Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Mayor of Disneyland pt. III, Sadly Not To Be...

Unfortunately it appears that I was a bit too late in the quest to mock the fuzzed-out trash can pic on Kimberly's website, because when I went to the site this morning to do an image capture, her new banner looked like this:

Now, Kimberly? it's nice that your webmaster finally changed the picture completely and all, but really, do you mean to tell me that you just CAN'T find a real picture of New Orleans anywhere?! I mean, look at this crap! It makes you look like a realtor!

Seriously Kimberly, the city of New Orleans has been around a couple hundred years longer than the camera has, I'm sure you could at least find SOMETHING to put in the background.

This, for example, is a lovely image from the real French Quarter. Sure, it's a ripped-off image, but at least it's from some random person's photo journal, not a giant corporate entity. It's a warm, caring image, sure to get you votes.

Of course, if you really want votes, I suggest you do something like this:

First off, this banner has boobs, which automatically wins you the male constituency. Secondly, it shows what most people's immediate first thought of New Orleans was, pre-Katrina. Third, you can use it as an in-joke.

"Look at that horrible smudge job done on the faces of the people in the photo!"

"Hah! Yeah, it's still not nearly as bad as that fucked-up smudge job on the trashcan! Nudge nudge, wink-wink... see how my self-depricating humor makes me personable?"

And the greatest thing about this last one... who's gonna sue?! You got a couple of stupid drunk chicks in the foreground, too embarrassed to ever own up to this picture... and in the background, a bunch of even dumber drunk dudes who couldn't give less of a shit where their faces end up online. Nothing to worry about.

Anyway, the point is, Kimberly, you're not selling houses for Century 21, you're running for mayor. And you've got less than a week left, so go, be daring, be risk-taking... go get some beads!

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Taking a quick break from Kimberly...

First off, let me thank all of you who have been enjoying my Kimberly blogs, especially those of you commenting on them, and those who are now reading deeper into my archives of rants and raves and random bullcocky.

I'd also like to hand out a special big thanks to Ape Lad, whose "Mayor of Nepal" pic was what inspired me to go off on a tangent like this in the first place; and one to Roland, who pointed out to me this morning that Kimberly has indeed changed the image up a bit on her website... I'll be talking about that a bit at some point tomorrow.

In the meantime, however, I'm a little irked about something. A little something, too, weighing in at 7lbs., 8oz., and measuring in at about 20 inches long.

(This space reserved for every pre-adolescent minded penis joke that's running through all your heads right now)

What's irking me, is Tom and Katie's new baby.

(We're done with the penis jokes now? Okay, let's continue)

Now, I don't care that they had a baby, good for them. We've yet to live in a post-apocalyptic future where the only people allowed to breed are genetically superior rulers of the status quo, so shit, let them have as many babies as they want (I'm sure their Scientologist Overlords will be very pleased with that prospect).

What gets to me is how everybody seems to care so damned much. I checked my Myspace account this afternoon (yes, I'm on that site, and no, I'm not a child molester, and no, don't ask me to add you as I only add people I actually know in real life, and NO MORE FUCKING BANDS!), and the first thing I saw were four, count them, FOUR fucking bulletins in a row proclaiming the birth! All I can ask myself is, WHY?!

I checked a few different media websites, and as I had expected, they all had TOP stories about the event (CNN was where I got the birthweight from... normally I wouldn't give a shit about that kind of info, but I needed it to make my segueway interesting, please forgive me). And weird side stories as well. Even the Huffington Post, a site which I normally love and admire, was carrying a story from The Mirror about Tom wanting to eat the placenta (and no, I'm not linking that, as I only link to stupid bullshit at times, not obvious bullshit)!

There are 14.1 million babies born in the U.S. every year, which is 1.1 some-odd babies born every month, which is... well, it's a shitload of babies born every day! Now, where's the press for them? Where's the hooplah? Where's the media coverage for every other human being brought into the world? What makes this baby so much more special than every other baby, except for that it's parents are celebrities?

