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Monday, February 27, 2006

The funny thing about racism is...

So, political correctness is dead, we all know that at this point... yet some of the terminology has stuck around. And frankly, a lot of it is very insulting. Oh, it might not seem that way at first... but when you really look at it, it's more derogatory and sterotypical than a lot of racial slurs can be. For example:

African-American. Okay, we're all aware at this point of the stupidity of calling only black people "African-Americans," considering that there are white Africans as well (Charlize Theron, for example). But what if someone's Black and not from Africa? That's even worse. Imagine a Jamaican being called an African-American. That's just a little insulting. And frankly, wouldn't the term denote that you were originally from Africa, but moved here and took up citizenship? I hate the idea of slavery as much as anyone else, but the fact is, the Africans were brought here and other countries against their will over a century ago. An eighth-generation kid from Harlem is not an African-American. He's an American (we'll get into the problems with that term down the line).

I'd also like to know why Egyptians are considered Middle-Eastern by a lot of people. Egypt is on the African continent. They're just as African as people from Kenya, as are Moroccans, and Libyans. Is it because they were never enslaved? At least, not in the last couple hundred years? Hell, if slavery is the reason behind the term African-American, then shit, that would make the Jews African-American as well. Which historically isn't that far off.

And why is it we never hear this use of words on other continents? I've never heard a black man from the UK call himself an African-European. No, the only reason we have it here is because mother fucking Puritan assholes need to make themselves feel better for centuries of oppression.

Mexican-American. You here this term used a lot in Southern California. And frankly, it's a bunch of bullshit. Why? Because it's REDUNDANT! That's like calling someone from Seoul a Korean-Asian. The fact is, anyone from a Latin country in this hemisphere, from the U.S., even the Canadians... they're all American, be it North, Central, or South. And that brings me to my next point.

American. In this country, we LOVE to talk about ourselves as America. We constantly say, "AMERICA is the greatest country," "AMERICA leads the world," "AMERICA is number one!" Guess what, mother fuckers? America is three continents! We live in the UNITED STATES, people! The United States of America! Key word, "of!" You uppity assholes down by the border, getting all pissed off about "letting the Mexicans into America..." they're already there! They've been there longer than you have! Hell, you're living on land that was pillaged by their ancestors WAY before your ancestors stole it!

I will say one thing in defense of the faux patriotic bullshit I'm tearing apart though: admittedly, it's hard not to call oneself an "American." The fact is, "United Statesian" just sounds stupid. But it's not hard to say you're from the "States." And it's not difficult to name yourself after the state you're from. Me personally? I'm a Californian, and proud of it. Not as proud as Texans get... but then again, their state pride is something on it's own level. Try saying something bad about Texas to a Texan who hates the place. Nine times out of ten, you're gonna get punched in the face. I can deal with being called an "American." But that's not the name of my country.

Jewish-American. Now we're talking complete bullshit. Jewish is a religion, not a race. If we're gonna call people Jewish-American, we better keep designating. Christian-American. Muslim-American. Atheist-American. Zorostrian-American. Yeah, gets to be a pain after a while. So how about we get rid of the term altogether, huh? I mean christ, next thing we're gonna start designating politics and preferences. "This is my friend Bill, he's a Liberitarian-American." And I can't think of one gay man who wouldn't be ridiculously insulted by the term Homosexual-American. Well, they might be insulted, but they'd probably still laugh at it. Gay people seem to have better senses of humor than straights do (and yes, I'm stereotyping, but let me put it this way... find me a gay liberal man who can laugh at straight conservative rhetoric, then find me the opposite. Which is gonna be easier to scout out?).

While we're on the topic of religion, let me make one thing clear for a bunch of people: Arabs aren't necessarily Muslim, and vice-versa. A lot of people make this stereotype, and it's just not true. There are plenty of Arabs that are Christian, Jewish, even Hindu. But folks just automatically assume that all Arabs pray to Mohammed. That ain't the case. To turn it around, let's assume that all U.S. Americans are Christian. Yeah, that's pretty insulting, isn't it? Thought so.

Native American. Yes, I know the term Indian only exists because the Spaniards thought they'd found the West Indies. And yes, American Indian is just as stupid of a phrase. But seriously, even the Native Americans aren't native. Supposedly, they're nomadic tribes that spread their way down from the Bering Land Bridge. The closest to Native American that existed were the Incans, the Mayans, the Aztecs, and even then, who really knows. You wanna be decended from a tribe, great, go for it. But then you're Cherokee, you're Chippewa, you're not Native American. Unless of course you go for the real definition of the term, in which case, I'm a Native American. Hell, I was born in North America, why wouldn't I be? And I'm proud of my heritage.

Asian. All right, this is probably the biggest bunch of bullshit that stereotypes have created. Seriously, let's be rascist for a second. What's the first thing that comes to mind when you think "Asian?" Short, slanty-eyes, no chest hair, good at math, bad drivers... yeah, the Asian stereotype goes on and on. And it's completely WRONG!

Firstly, there are Asians that suck at math. And second, some Asians drive very well. But that's not the point.

