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Friday, August 24, 2007

Today's thoughts.

These are the things went through my head today. They are also reasons why I should seek psychiatric help.

- Whoever came up with the phrase "never say never" was a fucking idiot. I can think of plenty of times when "never" is a great thing to say. For instance, I NEVER want to be anally raped. I feel quite pleased with myself for that statement. I NEVER want to have a child die from SIDS. I think that's a good, healthy thing to say. Fuck the guy who said "never say never."

- When you wash towels in the laundry, do you feel just a little strange when you put them in the dryer? Like somehow, you're defeating their purpose? Maybe it's just me.

- Most automatic cars have a first and second gear available for use on hills and such. Now name me one automatic car driver that has any clue which of those two gears should be used in which situation. Personally, I think they're just there to make certain automatic car drivers wear down their gears at the same rate as manual car drivers do.

- The Dodgers seem to have gotten back on their feet this past couple weeks, but during that horrid losing streak that put them in fourth place in the N.L. West... how should I put this... for a team with that much potential to do that poorly for that extended of a period of time? Frankly, the last time I can think of a team screwing up so badly was in 1919. I won't name the team, but let's just say they came from Chicago and lost the World Series.

- Let's say two claustrophobic people get along really well. Now if someone describes their companionship as "like two peas in a pod..." do they get uncomfortable?

- Fuck World of Warcraft.

- Why does scented toilet paper exist? Exactly who is purposely sniffing the stuff? Before or after?

- Will someone please explain to me the appeal of Robin Thicke? Besides him being the son of Alan, of course. He's on every single goddamned MTV channel all the time, and I don't know why.

- "Brand new from Noxema, new Ethnic Cleanser! Wipe that race... right off your face!" (yeah, I know that's in pretty poor taste, but c'mon, the rhyme's kinda catchy)

- I just watched Robocop today for the billionth time, after purchasing the new DVD of it which came out this past Tuesday (making this the third time I've bought the movie... but this time, the set has the unrated version of the film with DTS sound! How could I refuse?!). Now, I absolutely adore this movie, as it is not only a key piece of late-80's pop culture, it's also a deliciously delightful satire of corporate America and the culture of corruption, which gets more and more poignant with each passing year (I swear I didn't crib that description, that's what actually came to mind... seriously, I'm not gay). "Pakistan's invading my borders!" Genius.

Anyway, as much as I love this movie and everything in it, there's one issue I have with it, which has bugged me since the first time I saw it. Namely, the scene when Robocop takes off his helmet, exposing the face of Murphy for the first time. See, here's the thing... through the entire movie up until that point, his chin and neck are covered by a rubberized black neckpiece. But once he takes off the helmet, AND ONLY THE HELMET, that neckpiece suddenly disappears! Not only is his chin exposed, but also his entire neck! WHERE THE HELL DID THE NECKPIECE GO?!

I suppose I should be happy my life is in good enough shape that I can actually consider that an important question. Of course, I might be using trivial bullshit like that to mask the real issues that I'm unwilling to face.

Guess the psychiatrist will know for sure...

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Yay! A MySpace survey! Pt. 1

Sorry to those of you waiting for Comic-Con content (all three of you), I haven't gotten the chance to get all my pics in order yet, what with all the working I've been doing, and the drinking I've been doing... oh, and yeah, to you people that got me addicted to Puzzle Quest, which has taken up the rest of my free time... I hate you all, and will soon prove it to you when my Knight has the rest of you sucking from his teet!

In the meantime, a friend of mine posted a new alphabetical MySpace survey this evening, I couldn't help but want to answer it...

A

Are you available?: Only at Macys and participating Spencer's Gifts.

What is your age?: A lot of people go with "Aquarius," some with "Innocence." Me personally, I'll go with the age of "Wonder." A thousand years ago, this land was green and good... until the Crystal cracked.

What annoys you?: People who use smartassed pop culture commentary as answers for ridiculously simple questions.


B

Do you know anyone named Billy?: I did, but then he lost my number, after all the times I told him not to. What a prick.

When is your birthday?: The day my mother plopped me out of her vagina. Although, truth be told, I came out like a Chestburster from Alien, from what I understand.

Who is your best friend?: My left hand. It gives me benefits.

What's your favorite candy?: Aren't we still on "B" questions? What the fuck?

Crush?: Okay, seriously, this is still the "B" category. And even besides that, you're not even asking a question. I can't believe I'm calling whoever came up with this survey a pigfucker this early into it.

When was the last time you cried?: Okay. Seriously? You fuck pigs, dude.


C

Whats your favorite color?: Mulatto. Or Mestizo. I like to blend.

What kind of car do you want when your older?: When my older? Okay, I'll pretend to not notice the major grammatical error... I mean, how old are we talking about? If I'm 40, I want something sensible. 50, I want something that masks what horrible shape my cock is in. 60, Oldsmobile is a given... 70 and up, I either want to give up my license on account of age, or have a hovercar. After all, that will be the future, and we've been promised those things since the 1950s.


D

Do you daydream?: I'd quote another song here, but since I can't remember the words exactly... fuck you.

What's your favorite kind of dog?: The kind that'll let me fuck her with a bag over her head.

What day of the week is it?: Wouldn't you like to know, Mister "I don't leave the house because I'm on my computer all the time creating MySpace surveys, and I eat marshmellows while I do it because I'm a sickeningly rotund lardass, and I can't remember what day it is because the fat under my eyes has swelled to a point where I can't make out what the little clock on my monitor says when I click on it."


E

How do you like your eggs?: To the left.

