Monday, January 30, 2006

Not Much For Today.

Seems my attempt at tricking the ad engine didn't work out so well... looks like the thing defaults to Hurricane Katrina fundraising when it's confused. Ah well.

In the meantime, I really don't have anything else to talk about today, so instead, here's a picture of Kevin Federline destroying a city with his fire-breathing powers while riding a giant duck.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Bots are funny.

At least, the ones that decide what my advertisement box is gonna say are. For the most part, they've been bringing up ads for music downloads, 80's purchasables, etc.... stuff based on what I mostly write about, of course.

Then I write ONE blog with the word "porn" in it, and suddenly the ads are all about dating black Asians and shit.

So I'm curious to see what other words change things up a bit. Here's a quick list of things I want to see advertisements for:

Chicken Torso
Alfredo Garcia
Pumpkin Mutilation
Greeting Cards
Anne Frank
Titty Fucking
Quantum Physics
Goat Milk
Candied Bats
Used Vibrators
Lesbian Scat Videos
Bulgarian History

Comment and let me know what ads come up for this stuff. I'm curious.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Random Thought

You know what would really suck? Dating an incredibly hot chick in high school, but she never puts out cause she's not that kind of girl, and then a few years later, you're surfing porn on the internet, and suddenly you find pictures of her, and she's got two guys DPing her and a third one shooting a load into her mouth.

That would really suck.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

This Week's Music Biz-tch: Where Are the Asians?

FIrst, a disclaimer... the word "Biz-tch" in the title of this series of blogs is simply a combination of two other words, namely the word "biz," which is slang for any part of the entertainment industry (in this case music), and the word "bitch," which is what I'm doing when I write these things. Although it looks like it belongs in the same family of slang as words like "fo-schizzle" and "bling," it is not meant to be taken as such.

Now then, onto this week's "biz-tch."

The world of popular music is an incredibly diverse one. People of all races, religions, sexes and orientations populate it. There are blacks, whites, latins, jews, arabs, indians, and even canadians, all over the pop charts. And this leads me to my question: where the hell are the Asians?

Ask somebody to name a white pop star, it'll take them less than a second. Black, latin, the same. But I dare anybody to name me an Asian music star off the top of their heads.

Sure, there are Asians making music. Cibo Matto, for instance. Or Shonen Knife. Or if you want to be really nerdy about it, the 1-2-3-4's. Hell, JapPop is a style of music all to itself. And anime composers have legions of fans all over the globe.

But pray tell, what has been the highest chart topper for any of these people? How many of these groups have performed on TRL, or had their new video premiered on Entertainment Tonight? When was the last time an Asian had a number one record in the United States? Has there ever been a time?

As far as I'm aware, the closest an Asian has gotten to superstardom was the guitarist from Smashing Pumpkins. And he only got there because of a lame-assed white boy.

There are Asian movie stars aplenty. Asian writers all over the place. There are many Asian sports stars... hell, there's even an Asian basketball player, something ten years ago no one ever would have thought possible! Yet there are no Asian pop stars.

Unless you count William Hung. And if he's the biggest star the asian music community has thus far, god help them...

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Music, Memories... Magic! (and some mirth)

I was going to start a Myspace bulletin on this subject, but given that most albums and songs on this list have a backstory, I didn't feel justified just throwing the titles down all in a row. So here's the deal...

Almost everybody has some point in their lives where the memories are so warm, so fuzzy, or so godawfully bad, that certain things in the present will trigger them. Sometimes these memories are stimulated by something visual (you see someone walking down the street who looks like an ex, you remember your whole relationship with that person). Sometimes they're stimulated by a certain smell (god knows how many years of memories the smell of Disneyland water triggers).

Usually, what triggers these memories is music.

Unless of course, you're an evil souless robot with no pulse and an off-switch in your back. If this is the case, I pity you, and the humans that you devour for fuel.

