of gametime later, I finally finished. And I learned some valuable life lessons as well.

- As long as one isn't in the direct eyeline of a police officer, one can pretty much commit any illegal act of violence without them noticing.

- Pedestrians run in terror from low-flying helicopters, but the idea of a man landing two feet away from them in a jetpack doesn't bother them much at all.

- When street gangs attack you, they will always come after you in three waves, each successive wave with more members than the group proceeding. Luckily, you'll usually be able to find a kevlar vest lying on the street for protection.

- If a police officer sees you attempting anything illegal, he will try to murder you. If you do multiple illegal things, sooner or later the National Guard will be called upon, and they'll send tanks after you. However, if you go home immediately afterwards and take a nap, they'll forgive you and completely forget any wrongdoings.

- It is possible to carry on your person a rocket launcher, minigun, sniper rifle, mutiple assault rifles, a shotgun, a handgun, an explosive device, a blunt or sharp instrument, thermal goggles, and a double-sided dildo. However, carrying a knife and a golf club at the same time is completely out of the question.

- Apparently, the rooftop of a Compton-styled slum house can support the weight of a Harrier jet.

- Falling 800 feet through the air is a painful experience that will most likely kill you. However, doing the same thing on a motorcycle not only insures safety, but also earns you money.

- The owners of skyscrapers like to leave parachutes on top of their buildings, just in case a basejumper makes it up to the top, only to realize they've forgotten theirs.

- No matter how many times you flip a car, it will always keep going if it lands right side up. However, if you land on the side or upsidedown, you've got about eight seconds before the vehicle explodes and kills you.

- Women like to be given flowers on dates, but if you give them a vibrator, they'll be much more appreciative.

- The sight of a man swimming while wearing a three-piece suit doesn't seem to bother people.

- People in rural communities can't seem to get enough of hot dog vendors, especially when they come around in Oscar Mayer Weiner trucks.

- All fast food chains serve salad.

- Eating oysters increases your chances at the roulette table.

- When a city decides to riot, even if you're the head of the neighborhood gang, you can walk straight through a group of people looting, burning buildings, and shooting police officers, and they'll pay no attention to you. Unless of course you decide to chase after a crooked cop, in which case they'll routinely firebomb your car.

- Sneaking up behind people and garroting them with a knife is a lot of fun, especially when you do it on the beach in broad daylight with dozens of witnesses around.

- Police seem to have about as much luck finding their brakes as Rex does on Star Tours.

- no one seems to mind a tubby black guy, covered in tats with a huge afro, running around in his boxers.

I lied before, there's not much more that I learned. Well, there's a little more, but I'm too tired right now to think of it, so we'll save it for later.

2005 Appendix C: A Star Wars review (NO SPOILERS)...

2005-12-31T13:35:00.000-08:00

Taken from Damian's Myspace Blog, 20 May 05 Friday:

...I promise. Besides, everyone's heard already about the return of Qui-Gon's ghost, right? Oh.

Oops.

And now, here's the final version of my ROTS blog, which I so rudely cut short Friday morning. And as I will keep this spoiler-free, I imagine it'll be the shortest blog I'll ever write (not bloody likely!). Here goes...

In a word? Fun. Heartbreaking. Well, that's two words technically, but since I can't describe ROTS in any other fashion, it'll have to do. In answer to everyone's questions...

Yes, Lucas redeemed himself.

Yes, there are still a couple scenes with clunky dialogue and bad acting.

Yes, the effects are incredible, and more amazing than the last two combined.

Yes, Hayden Christiansen is at his best when he plays anger.

Yes, Ian McDiarmid is insanely awesome in his role as the Emperor, and finally gets to play the character as an evil mother fucker.

Yes, Mace Windu gets taken out in an awesome way.

Yes, Yoda kicks some serious ass (in one scene in particular, his entrance alone is worthy of loud cheers).

Yes, General Grievous was cooler in the Clone Wars series.

Yes, the first ten minutes are probably the most amazing battle scene ever put on film.

Yes, the final minutes will bring tears to the eyes of anyone who's been a fan of these movies as long as I have (all my life, basically).

Yes, the destruction of the Jedi Order (we all knew it was coming, no spoilers here) is absolutely heart-wrenching.

Yes, there are cameos by characters from the original trilogy (and no, Han Solo and Mon Mothma aren't them). Addendum - Mon Mothma does appear in deleted scenes on the DVD.

Yes, the Millennium Falcon does make an appearance (or a YT-1300, at least... look for it in one of the first shots of the Senate building).

And yes, Virginia... there is a Santa Claus.

So, as mentioned in one of the responses to my earlier version of this blog, did I like the movie? Yes, I did. I won't be one of those fanboys who jumps out and says "it's the best one ever," but it definitely comes close (IV and V still beat it, in my opinion).

And I guess that's all I have to say about that. I'll be happy to discuss it however, with anybody, as soon as they've seen it. No spoilers here, after all.

2005 Appendix A: My Coachella Review

2005-12-31T02:38:00.000-08:00

Taken from Damian's Myspace blog, 04 May 05 Wednesday:

All right, I wasn't gonna write a Coachella review, seeing as how Eddie beat me to the punch; but since I'm just hanging out at home this evening, I might as well...

So, Friday started with some good GTA San Andreas action, as I'd decided to take the day off work and rest a bit before the long weekend ahead. Of course, during that rest time, I hadn't showered or eaten, so I was scurrying around quite a bit when Eddie stopped by.