Have you ever been in the emergency room?: True story... when I was a very young boy, I decided my sled was perfect for sliding my arms through the blades and putting on my back, and then I could pretend to be Han Solo frozen in carbonite. It was a great little playtime, until I slipped and fell and one of the blades sliced my forehead open. I required eight stitches. Wee.

What color are your eyes?: The color of money. That is, if money was colored the color of shit.


F

Do you use fly swatters?: Pat Morita taught me the art of chopsticks, and I've never gone back.

Have you ever used a foghorn?: Now exactly when the fuck would I have ever used a foghorn in my life, pray tell? When I was a captain at sea, and needed to warn other vessels of the icebergs nearby? Cause that happened? Dick?

Is there a fan in your room?: Yes, and he's borderline obsessive, and I'm starting to fear for my life when he's around. I hear DeNiro's playing him in the remake.


G

Do you chew gum?: Only when I'm drunk and trying to cover my breath up. Do you suck dick?

Do you like gummy candies?: Only when I'm sucking dick and trying to cover my breath up. Are you drunk?

Do you like gory movies?: Only when I'm... christ, there's no other way to reverse that. Go to hell. And yes, sometimes.


H

How are you?: In what context? In bed? At shuffleboard? On 15th century Bulgarian architecture knowledge? Tell you what, let's go back to a response I had earlier... how are you at sucking dick?

What's your height?: Probably my win on Rock N' Roll Jeopardy. Definitely my fifteen minutes so far.

What color is your hair?: The rug matches the curtain. Drapes are a little off though.


I

Whats your favorite ice cream?: Rainbow sherbet (I gotta answer at least one of these properly. And by properly, I mean like a retard).

Have you ever ice skated? Little known fact... The Cutting Edge was a biopic. About me. Just because I was a preteen when it came out doesn't mean it's not true.

Ever been in an igloo?: There's as much chance of me being in one of those as there is of you being in the warm embrace of a female companion. Even one you paid for.


J

• What's your favorite Jelly Bean?: Jellybean Johnson. Played drums for Morris Day & the Time. Teh dood roolz.

Have you ever heard a really hilarious joke?: You've been laid! AH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAHAH... eh, it's not really that funny.

Do you wear jewelry?: Occasionally I'll wear a cock ring, but that's only when I've been bad and Mistress needs to punish me with torture and subservitude.



K

Have you ever flown a kite?: Why does this question sound like the start of a sixty year-old insult? Have you ever made like a tree and... well... left? Hmm... that one doesn't really work in print. Or in past tense. Crap.

Do you think kangaroos are cute?: Only when chased by poachers.


And that is enough of that... I just can't stomach filling out this whole thing tonight. Maybe I'll finish it later... you know, around the time I get around to posting my Comic-Con pictures! Look for the conclusion of this survey in mid-2009 or thereabouts! Thank you.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Congratulations, Barry.

I'm a Los Angeles Dodgers fan, through and through. I think Blue throughout the waking day, and sometimes into night. I wear my team jersey with pride; I cheer with each victory, and cry upon each defeat.

Well, not cry... perhaps "curse like a sailor" is a better term. And god knows recently, my potty mouth has known no bounds. But we're not here to talk about that (how the FUCK do you lose 13 of your last 20?! What, did we fucking switch teams with Kansas City one night, and no one bothered to tell us?! Jesus fucking Christ, guys!).

I'm all about the rivalries between west coast teams; I consistently tell the Padres to go fuck themselves whenever they're in town (not that they can hear me, but it's the animosity that counts), and I think The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim need to realize how ridiculously retardedly redundant that name is when you translate the spanish in it, not to mention the fact that Anaheim isn't even in Los Angeles COUNTY, let alone Los Angeles proper.

Fucktards.

But of all the established rivalries in this part of the world, none come close to that between the Dodgers and the San Francisco Giants. It's a rivalry that's crossed a nation, that goes back generations, almost 120 years in the making. It's two teams who've played against each other a staggering 2,260 times, the Giants having won more in New York, the Dodgers having won more in California. It's between these two teams, back in 1951, that Bobby Thomson hit the home run which became known as the "Shot Heard 'Round the World."

When the Dodgers visit San Francisco, they're met by the constant cheers of "Beat LA!" by the fans. And when the Giants come down to Los Angeles, "Giants SUCK!" echoes loudly through the capacity-filled bleachers of Dodger Stadium.

I'd mention the stadium that the Giants play at, but I imagine the name would change before I finished writing this, and I'd be out of date. Just say the word "Park" and insert any random phone company name in front of it, and that's close enough.

Now as a Dodger fan, I take great pride in letting the Giants know, when they come to town, exactly how much I hate them. And one Giant in particular stands out; the great Barry Bonds. Forget the fact that he's mired in steroid investigations, forget the fact that for a good majority of his career, he's generally been a surly prick to his fans and the press; he is the figurehead of the team, the face of the franchise, and as such, he must bare the brunt of our hatred and bile. And anyone who's been to Dodger Stadium with the Giants in town knows how easily the chant "Giants SUCK!" turns to "Barry SUCKS!" in the blink of an eye.

I love to loathe him, and I will continue to do so, up until the day he retires. But I will not loathe him today. Well, in actuality, I didn't loathe him last night, when the event I'm writing about actually took place, and I was lucky enough to witness it through the miracle of television; come to think of it, I do loathe him again today. But last night, I did not.

But since the video of his magic moment didn't appear on YouTube until today, we're shifting the timeline a bit.



Congratulations, Barry. You did it. You earned your place in sports history, and you did it well.

Now let's not talk about this again.

BARRY SUCKS!

GIANTS SUCK!

Congrats.