What is it about certain albums and songs that makes them so powerful to bring the past back to life in such a way? Is it because they're so good, they form a synaptic connection within the brain? Or is it because they just happened to be on the radio at a certain time? Or is it just one of those things that has no answer?

I'm betting on that last one (see #6 and #10 for why the first answer is discredited).

Anyway, here's my list of albums and songs that trigger specific memories of times long past in my brain. As always, the comments board is open... feel free to leave your own memories there. As long as the answers don't amount to "haXXor H8 n00b p00pE" or something to that effect, I'll publish them.

And the winners are...

  1. Air - Moon Safari. Between 1998-2000, I listened to this album constantly. I still listen to it quite often, and each time, it brings back a specific memory of driving back home from my job at the time, on a spring day in 1998, ready to get on the 5 freeway from Los Feliz Boulevard. It was a carefree time; I was working for money to spend, not yet having to worry about rent and bills and the other bullshit that adult life entails. Hell, most of my money was going towards buying CDs. This was one of them.
  2. Pink Floyd - Meddle. Summer of 1994. I spent it part of it visiting my best friend in Chicago. I bought this album in a small record shop near her house on vinyl, and haven't stopped listening to it since. Except for when I'm listening to other albums. Or not listening to anything at all. Let's just say I listen to it often.
  3. Sneaker Pimps - "Six Underground." Summer/Fall 1996. I was spending a lot of time with one of my best friends and his girlfriend (or was she his ex by then? I don't remember), and this song was constantly on the radio. Literally. Every time we hung out, someone would turn on the radio, and the song would be on. Then, it was slightly creepy. Now, it's a fond memory. Of creepiness.
  4. Arcade Fire - "Lights Out." While I would list their full album, this one song in particular is where the real memory comes from; namely, Coachella 2005, and all the time surrounding it (within a year or so). Well, all the good time, anyway.
  5. Orbital - The Middle Of Nowhere. 1999. From start to finish. I had a gorgeous girlfriend, money to burn, friends that cared about me, and a car I could go anywhere with. And this album was in that car all the time. Now... well, I still have some friends left somewhere.
  6. Bobby Brown - "On Our Own." Summer of 1989. Hanging out with the kids from the neighborhood, at the house of whoever owned a Nintendo or had cable. Why is it that those kids never let anyone else play their Nintendos? Little bastards.
  7. Doobie Brothers - "What A Fool Believes." I was two, and playing on a swingset or something to that effect, while my mother was talking to somebody inside a building, and the song was coming through the window to the outside. Don't know why this one stuck with me, it just did. Don't know why my mother left me unsupervised at that early of an age either, but that's not important for the purposes of this list.
  8. Underworld - "Cowgirl." Back in 1996-98, I used to go to two clubs in Los Angeles almost every week, Perversion and Asylum. Every time we went, this song would be playing. And every time, the whole group I was there with would get up on the dancefloor. And then we'd go back to our table and smoke cigarettes, because at the time that was still legal. Good times.
  9. Soundtrack - Main Street Electrical Parade. - Let me put it this way; if you know, you know. If you don't, you never will. Oh, and if you know from a young age... Pete's Dragon, blowing smoke from his nose. Yeah, that's right. We just shared a moment.
  10. Pebbles - "Mercedes Boy." Summer of 1988. Playing with the other kids where we weren't supposed to, while the older kids watched MTV, and the music would fly out to where we were. Shit, I probably should have listed "Strangelove" by Depeche Mode instead, that's a much more respectable song, and was around at the same time. Although, I don't base my lovelife on whether a girl knows the lyrics to that one (now you know why I fell in love with the girl in #5, she was as much of a nerd as me, and hot to boot).

There are more, of course, but I figured ten was enough for now. Maybe I'll write a sequel to this at some point. Probably I won't, given that this blog entry wasn't particularly amusing. But hey, they can't all be roses. Well, at least not roses that squirt water. Although come to think of it, those haven't been funny since vaudeville died.