We'd decided to go see Hitchhiker's Guide To the Galaxy before leaving, and so while I was nuking something for lunch, we checked out the showtimes, and sure enough, there was a show ten minutes away from starting at the theater near my apartment. So off we went, leaving my food in the microwave, to see the movie.After grabbing a hot dog to satisfy a bit of my hunger pangs, we went into the theater. SIDE MOVIE REVIEW:

First off... PEOPLE, I AM NOT MARVIN! Yeah, I know he's incredibly depressive, and pessimistic, and blah blah blah... okay, I know I have an Eeyore complex, sure. But I'm not THAT bad!

Well, maybe sometimes.

Anyway, the movie was enjoyable, although I wished it had stuck a little closer to the book in some places... for one, I thought the love story between Trillian and Arthur was incredibly forced and unnecessary. Keeping their relationship conflicted worked much better (okay, so that's a Marvin thing to say, shut up). I also wasn't a huge fan of the subplot with the point-of-view gun, but hey, I guess if Adams wrote it, I have to accept it.

The scene with the whale becoming self-aware, however, was genius (not very Marvin there, huh?).

After the movie, we went back to my apartment, I finished nuking my estranged food, had a slight dinner, and left for Palm Springs.

Two hours later, we arrived and checked into our hotel (the Riviera of all places... we didn't quite have a Rat Pack suite, but it was a nice room nonetheless). We decided to try some of the local cuisine (I was still hungry), and with that, headed to a nearby Denny's.

Upon finishing dinner, we headed to the motel our friends Maria and Mikko were staying at, to meet up with them and have a couple drinks. Eddie seemed very determined to get there right away, and got very frustrated when we got a little lost on the way (it wasn't until we got there that I found out that it wasn't his brain getting frustrated, merely his bowels). After Eddie relieved himself, we hung out for a while, then walked down the street to get some more alcohol to bring back to the room.

As we walked, I glanced into a local bar, and noticed a Bud Light sign with a rainbow around it. This struck me as quite odd, so of course in a loud voice, I said, "Wow, that Bud Light sign's really gay."

It was then that Mikko informed me that Palm Springs has an incredibly large gay community.

Needless to say, I was a wee bit embarrassed... I had always thought the town was mostly old people (but now that I think about it, that's how I've always felt about Miami as well). Then we passed a store called Gay Mart USA, where even the mannequins had limp wrists, and I was very embarrassed.

We reached the store, bought our alcohol, went back to their room, and hung out some more; then Eddie and I went back to the Riviera and crashed for the night.

The next morning, I decided to use the workout room before we left. After bringing down hell upon my upper body, I returned to the room, showered and had a cup of coffee while Eddie followed suit. We left for the Polo Grounds at about 12 noon.

Amazingly enough, we were in the festival before 2pm... whoever was in charge of parking this year did a fantastic job, and the line to get in was spread out enough that we barely had much wait time at all. After walking around a tiny bit (and picking up our passes to the Urb after party... more on that later), we headed over to watch K-Os in the Gobi tent.

I wouldn't call his set extraordinary, but it was definitely good (and he did a great job on the fly when his keyboard wasn't working, stripping him of who knows how many songs in his set). From there we went to check out a little of Ambulance Ltd. at the Mojave tent. While I enjoy their music on recordings, they seemed to be a bit messy live... it didn't help that the overall sound in the tent was very tinny (too much high end sound and so forth).

After three songs, we headed over to see Eisley, who I'd been listening to for the last month or so. As Eddie already described them quite well in his blog, I'll just say that I enjoyed the hell out of their set, and enjoyed them just as much (they did a great job joking around about their sound issues, and kept the audience entertained as they tried to rectify the situation). I'll also mention that I felt a bit misty when they performed "Lost At Sea" (by far my favorite song on their album).

From there it was over to Immortal Technique, who is hands down the best rapper I've heard in a very long time. The man pulls no punches, whether he's rapping about religion, politics, the recording industry, or just plain talking smack. By the end of his set, he had the entire crowd erupting with cries of "Viva La Revolution!" If he someday decides to take on the establishment, I'm sure there will be plenty of people following him.

And then it was time to eat. Chicken strips for Eddie, a fajita for me. Moving on...

We hit the Sahara tent to check out Unkle... James Lavelle was playing a DJ set, which, while entertaining, wasn't exactly what we'd been hoping for. So we headed over to check out Cafe Tacuba, and to meet back up with Maria and Mikko.

I can understand how some people love Cafe Tacuba, they've got great energy, and presence. I'm just not into their style of music, frankly. It reminds me too much of the Banta music my neighbors used to wake me up with on Saturday mornings (although at least Tacuba's doesn't include an accordion). The four of us headed into the nearby beer garden, meeting one of Mikko's friends there.

DRUNK CHICK 1: As we sat there, drinking beer and listening to the strains of Weezer coming from the main stage, a cute blonde came up and asked me for a cigarette. I, of course, am never one to refuse a pretty face, so I happily gave one to her, and to her friend (they were with another friend, but she didn't smoke, so I didn't feel right handing one to her). In return, they gave me a green and white balloon hat that someone had made for them.

Upon further inquiry, I found that it wasn't actually a hat, but a representation of anal beads. Being a bit buzzed myself, I was quite happy to put them on my head regardless. I thanked them, and then we left to see Bauhaus.

Now, I love listening to Bauhaus, and hearing Bela Lugosi Is Dead while the singer was hanging upsidedown was a rare treat. But halfway through the set, I felt it was time to leave, for two reasons: one, that kind of music is very dark and introverted, and it just felt weird listening to it come from a huge stage surrounded by thousands of screaming people; two, I had to pee so bad that my bladder felt like it had taken over my entire torso, and was threatening to erupt like a chestburster out of my body.