The point is, the Asian stereotype is geared towards people from China, Japan, Korea, Vietnam... guess what, people? You know that country our soldiers are in right now, the place in the Middle East that we're trying to "liberate?" It's in ASIA! The place where people wear dots on their heads and pray to Vishnu, what's it called... oh yeah, India. Also in ASIA!

And guess what, mother fuckers? Israel, that land given to the Jews as part of repartitions after WWII? Also in Asia! You know what that means? Israelis are Jewish-Asians! Hope you Texans can deal with that.

Armenian. Yeah, this is a very Glendale, CA bit here, so if you're not from Southern California, then skip it. In Glendale, there is a very large Armenian community. So large, in fact, that on some job applications and work forms, it's considered an ethnicity. I got news for you mother fuckers perpetuating that shit... the Armenians are Caucasian. More Caucasian than you or I, probably. Know how I know this? It's simple. The Caucus mountain range borders their damned country! Think about the term for a second... Caucasian. Caucus... Asian. Hell, the truth is, the Middle East is closer to being Caucasian than you English Puritan cocksuckers will ever be. Maybe that's why you want their land so much... not because of oil, but because that way you can fully steal their ethnicity.

And what about me? At this point, there's probably a few people out there asking "where the hell does this little bitch of a white boy come off saying this shit?" Well, it's simple. Racially, I'm a mutt. I got English, I got German, I got Norwegian, I got Mexican (which gives me both Spaniard and "Native American," as the Spaniards raped them to make Mexicans). I got a bunch of other shit in my blood that I'm not to even sure about, but you know what? I'm proud of all of it. I don't give a fuck about race, creed, or country (although I do love the land I came from... California! What a place!). I'm just proud of being a human being.

And one more... All right, this has nothing to do with race, but it's on my mind, and somewhat fitting. For some reason, with all the problems in the world concerning war, starvation, AIDS, global warming, etc... the Religious Right has taken it upon themselves to make abortion their number one priority. To them, you're either Pro-Life, or Pro-Choice. Here's the thing: Pro-Choice incorporates Pro-Life! Pro-Choice means just this; a woman has the CHOICE of aborting a fetus, or taking it to term. Pro-Life means that no matter what the situation, a woman has NO choice but to take the baby to term. Even if she's a rape victim. Or a casualty of incest.

Pro-Life is nothing but another bullshit term that glosses over the horrors inherent in it's actual meaning. Like the Clear Skies Initative. Or the No Child Left Behind Act. Or frankly, Hitler's decision to call his slaughterhouses "camps." We live in a free country. Give a woman freedom to choose. Sure, some people will take disgusting advantage of that freedom. But look at all the assholes that feel they can get away with all sorts of evil bullshit because "Jesus will forgive them," and tell me which is worse.

Okay, I'm off my highhorse. Feel free to comment.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Another survey...

Been a while since I've posted one of these things, but as this incredibly lame survey as been going around for a while, I felt obligated to do it. Mainly because I just need something to do right now. I'm bored. Someone hold me.

A - Available? Not for purchase, no. Possibly for rental, or for parties.
A - Age: The Bronze Age was interesting. Stone Age was okay. Age Of Innocence, bleah.
A - Annoyance: You ever try and open a twist-off cap, only to find that the precut part wsn't cut well, and the top won't come off? And then you keep trying, cause you're fuckin' thirsty, but just make a mess of the thing. That pisses me off.

B - Best Friend? A boy's best friend is his mother. But thankfully, I'm a man, so my best friend is an invisible leprechaun that lives under my bed and tells me stories about Taoist superheroes.
B - Birthday? No more birthdays for me for a while, thank you. The last one was a little more lasting than i needed.

C - Car: It's interesting how the lettering system of this survey so closely mirrors an ABC book I had as a child. Except there are no pictures. That sucks. Oh, and yes I have a car. I live in LA, how could I not.
C - Cat: I also have one of these. She's cute. And evil. Like all women.

D - Dead Pets Name: Don't tell me, I need to give you my grandmother's maiden name and the name of the street I grew up on for this? Yeah, fuck off.
D - Dads Name: He only tells me his aliases.
D - Dog: Gimme a pound.

E - Easiest person to talk to: A mute parapelegic. You can tell them anything.
E - Eggs: I've got them, yes.
E - Email: Are you fucking kidding? I'm just gonna put my email out for a dataminer to grab? I get enough spam about generic Cialis, thank you.

F - Favorite color? The color of money. It's in the way that you use it.
F - Food: What about it? Do I want some? How the fuck am I supposed to answer one-word questions?
F - Foreign Slang: You're a foreign douchebag. How was that?
F- Future Plans: Kicking the ass of whoever wrote this piece of shit survey.

G - Gummy Bears or Worms: Let's see, one is a tasty candy or a classic kid's show, the other is a parasite that lives in my intestines and feeds off my excrement. Hmm... I'll have to think about it.
G - God: Sometimes you just don't come through. Bitch.

H - Hair Color: I don't care if the carpet matches the drapes, as long as they're well color-coordinated.
H - Height: 6'0". 4'2" in heels.
H - Happy: Gilmore? What the fuck is this asking?