Anyway, leave your comments. I'm curious as to what goes on in all your strange little minds...

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Why I'm A Nerd, Pt. 1

It's very simple.

This is the game Kingdom Hearts.

This is the movie Tron.

This is me popping a boner.

Friday, January 13, 2006

This Week's Music Biz-tch: "The Flame"

And no, I'm not talking about the cheesy-assed pop song by Duran Duran knock-off group Arcadia, I'm talkng about the cheesy-assed rock ballad by the once rockin' group Cheap Trick.

Well, I guess they were never really that rockin', aside from "I Want You To Want Me." I mean, "Dream Police" is ridiculously lame. And "Surrender..." well, that rocks out a bit. Kind of.

Okay, so except for their hit songs, they were rockin'. Whatever.

Regardless, in the late 80's, they had a comeback with a ballad called "The Flame." It's an exceptionally cliched song, in all honesty; it starts with an acoustic guitar being picked, and the lead vocalist singing quietly, emotionally, the tears welling in his eyes. But then during the bridge, he starts getting louder, and out pops the falsetto, and then it's time for the chorus, signalled by rising drums. And of course, as the chorus finishes out, the drums pound to climax. Let's see, how many rock ballads of the 80's followed this pattern? Hmm... all of them, I think.

Of course, let's not forget the guitar solo in the middle of the song, which basically does nothing except repeat the melody over heavy drums.

So you've got a mediocre ballad that uses all the cliches of the time period. Now the question is, why do I even care?

Answer: Because the song is FUCKING CATCHY!

I cannot get the damned song out of my head this week. It got so bad that I even had to sing it at karaoke one night. And even that didn't help. I downloaded it, burned it, it's part of my DJ collection now, in case I ever need a really bad late 80's prom song to amuse the drunks with late in the evening.

Why is it that the good music never gets stuck in one's head? No one ever finds a Wagner symphony embedded in their mind. It's rare that someone has an experimental Beatles tune floating around in their skull.

No, what we always end up getting impaled with are cheesy, catchy tunes that have nothing new to say, have no innovation or skill involved... they just repeat over and over, and continue repeating in our minds until sleep finally comes.

Perfect example: "Hollaback Girl." Goddamn you, Gwen Stefani.

And goddamn you, Cheap Trick.

For more information on cheesy-assed rock ballads that all follow the same formula, please see:
  1. "Heaven" - Warrant
  2. "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" - Poison
  3. "Hysteria" - Def Leppard
  4. "Is This Love" = Whitesnake
  5. "Home Sweet Home" - Motley Crue (slight formula change in this one, as well as the following two)
  6. "Sister Christian" - Night Ranger
  7. "Open Arms" - Journey

What is that formula change, you ask? The last three songs start with a piano, instead of acoustic guitar. Real innovative.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

"Imagine Me & You"... a movie coming out this year, about a bunch of English people trying to find true love, or something like that. Along the way, in typical English romantic comedy fashion, they make self-deprecative quips, and quaint one-liners back and forth to each other. There is a couple about to get married, but the woman starts falling for someone else... another woman! Hilarity ensues!

I don't give a shit about contrived romantic comedies... there's an audience for sap, and I'm more than happy to step aside while lovers of the "feel-good" movie eat that shit up. I also don't give a shit about bisexuality. She's gonna leave her man for a woman! How innovative! How original! It's genius! I can just imagine the writer sitting back in his chair after deciding to go with this spark of brilliance, chuckling and patting himself on the back in pure upper-class twit fashion. Asshole. That shit happens in real life all the time (although from my understanding, the roles are usually reversed... although I imagine modern audiences just aren't ready to see a man leave a woman for another man).

What I do give a shit about, what truly disturbs me, is a quick scene in the trailer for this movie. It's a scene where the two women are having a "girl's night out" or something, having fun, falling in love. What are they doing while this takes place?


This movie is destined to suck balls.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Survey Time

This time it's Erin's fault... damn you for posting a survey that actually has something more interesting to ask than "What's your favorite smell?"