Luckily, I wasn't the only one to feel this way, and so after a quick stop at the port-o-potties (I pray to god that when I die, there's some feeling in the afterlife as good as relieving a full bladder), we went back to the beer tent. Once I saw that the drunk girls were nowhere in sight, I rid myself of the anal bead balloons, Eddie and I bid farewell to our friends, and we headed to the Sahara tent to catch Chemical Brothers.

As always, the Brothers put on a great set. Unfortunately, our enjoyment of it was to be shortlived, as we had to get in line for the Urb after party.

The line for the party was right by the Sahara tent, so as we waited, we were afforded the cruel pleasure of listening to the rest of Chemical's incredible show.

When their set ended, the strains of Coldplay wafted through the air from the main stage. This, allowed me to make the remark, "Oh great, more Coldplay." I was immediately reminded of the rabidness of fans, as a very cute British girl whom Eddie and I'd just been having fun banter with suddenly turned cold on me, asking "What's wrong with Coldplay," icicles forming on her lips.

"Nothing," I said stupidly. "They're just... sad."

"They're not sad," she replied, daggers firing from her eyes. Eddie tried to help me backtrack, explaining that I meant melancholy, wistful. But she would have none of it, and turned her back.

So we continued to wait. And wait.

As we waited, we saw that some people were getting through the gate, yet most of us were being held back. Finally, we found that apparently, there'd been a mixup earlier in the day, and while most of us had been given drink coaster looking cards, other people had been given rainbow wristbands, and they were the ones getting in.

After a while, someone came out and explained the problem to security, who started letting us in a group at a time. This of course led to mob violence, and after being smashed into the fence a couple times, Eddie and I finally popped through the gate, thanks to the people behind us shoving forward.

We made it over to the building the party was in, and upon entering, found what amounted to a churchgroup gathering (the difference being two Audis parked inside the main room, and hard alcohol being served... for cash).

Eddie and I walked around the party, trying to find what existed there to grant it that name.

DRUNK CHICK 2: As I stopped to glance around the main room, a girl stumbled up to me and asked if I had a phone. When I said I did, she stared at me, stumbling again. I asked her if she wanted to use it, and she nodded in a fashion. I pulled out my phone and handed it to her.

Standing way too close to me, she started punching in numbers, but couldn't quite seem to grasp how a phone was supposed to work. So, after dialing the last number I called and my voicemail, she was finally able to call her friends... at least I think she did. She was talking to someone, anyway.

I got my phone back from her, and after mumbling something about having to "go over there," I walked off with Eddie into the other room, where we sat for a while, him checking out the Urb magazines piled on the table in front of us, me having a drink and checking out the people around us.

DRUNK CHICK 3: One of the party workers (a very nice guy, by the way, I don't blame him at all for the party sucking) was talking to a very cute girl, who pulled out a cigarette. I then pulled out my lighter; I mean, what good's a deadly habit if you can't use it to meet women?

She said something to me, and after thinking for a moment, I realized that I had no idea what had come out of her mouth. So I asked her what she said, and she mumbled again. At this point I realized that not only was she ridiculously shit-faced drunk, but she also had a thick accent that, coupled with slurring, was impenetrable.

After a while, we were able to converse a bit with her (Eddie was able to find out she was from Northern England, although she could have been speaking Swahili for as much as I could understand). This conversation ended in us figuring out she wanted to sit, and her passing out on the table once she did.

Eddie and I left after I finished my last drink, and after a couple tries at leaving the grounds (plus another run-in with Drunk Chick 2), we finally made it back to the car, and Eddie drove us back to the hotel.

Once we got back, Eddie decided to rest, and I decided to hit the hotel jacuzzi, in order to sooth my aching muscles (the workout room from that morning, plus walking around and dancing all day, had taken a lot out of me).

I soon found I wasn't the only one with that idea, as when I reached the jacuzzi, I found two rather heavyset women and a chunky man sitting around it, not even in the water. I asked if I was interrupting anything, but they said no, so I sat down in the jacuzzi and relaxed.

I soon came to the realization that they were neither talking nor getting in, but just staring at me. I again asked if I was interrupting, and they again said no, so I figured fuck it, I don't care, I just want to relax.

After a few minutes, they walked off, leaving me to think two things; either one, they'd just peed in the jacuzzi, which I didn't care about anyway, as it didn't smell, and the chlorine would have killed any germs immediately; or two, that I'd interrupted what was about to become a late-night fatty threesome. As far as I could gather, it looked like the second thought was more accurate, so I decided I'd done the world a favor, and continued to relax.

After a short while, another guy came out and entered the jacuzzi. We had a nice conversation about the festival that day, and who we planned to see the next day, and then it was off to bed.

Seven hours of Eddie and I waking up and telling the other to quit snoring later, it was time to get out of bed, and hit the festival all over again. A quick stop for munchies at AM/PM, and we were on our way.

After even less traffic and less line to get in, we were walking around the festival grounds, earlier than we'd thought possible. Since Diplo (the first act we were there to see) hadn't started yet, we headed over to the main stage to catch a bit of Gram Rabbit.

Not only were they a good act, but they had the best marketing ploy I'd seen from any band in years, as evidenced by the ears attached to my head in my current profile picture (and now you know the whole story). We enjoyed them for a few songs, and then it was off to Diplo.