Absolutely nothing, that's what. Although I will admit the name "Suri" is quite beautiful (again info garnered from CNN, not my fault).

Rest assured, however, if I ever marry a Katie, Katherine, Kat, or similar sounding name, and someone decides to dub our firstborn "Damkitty?" Yeah, I'll make quite sure to respond to them by slapping baby's first dirty diaper in that person's face.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Mayor of Disneyland, pt. II

So I had a chance to think about things over the weekend. And I realized that if Kimberly truly wants to be a mayor, maybe Disneyland isn't the best place for her. At first I was thinking Knott's Berry Farm or Cedar Point, but then I realized, no, she should branch out from the amusement park business, and find something more real, more tangible. Here are my suggestions:

I apologize for that last one... I just find the phrase "Mayor of Intercourse" really funny for some reason. But I also laugh when I hear the word "poopy," so what're ya gonna do.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Mayor of Disneyland

I'm sure by now quite a few of you have heard about Kimberly Williamson-Butler, the woman running for mayor in New Orleans who used a picture of New Orleans Square at Disneyland in her webpage layout to stand in for the real thing?

actual image from website

If you haven't, you can find a bit about her at BoingBoing here, and a quite in-depth article by Jim Hill here.

Anyway, the point of me blogging about this, is that I feel kinda sorry for the woman. Two weeks left in the race, and with this new scandal in front of her, there's no way she can win.

But is that any reason to quit? Hell no! If at first you don't succeed, try, try again, Kimberly! Try, try again!

To prove my support, I've created a small number of new campaign website billboards for you, in order to hopefully inspire you and help you find new direction in your burdgeoning political career. Enjoy!

Background images stolen from gotta give credit where credit's due

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

What's the deal with Cuba?

I promise, my next blog will be humorous...sorry for the chain of political and religious shit, but you know, I gotta write about what's on my mind...

So, a couple weeks ago, Japan beat Cuba in the World Baseball Classic. I was lucky enough to be at the game where Mexico beat the U.S. to allow Japan into the finals (it's a points thing, don't ask how Mexico winning made Japan win, just deal with it), and while I was happy to see the national pride that the Mexicans gained from winning, I was really rooting for the U.S. Why?

Because I knew Cuba would make it to the finals, and I was dying to see a U.S. vs. Cuba game.

Of course, I wasn't rooting for that matchup out of knowing it'd be good baseball... I wanted to see it because I knew if it happened, all the bullshit politics between the two countries would come out, and maybe someone in power would decide to start debating it again.

For those of you not in the know, the U.S. has had a trade embargo (best term I can think of right now) with Cuba for over 40 years. Basically, what it boils down to is, after the Bay of Pigs fiasco and the Cuban Missile Crisis in the 60's, we decided that Castro's regime was pure evil, and we would have nothing more to do with them.

Now here's what I don't get: Castro made Cuba into a Communist-Socialist country. Okay, we don't like that, fine. However, China and North Korea follow very similar doctrines, but we can have free trade and talks with them. Explain to me why the situations are so different?

I might not have been alive during the height of the Cold War, but maybe that's why I can see how stupid our embargo against Cuba is. I mean christ, we're not hurting Castro, we're hurting his people. This is a country that's basically stuck in the 1950's, and it's thanks to us that they haven't grown beyond that time.

And this is why I was so hoping that maybe baseball could bring out the stupidity of it all. If the U.S. public could see that the Cubans are people just like us, and as proud of a sport as we are, maybe they might start asking their congresspersons, "why are we still at war with this country?" "Why is it that these people who are so like how we used to be so evil?"

Cuba's not a threat to us, they haven't been for over 40 years. There's no reason why we can't be cordial with them, except for some ancient machismo bullshit. And this is why I hope now, when the World Baseball Classic returns in 2009, that the final comes down to the U.S. and Cuba. Because we shouldn't ignore them as a country anymore.

Hopefully we'll be out of Iraq by then...