1. Would you rather kill a puppy with your bare hands or make out with your father?
Depends... do I get to make out with the puppy before killing it? Because then I think my choice is obvious.

2. What would be worse for the world: One giant (approx. 30 feet tall), cybernetic Hitler, or if all food screamed when you ate it?
It really depends... I mean, first off, did Hitler ever kill anyone with his own hands? Sure, he ordered the mass genocide of millions of people, but I think he was too much of a pussy to pull the trigger himself. In which case, a giant cybernetic Hitler would basically be a very tall screaming machine (something Hitler was very good at doing). So then, you've got one single screaming giant cyborg, compared to all the food in the world screaming, so the food would obviously be worse. Now, if the food all screamed in different ways, that might just be entertaining enough to put it over. Plus, it would definitely open people up to sampling different cuisine.

3. Zombies become a very harsh reality. Sensing the ethical code society has instilled in you slipping away, you decide to start killing everything that moves with what weapon?
The obvious answer is "my cock," but I've overused that in many surveys (plus if one zombie took the old joke about a man's brain being in his pants seriously, that would really suck, no pun intended), so let's say... a CD gun like the one in that old game Revolution X. Now exactly what is this code that society's instilled in me saying I can't kill zombies? I don't think I ever learned that one.

4. When charging into battle, your war cry is?
I'd really like to say something cool and memorable here, like "Viva la revolution" or something, but the fact is, if I ever do charge into battle, I have a feeling the best I'll be able to muster up will be something like "Yaaaaaaahhh."

5. A temporal rift has opened up while you were in the bathroom and sucked you into the distant, distant past. Where do you pray to God that you don't end up?
Somewhere I can't get a decent cheese steak. Oh wait, I already live there. Fuck.

6. Ninjas vs. Pirates: Who wins? Defend your answer.
This is where I'm supposed to be all "in the know" and say something about how Ninjas are totally sweet and would explode a Pirate with their giant boner, right? And then I bet you want me to make a reference to "All your base are belong to us" or some shit like that. Fuck you, nerd.

7. It's your wedding day. However, the night before ants crawled into your head and drove you insane. what song is stuck in your head?
I'd imagine whatever the ants are singing at the time. "Goody Two Shoes," maybe? Yeah, that's just stupid. Forget it.

8. You're driving around and you see an Asian dude on a Kawasaki Ninja motorcycle with a sword strapped to his back. The first thought that comes to your mind is:
Michael Douglas is in trouble!

9. The Battle: A Pit Bull vs. A Pit Bull's body weight in ill-tempered weasels:
How ill-tempered are we talking about? Cause a pit bull really doesn't weigh all that much. Maybe five weasels, tops. They better be in a REALLY fucking bad mood.

10. A serious Dance-Dance Revolution accident leaves you with special powers. Unfortunately the powers aren't all that super. It seems that all you can do is:
Be really good at DDR. I mean, the game's fun, but christ, if you're gonna spend all your time getting good at something, maybe try like, finding cures for diseases or becoming a professional at something that'll earn you a shitload of money. Impressive to watch; totally useless in reality.

11. What alcohol do you drink when you absolutely want the whole world to know how much you hate everyone?
Shit, drinking alcohol makes me overly friendly. If I want everyone to know how much I hate them, I'll have some decaf coffee or something. They'll find out REAL fast.

12. You have sinned grossly against God and your country. Your punishment is to be eaten alive by one of God's creatures. Luckily, you get to pick what creature that is:
A blue whale, because there's a slim chance for survival. At least according to The Bible and Pinocchio.

13. In your most humble opinion, what do you feel is the most vile and savage swearword you can spew forth unto another person:
Bea Arthur.