I had been hoping Diplo would be playing more of his original material, but he seemed to be playing mostly DJ set stuff (including some of the tracks he'd remixed with M.I.A., which were great). He also had a VJ thing going on, with different clips playing on the screens in time to his music. Well, kind of in time. I'm sure he'll get better with it.

From there we headed over to Autolux for a few songs... they were good, but had the same problem as Ambulance Ltd. from the day before. So we quickly walked over to Jem.

Now I love Jem's album. I think it's great. Live, however, she was a different story. Cute as a button, but bland and boring. On a Disney Channel special coming to you live from Pleasure Island at Walt Disney World, she would have been fantastic; but at Coachella... well, when we met up with our friend Gabby and her friend Eddy (whom we'd met a while back through other accquaintances, small world... and his name is Edd"ie," but I'm using a "y" to differenciate), we were more than happy to walk over to the food tents and grab some lunch.

I had a very yummy burrito, Eddie had... well hell, I can't remember (I only remember the chicken strips from the day before because he couldn't shut up about how great they were, and I'm still jealous). But moving on.

Edd"y" left to hit the VIP tent, and Gabby went with us over to see M.I.A. I hadn't known much about M.I.A. until the night before, but I was floored by her. Sexy as hell, a great performer, and a rhyme sensibility that sounded like there should be a group of kids playing double dutch near her at all times. She was awesome, and the whole crowd knew it.

Gabby left us for the VIP tent at that point, and Eddie and I headed back to the Outdoor Stage to catch Tegan and Sara, who I'd been in love with for the last couple months. They did not disappoint, doing a whole bunch of songs from their latest album, plus a few older favorites. The audience seemed to be getting into them too, as evidenced by the eruption of cheers when they finally played "Walking With A Ghost" (their current radio hit, if you can call an indy song that).

As much as I would have loved to check out Gang of Four on the main stage then, I had to stay at the Outdoor Stage, because next up was the band I'd been waiting the whole weekend to see... The Arcade Fire.

Eddie and I took the time to move ourselves up to the front of the stage, and it was well worth it, as we were about to see probably the greatest live act to come along in god only knows how many years (I'll try not to repeat Eddie's blog in my take on them).

As good as their recorded music is, none of it even REMOTELY compares to hearing it performed live, to seeing it be performed by an amazingly talented group of musicians that deserve every ounce of fame they get. They put their heart and soul and blood and sweat and tears (and I'm not kidding about the last three, there seriously was blood, as well as sweat and tears) into every note they play, and the end result is nothing short of magical.

The first song they played, there were a decent amount of people crowded around the stage... by the last song, at least HALF of the festival was standing behind us, dancing and singing along to the music. And when it was over, I knew, at least by judging the emotions and reactions of all standing around me, that every one of them realized that they'd just witnessed something special. Something that will be remembered for years to come. Something that, when people ask years later what the defining moment was in this band's career, will be looked upon as the point where they graduated from a well-thought of indy band, to true stars in the music world. It's a performance I'll never forget.

After it was done (and the awe had worn off), I called my ex-girlfriend Sarah (who was there at the festival) to see if she'd seen the performance. She unfortunately hadn't, but the phonecall gave me and Eddie the chance to meet up with her and her friend Ebony for a bite to eat, and to tell them all about it.

We exchanged our day's experiences, and then Eddie and I ventured over to the main stage, where New Order were finishing up their set.

I love New Order, but frankly, their set was boring, to say the least. Of course, anything following Arcade Fire would be... but they weren't even trying. The lead singer had a bum leg, but still, a tiny bit of energy would have been nice.Once they finished, Eddie and I worked our way into the crowd, waiting to see Nine Inch Nails perform. We only made it halfway through, as Eddie didn't want to get too smashed, and neither of us wanted to even attempt getting close to the front... we'd heard enough horror stories of people getting trampled by moshers in years past to stay away from there (although the worst stories I heard dealt with Bjork fans, of all people... but that's for another time).

Luckily, we found a very nice spot in the crowd, and quickly started making conversation with people, especially two guys named Pete and a woman whose name escapes me at the moment (she was one of the Pete's wife, and a very lovely lady at that). During the set change, video feed from the Robochrist exhibit came up on the big screens surrounding the stage, and we all had a great time joking about it, waiting for Robochrist to annihilate the giant baby that had been built specifically for that reason (see my pictures for more on the baby).

Every so often, a few people decided to push through us; we all realized that for some reason, no matter what crowd we're in, the traffic lanes always seem to go through exactly where we're standing. Strangest thing.

Eddie sat at one point, and almost got his hand stomped by a couple of rabid Trent fans trying to get through. Luckily, he got his hand out just in time, and stood up, only to get a quick apology and then pushed as they moved through. He quickly said, "Careful, there's a bag down there," praying that they wouldn't stomp on his backpack.

They said "thanks," and moved around it.At that point, I remarked, "Careful, there's a baby down there," eliciting a scream and a leap in the air from one of the Trent fans. We all had a great laugh about that, and then the show started.

Nine Inch Nails has always been, and hopefully always will be, a great show. Trent is nothing but energy, and his backing band is nothing but the same. They performed a perfect mix of old and new, and left me completely satisfied. And when it was done, it was off to Prodigy.

Again, Eddie said a lot about Prodigy's show in his blog, so I'll leave it at this; I didn't think I had any energy left, but when they started, my third, fourth and fifth winds all hit me at once, and I was a non-stop dancing machine, doing breakbeat styles that I hadn't done in years. My legs hated me, and my lungs wanted to explode, but god, it was worth it.