I - Ice Cream: you scream, we all scream when someone's jammed a thousand needles into our individual eye sockets. I don't scream for ice cream though.
I - Instrument: In my high school yearbook the heading under my photo says "most likely to become an Instrument of Pain." Don't know what that means exactly.
I - Idol: You doll, we all doll... eh, fuck that.

J - Jewelery: yes, I know how to spell it properly. "Jewelry." Cockwhore.
J - Job: He had some problems, didn't he? I think. Could never really figure out the point of that story.

K - Kids: Incorporated, K! I! D! Asshole.
K - karate: Do people still train for this shit? Seriously, Cobra Kai could get their collective asses kicked by practically any other martial art. Hell, even Tai Chi might stand half a chance.

L - Longest Car Ride: Six days across country. I was in the trunk, too.
L - Longest Relationship: I no longer measure relationships in time, only in amounts of pain. In which case the least painful lasted about 4 hours.
L - Love: my way, it's a new road. I follow, where my mind goes.

M - Mothers Name: I plead the fifth. Just like they made me do in court.
M - Movie Last Watched: I can't say the title, but I swear that all participants were over the age of 18.

N - Number of Siblings: None living. Yeah, you don't know HOW to feel about that answer, do you?
N - Northern or Southern: Western. There's more than two directions, asshole.
N - Name: Name what? That tune?

O - One wish? I wish there were less letters in the english alphabet. God, why can't this thing be over yet...
O - One Phobia? Discophobia. I don't have it, but it's the first one to pop in my head.

P - Parents, are they married or divorced: Thankfully divorced. Hey, that's the first real answer I've given, I think!
P - Part of your Personality you like best: My enormous cock. It's very personable.

Q - Quote: "You know what sounds fun? Hanging myself with a belt while I masturbate. Think I'll try that." - Michael Hutchence

R - Reason to smile: Getting laid. I've been frowning a lot lately.
R - Reality TV Show: Buck Rogers In The 25th Century.
R - Right or Left: Can't a person be ambidextrious? You fucker.

S - Song Last Heard: "Please, God, Don't Kill Me" - My Last Victim
S - Season: Oregano. Makes everything better. Even sex (probably why I haven't gotten laid lately, seems no one believes me when I tell them that).
S - Sex: Male. Dumbass.

T - Time you woke up: Ten something, I think..
T - Time Now: 7:41pm.
T - Time for bed: Whenever I pass out from all the drinking.

U - Unicorns?: Not only is this survey lame, but now it's incredibly gay.
U - U are? Again, what the fuck? Half sentences don't form a question, asshole, especially when they're written in the style of Prince. K, there's an answer for you... I am The Artist Formerly Known As Shut Your Fuckin' Piehole.

V - Vegetable you hate: Whoever wrote this cocksucker of a survey. Seriously, this survey sucks my cock.
V - Vegetable you love: Lima beans.
V - View on Politics: I refuse to express them here, as I seriously doubt whoever wrote this even came up with this question. It looks tacked on to me. Ask me again about the unicorns, bitch.

W- Worst Habits: Wasting time filling out bullshit cuntwhore surveys like this crap.
W- Where: On my computer? Or wherever else I have access to my blogs? Or is this yet again just a stupid fucking one-word question that has no point except to add another letter? God-fucking-dammit I hate this.

X - X-Rays: This is complete fucking bullshit.
X - X-xtra special someone: "Extra" starts with an E, and there's still only one X in it if you're purposely spelling it wrong, you daft cunt.

Y - Year you were born: I'm old enough to know better than to ask that. When were you born? 1996? Little bitch.
Y - Year it is now: If you don't know this, then you are a stupid goddamned mother fucker, cause seriously, your little quiz here is not gonna last through the ages, bitch. Hell, I give it six months tops, and that's only cause it'll still be new to some 14-year old cocksucker in Tennessee in June when they're finished with their homeschooling for the year and finally allowed to go online.
Y - Yellow?: You calling me chicken? Say it to my face, fucker.

Z - Zoo Animal: Your mom.
Z - Zodiac: Your mom's a whore.
Z - Zoolander? Fuck off.

No more surveys for a while. Fuck.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Cheney Shot Someone!

But I'm sick today, so I really don't have the energy to write about that. Or do much else. Ack.

So I'm posting another picture, this time of when The Storks played at Coachella back in 2002. I'm sure some of you have fond memories of that performance... I know I do.


Thursday, February 09, 2006

Grammy Lifetime Achievement Award

Witnessed last night on the Grammys:

Jenna Elfman/Jennifer Love Hewitt/Someone promoting their CBS network TV show comes up to the microphone, and reads from the teleprompter.

"Ned Silverman is one of our great legends. For the past 50 years, he has kept the hallways in the Recording Academy building spotless, the floor tiles glimmering, the toilets in the bathroom unclogged. He has worked night and day so that the dirty slobs of the Academy don't have to wallow in their own filth, which without him, would build up quickly, in a smelly fashion. And so, Ned Silverman is tonight, the recipient of a Grammy Lifetime Achievement Award."



Okay, so maybe that didn't exactly happen. But seriously, they were handing those things out like they were Halloween candy. Way to menialize something.