14. You get to change the name of the state you are living in. You choose:
Maine II. We've already got a couple of "New" states, why not a sequel one? (oh, for Erin, "Californicate," to match her answer)

15. Which animal would totally eat you if it could?
Um... how the hell should I know? The ones that would eat me already have the ability, the ones that wouldn't, can't. Maybe there's some caterpillar out there that'd like a shot, I don't know. Dumb fucking question.

16. Sexiest number between 1 and 10:
Six, because of its translation in German. Of course, the Germans' ideas of sexy are kind of fucked up... hmm. Maybe not six.

17. You are carrying your drink back from the bar when you accidentally run into this girl, spilling your drink on her. She's being a total bitch about it but, c'mon, it was totally just an accident. Her boyfriend subsequently challenges you to fisticuffs. Name two friends you'd want on your side in a fight:
Chuck Norris and Jean Claude Van-Damme. I mean, they're not my real friends, but I'd sure want them to be in this case, just for the sheer awesome flurry of splits and high kicks that would occur. And waiting at the door when the boyfriend runs... Gil Gerard.

18. If you could, what historical figure would you totally like to peg in the junk with a brick? Don't say Hitler, you uncreative POS:
Fine, how about Jesus? Just when he was on the cross though. And right as he was lifting his head to say that "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me" line. Just to add insult to injury. Hell, we could make a game, a brick in the nuts each time he lifted his head to say that line. Cause you know he's gotta get it out. That creative enough for you?

19. What would it cost to make you willingly and knowingly contract pubic lice?
Depends on the girl. I mean, lice are one of those things that can easily be gotten rid of, right? It's not like you're saying "contract AIDS" or something. So like, if Angelina Jolie came up to me one day, and said "I want to fuck your brains out, but I have lice," I think I could give her a freebie. Hell, I'd even spring for the cost of whatever topical cream I needed after to kill the fuckers.

20. Think of the grossest name a strip club could possibly have:
It's a tie between the Spearmint Gyno and Bob's Classy Leper.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

This Week's Music Biz-tch: "Take My Breath Away"

Berlin used to be one of the top new wave band of the 80’s. Everybody knew their songs, everybody still knows their songs. People sing along to them on the radio, they dance to them in the clubs.

"Sex (I’m A...)."

"The Metro."

"No More Words."

Okay, maybe most people don't know much beyond that, but there is one more they know.

In 1986, at the height of their popularity, Berlin were approached to perform a song for a new action movie coming to theaters that summer, starring a bunch of little known actors, with an outlandish plot about a flight school student and his Mrs. Robinson complex. The song, featured during a love scene which did little to tantalize the audience (unless they had a severe tongue fetish), was "Take My Breath Away."

The movie ended up being a surprise hit, but even more astoundingly, so did the soundtrack. Sure, people had gotten over the cheese of Loggins & Messina, and were willing to accept Kenny Loggins as a rock star singing "Danger Zone," but that song wasn't why they bought the album. They bought it for Berlin, and "Take My Breath Away" propelled them to superstardom. But there was a massive cross to bear.

Suddenly, Berlin were beyond new wave, they were even beyond the top 40; they had become easy listening. By performing a cheesy ballad that wasn’t even written by them, Berlin became synonymous on the radio with bands such as Air Supply, and singers like Christopher Cross. They alienated their original fanbase, and the band finally disintegrated, as they were so disgusted by their own selling out that they couldn’t possibly continue.

To add insult to injury, 13 years later Jessica Simpson decided to cover the song, and somehow made it even worse than it originally was. Unfortunately this time, the song was not a career killer, and ended up once again being a hit (this turn of events has been seen by many people the world over as proof that there is no God).

So now, Jessica Simpson continues to make top-selling crappy music, and Berlin’s latest achievement was an episode of VH1’s Bands Reunited. All because of one stupid ballad. And really awful tongue-kissing.

For Those Who Had A Bad Christmas...

...just be happy you didn't have to spend it listening to this guy sing.

Make sure to listen to the clip all the way through... just when you think it can't get any worse... yeah.

(Thanks to Steve at The Sneeze for this one.)