Once they finished, Eddie and I hobbled back to his car, and after a small amount of exit traffic, were on the freeway, on our way to... In N' Out! Nothing like a good meal after a long day. We got our food from the drive-thru, and then the shoes came off, and we were on our way home.

I slept most of the way, so I wasn't privy to Eddie seeing Ludacris's forehead in his delusional state (and frankly I'm happy I wasn't, I probably would have been scared shitless then). And once home, I went right to my bed and slept for god only knows how many hours, woke up sore the next day, but feeling great regardless, and wishing the weekend could have kept going.

But that's what next year's for.

So, there's my report, and now here's my pictures.

No pics, sorry... this is an old blog, after all.

2005 Appendix B: Another reason to hate MTV (and love Pink Floyd)

2005-12-30T21:20:00.000-08:00

Taken from Damian's Myspace blog, 02 Jul 05 Saturday:

Right now, Sting is performing live at Live 8, a great rendition of "Every Breath You Take," the lyrics changed to reflect the G8 summit. MTV shows about two minutes of the song... then cuts to go to a pre-taped piece explaining the whole reason this concert exists.
Now, I have no problem with showing that tape, it's good to inform MTV viewers what the real reason is behind this spectacle today. But christ, you couldn't wait 2 MORE MINUTES?! Is the attention span of the latest generation that ridiculously short that they can't listen to one song in it's entirety?!
It's seeming to be a pretty good bet that MTV will actually be showing Pink Floyd's performance, as amazingly enough, the VJs have been mentioning it all day, and for MTV to even make note of a band that's over five years old is pretty suprising (where was the coverage for Def Leppard, A-Ha, Roxy Music, Duran Duran... ELTON JOHN?! at least they're giving Bon Jovi a 30 second recap).
However, if they cut during Floyd's performance, this one-time only event that's been 23 years in the making... well, I know where the west coast MTV building is, and I know how to make firebombs.
I never thought I would ever say this, and I feel dirty for doing so... but thank god for AOL. They've had the live feed from every stage the entire day. It's fantastic. And exactly what MTV/VH1 should be doing, they've got 8 cable channels, why not simulcast from each stage? Philly and London on the basic cable channels, the other stages on the digital tier (from who's played in Berlin so far, they'd be perfect for VH1 Classic).
Maybe in another 20 years they'll get it right. Now, where's that kerosene...
Addendum: Something I forgot to mention on my bulletin of this blog... MTV/VH1 is broadcasting with commercial breaks. At least 15-20 minutes of commercials per hour, to my estimate.
I don't know, maybe I'm just being a little too rough on them... but, I don't know, considering this is a FREE worldwide concert event that's being produced to make a POLITICAL STATEMENT and there is NO PROFIT being made from this venture...
...isn't it just a little, well, ridiculously horrible of MTV/VH1 to sell advertising time during this broadcast? Doesn't that make them just, I don't know, disgusting coporate whores, making money off a non-profit event designed to raise awareness of world poverty?
I really don't have anything to follow that with. There's no joke to be made.
2nd Addendum: Well, Pink Floyd has played. And I'll give MTV a 20% kudo for it, they started broadcasting right as the heartbeat started pumping through Hyde Park. They stayed put for all four songs that Floyd played, and god, it was amazing seeing them back together and complete... before playing "Wish You Were Here," Roger even took a moment to throw a shoutout to Syd. Then seeing them perform it together, Roger and David singing together again... words can't describe it. I can only pray they'll do one more tour together before calling it quits for good.
Words, however, can describe the fucking COCKSUCKING IDIOT ASSHOLES at MTV, who decided to let the VJs start talking during "Comfortably Numb" (during the SECOND VERSE, no less!). And then they say they're cutting to yet another commercial break, only to go back to the stage for the last guitar solo of the song, then AGAIN cut out before the song finishes! So I run upstairs to the webcast, and see that there was less than 30 seconds of the song left before they cut to commercial.
Hence why they only get a 20% kudo, because that last fuck-up cost them an 80% that I took and shat upon before setting fire to it and stomping on the ashes.
Anyway, this blog's done... Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney are playing (sadly at the same time, it's so difficult to decide which to choose), and I've got the rest of a webcast to watch. I think I've gotta go with Sir Paul though... as he's currently leading the crowd in a sing-along of "Hey Jude," and all of today's performers are onstage with him.
Oh, and one more thing... FUCK MTV.

This Week's Music Biz-tch: Dolores O'Riordan

2005-12-27T02:00:00.000-08:00

I've decided to start ongoing categories of things I get a strange urge to rant about. Why, I don't know... probably because it's late. Or maybe because I feel like it. Who knows... (if you do, please tell me, cause really, I'm at a loss)

In 1992, the Cranberries were introduced to mainland America, and with them came the breathy voice of their lead singer, Dolores O’Riordan. Now at times a breathy voice can be very attractive and sexy; I was on the phone just last night with a woman who had an incredibly breathy voice, and it drove me absolutely wild. It’s a shame I had to pay $5.99 a minute to hear it.

Dolores, on the other hand, has a voice so breathy that it leads one to hyperventilation. When she sings "Dreams," I find myself feeling as if I’ve just run a marathon while chain smoking cigarettes. There’s no amount of Powerade that can bring the strength back into my system; I’m having a full-on asthma attack, my lungs not able to hold air in for more than a second at best.

Sometimes Dolores will use her powerful voice though, as evidenced in the hit single off of the Cranberries’ second album, "Zombie." Unfortunately, that so-called powerful voice is nothing but an 80’s cliché; that is, singing strong, but voicing certain notes as if she’s a pubescent male, her voice cracking on high notes that her non-existent Adam’s apple just can’t get around.

Admittedly, this voice crack can be enjoyable, as when Howard Jones did it, or Simon Lebon from Duran Duran used it for emotional purposes. Of course, actual emotion would probably have worked better for them, but this was the 80’s, and everyone was so strung out on coke that emotions couldn’t possibly be allowed to interfere with the magic.

When Dolores does it though, it feels ridiculously forced. It feels like an extra period at the end of a sentence. And the fact is "I went to the store.." looks stupid on paper. It looks like a mistake, which it is. Just like her singing voice.

I Hate the 80's, part Deux

2005-12-23T02:46:00.000-08:00

All right, so some of you don't quite understand the evil behind my last blog (and yes, I've explained it to a few of you in person already, or on IM or whatever, but I felt I should print it, as I finally could put into words the pain I was feeling).

Here's the long and short of the clip: you've basically got two characters from Hill Street Blues (and I do mean characters, as the actors from the show are in their usual show outfits), doing a song and dance act with people dressed up as characters from the Saturday morning cartoon show Shirt Tales.

Now, here are the two questions that immediately spring to mind when I see this clip: Firstly, WHAT THE FUCK are two Hill Street Blues characters doing interacting with cute cuddly cartoon animals, and secondly, WHO IN THE HELL is the demographic that NBC was trying to reach with this?!

This clip has confused a few people because frankly, you had to be watching quite a bit of TV back in 1984 to even know the references, and whereas I was (and I'm a nerd when it comes to pop-culture from that time period), not everyone else was following suit. So here's a mathamatical equation based on what's in that clip.

Hill Street Blues + Shirt Tales = NYPD Blue + Chip & Dale's Rescue Rangers = C.S.I. + Rolie Polie Olie = Beretta + Romper Room.

Okay, now we're on common ground. Sorta.

So, my first question really can't be answered, aside from the fact that in the early 80's, networks would regularly combine shows and stars for promotional purpose, usually during sweeps week (this practice continued into the early 90's, when you had the gang from Friends and the cast of Mad About You experiencing a blackout... thank god Seinfeld never took part in this shit). They would regularly throw their actors into such tripe as Circus Of the Stars, Battle Of the Network Stars, and random holiday specials. In this case, it's understandable why the network would use one show to try and make the other a hit.

But this is where my second question trumps everything else, which is again, WHO THE FUCK were their target demographic?! I mean, I have a job in the TV industry, I know the way the system works. Everyone's trying to reach a certain demographic, be it the 18-24 year olds (the most popular demographic by far), the baby boomers, or the elderly... where was the age group they were trying to sell to? I mean, figure you've got one demographic that's gonna watch a prime-time drama at 10:00 pm, and another that's watching a 9:00 am Saturday morning cartoon show. There's no correlation!

I guess it's possible that some drunk-assed mother fucker taped Hill Street Blues one night, and didn't watch it until 8:00 am two days later, and then watched Shirt Tales afterwards because they were too fucked up (and too lonely) to think of going to bed... but really, that's a very tiny demographic. Hell, that's about a million less people than watched the It's Garry Shandling Show on FOX way back when, and that was cancelled after a season and a half.

In short, I've learned from the experience of watching this clip that the 80's sucked. I mean, they didn't suck as much as the 70's... Christ, in that decade you not only had The Osmonds, but you also had The Captain and Tennile Hour. But still, as much as I hate modern television, at least I can be satisfied that The Simpsons are not going to cross paths with Jack Bauer from 24. At least, not until next Thanksgiving...

I Hate the 80's

2005-12-22T01:19:00.000-08:00

For those of you who know me, after reading the above title you're probably wondering, "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?!"

I'm completely serious though. Take a look at this clip and you'll understand why. I can't describe it. You just have to watch it. Then you'll know the pain I'm currently in.

(clip stolen from http://www.x-entertainment.com)

Why Our World Is Doomed, pt. 1

2005-12-19T01:43:00.000-08:00

I was flipping around the channels this evening, looking for something entertaining to watch; I stopped on AMC, and saw that the movie they were showing was Above the Law.

That's right, I said Above the Law. A late-80's Steven Seagal action flick. Showing on AMC. American Movie Classics.

I'll be starting work on my bomb shelter tomorrow morning.

Different strokes...

2005-12-17T01:10:00.000-08:00

It's strange how sometimes we never realize how incredibly boring we as human beings can be. Our differences make us unique, our interests make us different. Yet a lot of times, the things that we find fascinating as individuals are completely snooze-worthy to others.

Tonight, I was watching Robert Rodriguez's 15-Minute Film School, included on the second disc of the new Sin City DVD set, and while I was incredibly intrigued by everything he had to say, I started wondering to myself, "what would someone who could care less about comic books and greenscreen be thinking to themselves while watching this? How fast would they fall asleep?" Now, Rodriguez is a genius at making even the most boring of film processes sound entertaining, yet still, one must have at least some sort of interest in it to make it enjoyable.

I hearken back to when I was in high school, and the lectures we would get in different classes. Sometimes, I was fascinated; my ears were always completely attuned to whatever my history teachers would be saying, and I couldn't stop raising my hand to comment on whatever piece of literature we'd be studying in English class. Yet it was rare that my chemistry notes weren't covered in doodles, and it was even more unlikely that I'd be able to keep my head away from the cold comfort of my desk during a geometry lesson.

As my Myspace readers are well aware of from my previous blogs there, I tend to be something of a pop culture fanatic. I eat 80's music, I drink video games, I sleep crappy television shows. And while I can drone on and on about the merits of Starsky & Hutch and the hidden talents of Falco, I sometimes wonder, just how much am I boring the person listening to me?

Don't get me wrong, I can have fascinating conversations about politics, I can wax nonstop about religion, I can definitely carry myself when it comes to deep and meaningful topics. But even then, one needs an ear open to that kind of thing, and frankly, if I'm talking to a racing fanatic about McCarthyism, there's a good chance they're not going to stay interested for very long. Of course, on the other hand, I'm only going to stay awake listening to stories about legends of NASCAR for a very short period of time.

So as human beings, we need conversation, we need to feel that we're not alone in this world, and so we tend to surround ourselves with people of the same ilk, the same upbringing, the same mindsets. Actors hang out with actors, musicians hang out with musicians, doctors and lawyers make friends with their same breed. Sometimes I wonder if the real reason behind problems with race relations nowadays isn't because of racism, but because different races have different cultures, and as such, it's sometimes difficult to see eye to eye on a number of things, not because of color, but because of surroundings.

Of course, that theory gets shot to hell the minute one takes into account that white people have all the money, thereby enforcing neighborhood segregation.

But really, how many problems in our country today are caused because of this need to be comfortable in our surroundings? How much better would our little world be, if say, Republicans made friends with Democrats? If Christians hung out with Muslims? How many problems of society could be cured if people would look outside the box, and realize that outside of their little worlds, there are differences of opinion?

Right now, we live in a country controlled by religious extremists, right-wingers that only see things from their own personal viewpoints. We have rich people pretending to know what poor people need, we have fundamentalist Christians who think they know what's best for a Muslim country. We have them sending out Martha Stewart clones like Karen Hughes to preach their brand of democracy to a people whose culture reflects very little of that. And then they wonder why their ideals aren't immediately accepted.

You know why I'm pro-choice? Not because I necessarily believe that abortion is a good thing; frankly, I see it as an extreme last resort. But the fact is, pro-choice is not pro-death, it's pro-choice. I've seen people have abortions because an accident happened, and there's no way that the consequences of that action would be good for anyone, primarily the unborn child. And I've seen abortions happen as a form of birth control. I believe in that first example, and I detest the second. But regardless, the important thing to me is that the choice is there.

As much as I hate the fact that abortion rights give people like the ones in the second example an excuse to be stupid, I thank God that those same rights afford the people from the first example an option for their lives not to be ruined, and for another life not to be created, only to be thrown away. On that same note, I hate the fact that a group like the KKK even exists, but I'm thankful that such a hateful extremist group is allowed the freedom to express their beliefs.

The fact is, no matter your interests, no matter your beliefs, there are always many people that agree, and many people that don't. While it's safe to wrap yourself up in your own little world, and pay no attention to the people behind the curtain, they're there. And they'll always be there. And they have just as much right to believe in whatever they believe as you do.

So I'll keep on talking about Falco. And if you're not interested, that's quite all right. As long as you let me be entitled to my opinion.

Note: I had no idea this blog would get so philosophical, I started it with the intent of making a joke about boring conversations. My apologies.

A Disclaimer (consider this post #1)

2005-12-16T00:24:00.000-08:00

Here's the deal: I used to post blogs on Myspace all the time, but after a while I decided it was best to get an outside site to do it (mainly because a friend of mine couldn't read one of them without signing up, and since she didn't want to, I had to give her a password to a second account I have on that site, and I'm weird about that). So anyway, this is my new home for the stupid ramblings I post on a semi-occasional basis.

Now, here's the reason I'm writing this disclaimer: frankly, there are a few blogs that I've written on Myspace which I really enjoy, but the fact is, I'm a lazy bastard, and I really don't feel like copy-pasting all of them over here (especially since the dates and times they were written will all be the same, and frankly, some of them just don't fit in this modern age we live in). So if any new people are truly interested in my past musings, they can be found here: http://www.myspace.com/maximumfun. There you'll find all sorts of fun ramblings, surveys, reviews and other pointless crap. And if you look back REALLY far, you might even find blogs of a personal nature, something that I NEVER write anymore. So have fun looking back at my personal life, and um, carpe diem or some shit like that.

Oh yeah, just so as not to piss anyone off, I should mention it's incredibly rare that I add anyone I don't know personally to my Myspace friend's list. So if you do decide to look back at my past, and think that I'm so ultra-cool and suave and shit that you want to add me, you're welcome to try, but unless I'm really amazed by the accompanying email, chances are I won't reply. It's not because I'm a pretentious dick... well, maybe it is that. I don't know. Probably.

Yeah, it is that.

Sport relations

2005-12-15T01:42:00.000-08:00

I know many people that are "sports" fans, i.e. they just love sports in general, and follow whatever sport is in season. They know the teams, they know the players; they know stats, rankings, rumors, injuries... anything and everything. They know pro sports, college sports, majors and minors; they know classes, leagues, and all sorts of other terms and phrases. I just can't do it. I try, but I can't.

See, as I am with relationships, I am with sports; I pick a game, I pick a team, and I stick with that one monogamously. I find it very difficult to stray... oh sure, I'll look at another team sometimes; occasionally I'll find myself quite interested in another sport, even. But that's a very rare occurrence, and I always feel kind of dirty about it afterwards.

My sport is baseball. My team is the Dodgers. That's all I need, that's all I'll ever want. Sure, we have our ups and downs (christ, we had some serious issues this past season), but we always work it out, we always find ourselves together at the start of the season, ready to begin anew.

Now, I'm quite happy with my one team. I go to their games, I buy their merchandise, I read the articles and keep an eye on the player stats. And that's enough for me.

For some guys, one team, even one sport, just isn't enough, and I don't understand it. Like I said, I've tried... but I just can't root for other teams. I can't care about other players. Admittedly, I was quite happy when the White Sox won the Series this past year, but that happiness wasn't for myself; it was for my friends and co-workers from Chicago who finally saw one of their long-running loser curses end. It was like watching the friend who'd always been miserably alone finally find true love, and attending the wedding. Even with that happiness, however, I still felt pangs of remorse that my Dodgers and I hadn't had that experience.

Maybe that's why I can follow baseball so easily, because it is in essence, a monogamous sport. Baseball has always been a hometown game, everyone from one city rooting for their team to beat that other city, and prove who's better. Why else would rivalries in baseball always be between neighbors? Yankees and Red Sox. Los Angeles and San Francisco, and to a lesser extent, the Padres. Not true neighbors, sure, but coastal neighbors, marking their territory along the shoreline.

And there are major rivalries between actual neighbors, and thanks to interleague play, they can finally shine. The fact is, in most major cities, you're one or the other. In Chicago, you're either a Cubs fan or a White Sox fan. In New York, you either love the Yankees or the Mets. In San Francisco, it's the Giants or the A's. In Los Angeles... well, I don't like to talk about that. Let's just say there are a lot of Dodgers "fans" who apparently think that just because the grass is greener on the other side, that means they should move next door.

Of course, these "fans" explain quite a bit about why so many Angelenos are willing to cheat on their spouse just because they see a bigger pair of tits. All I can say to them is, by now they should know that those OC racks are fake.

Now other sports aren't as monogamous. Take football, for instance. Now, sure, most football fans have their home team (and coming from a major city that has no home team, it's admittedly hard for me to know that feeling), but they still know about every other team, every other player. My co-workers all watch football, and they all know what every team is doing, what every coach is thinking, and what every player can achieve. It doesn't matter to them who's playing, they'll still watch the game, and care about who wins. They're paying just as much attention to the relationships around them as the one they're in.

College football is even crazier. I don't know of one college football watcher how isn't completely aware of how every team is doing, and who won't be watching every single bowl game at the beginning of the year. Even when they have their own teams to root for (I won't even get into the UCLA-USC rivalry), they still take the time to pay attention to everyone else. Maybe it's only because of the amount of betting going on, but frankly, I think there's more. Of course, there's always more going on in college relationships than meets the eye, so...

Then we get to basketball. Now, basketball fans tend to be quite homegrown; LA people are Lakers fans (although this year they're Clippers fans... again this fairweather shit), Bostoners are Celtics fans, Chicagoians are Bulls fans, etc. Yet here's the strange thing; even being hometown fans, they still root for certain players, regardless of what team they're on.

The fact is, EVERYONE loved Michael Jordan. Everyone roots for Shaq. Larry Bird, Dr. J, no matter where you came from, you'd root for these guys. Maybe it's only because of their prominence in merchandising, but maybe not.

When the Dodgers sent Paul LoDuca, one of their biggest fan favorite players, to Florida, he was gone. Sure, he got a standing O when the Marlins came back to LA, but was anyone gonna follow his career after that? No. Derrick Jeter, hands down one of the best players in the game for a few years now, and even a one-time SNL host... does anyone watch Yankees games soley to watch him play? No. Because in baseball, it's all about the team, it's monogamous. In basketball, it's about who's got the hottest ass (in a manner of speaking, of course).

I refuse to comment on NCAA March Madness at this point, because the fact is, college basketball is one of the worst offenders in this case. I don't know one person following this stuff who doesn't know every single team. Fuckin' hound dogs, they be.

Now, what about smaller sports? Golf, tennis, boxing, Xtreme sports... these games are all about stars. And the people watching these are even bigger starfuckers than basketball fans. They're playas, all of them, going back and forth between contenders at the drop of a hat. Even worse, they're like princesses... oh, this guy's got more money and fame, I'll drop whoever I'm with to fuck HIM now!

You'll notice I skipped hockey. Yeah, that's because I can't make heads or tails about that sport whatsoever. Or its fans.

I also skipped soccer, but that's because soccer is an anomaly. Soccer's like S&M, you either like it or you don't. And when you like it, it doesn't matter who's playing, because it's the action that's more exhilarating than anything else. No matter which team you might favor, when a goal is kicked in, it's exciting no matter what.

I also skipped a few of the bar sports that have gotten popular lately; pool, poker, darts. These sports are like dating. There's no real feeling involved, you just know that you like what you see, and you enjoy it, without attachment to anybody.

Luckily, there's one event that ties it all together, lets all of us, monogamous and playa alike, see eye to eye, and that is the Olympics. Because at that time, it doesn't matter who we're fucking, or how close we are to them (or distant, for that matter), we're all rooting for the same thing. Suddenly, we all see eye to eye; regardless of situation; we all find one common ground, and that's the ego. After all, what are the Olympics for, other than an attempt to prove that our partner is better than the partners everyone else have?

Just as I've felt pride in seeing other women eye whoever my girlfriend is with jealousy, I feel the same pride in seeing my country's contender standing on top of the awards platform, accepting a gold. Sure, sometimes I feel bad that another country didn't get that medal they'd worked so hard for... but I get over it fairly quickly.

Eh, overall, I'm happy with monogamy. Think Blue!

Note: I excluded the World Cup and the upcoming World Baseball Classic from the last bit about the Olympics, as the feeling's about the same, and therefore redundant. Deal with it.